Tag Archives: florida

Rubio: “Everything is going exactly according to plan”

9 Mar

MIAMI–Marco Rubio, fresh off two last-place finishes and two third-place finishes in Tuesday’s voting, announced to an excited crowd here today that “Everything is going exactly according to our plan,” and predicted a strong surge in performance in the coming weeks.

“Last night, America took another big step towards saying yes to President Rubio,” the candidate said, as the Hilton housekeeping staff vacuumed around him. “What are the two elections that everyone says really matter in the first half of the primary? Minnesota and Puerto Rico. Did we win Minnesota and Puerto Rico? Yes, we did.”

Rubio later assured major donors that his surprising collapse in support over the past two weeks, as he has fallen from a strong second-place finisher in most elections to a distant third or fourth, “is all part of the plan.”

“It’s hard to explain exactly what the plan is,” he explained on a conference call. “But we’ve got ’em exactly where we want ’em.”

“We got two third-place finishes last night,” added Rubio later in the call. “You know what they call someone who gets third place in the Olympics? A medallist, that’s what.”

Later in the day, the Rubio campaign unveiled a powerful new slogan, “The best alternative to Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, except for maybe John Kasich.”

“What a lot of people don’t yet understand is that I really, really want to be president,” said Rubio.

Marco Rubio under sedation after repeating Obama sound bite two hundred times in a row

7 Feb

DOVER, New Hampshire–in a stunning turn of events, Sen. Marco Rubio (R–FL) was admitted today to Dover Medical Center, reportedly suffering from a fugue state in which he was only able to repeat the same thirty-second sound bite about President Obama in response to all questions.
After last night’s presidential debate, the candidate’s wife, Jeanette Rubio, became concerned after they met in the hotel room and she asked if he had accidentally picked up her toothbrush instead of his own.
“That’s the problem with Barack Obama. It isn’t inexperience; it’s ideology,” said her husband.
A concerned Jeanette Rubio summoned aides, who attempted to get Rubio to snap out of his trance-like state by asking basic questions about the Miami Dolphins and the University of Florida, only to be told that Barack Obama has deliberately led the United States to this point.
After Rubio repeated the comment an additional hundred times, he was taken by ambulance to the hospital, where he was being kept in an induced coma, in which the only signs of consciousness are fluttering eyelids and a well-articulated three-point plan.

Jeb Bush keeps promise to lose the primary in order to win the general election

3 Nov

TALLAHASSEE, Florida—appearing under a banner reading “Promises Made, Promises Kept,” Jeb Bush today announced proudly that he was on track to fulfil his campaign pledge of losing the primary in order to win the general election.

“I’ve been rock-steady on this since day one,” said Bush. “We need to be willing to stay in the political center and lose the primary in order to win swing voters during the general election. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

Bush went on to hold up a large chart showing his to-do list during the primary. “Lose the debates–check. Fall behind in the polls–check. Lose donors and endorsements–underway,” he said. “Now we’re working on these right here,” he added, pointing to two bullet points labelled “Lose in Iowa and New Hampshire” and “Drop out of race.”

Although he was careful not to appear smug, it was obvious to the crowd that Bush was feeling pretty pleased with progress to date. “We just need to get to the convention without enough delegates for the nomination, and then we’re all set for victory in the general election,” he explained.

A promise not to make the same mistake as John McCain and Mitt Romney

Jeb Bush enters presidential race; withdraws 45 minutes later, citing weak support

15 Jun

TALLAHASSEE–promising to “lead America to a brighter future,” former Gov. Jeb Bush (R–FL) today entered the race for the 2016 Republican nomination. After a tumultuous afternoon that saw difficulties raising funds, bad press, and several difficult interviews, he then announced his withdrawal from the race, saying that “while the road has been hard, we have gotten our message across,” and pledging to support the party in November.

Bush’s exit came as no surprise to pundits, many of whom had noted that the campaign had struggled to gain traction in recent weeks. “He wasn’t getting the support he needed,” said former Speaker Newt Gingrinch, “and we all knew it was just a matter of time until he pulled out. I was pleased to be able to watch almost an entire episode of True Detective before I had to switch back to his concession speech.”

Bush blamed his campaign’s failure on a number of factors, but cited one issue in particular that he had been unable to surmount. “At the end of the day, it turned out that no one really wanted me to be president,” he said, in a judgment that will be hard to dispute.

Bush’s exit may clear the way for other candidates to gain more attention, such as former Gov. Rick Perry (R–TX), who sources say will roll out a new slogan tomorrow, “Still not convicted of any felonies.”

 Jeb Bush looking reflective after conceding defeat in his bid for the Republican nomination. 

Jeb Bush shakes up campaign team after polls show him trailing behind eating bugs, Stalin

12 Jun


TALLAHASSEE—Jeb Bush shook up his campaign team earlier this week after a new series of polls showed that while he was comfortably ahead of Rick Santorum and Benito Mussolini, he continued to trail Scott Walker, Josef Stalin, eating bugs, and smoking.

While Bush also trails tooth decay, his team expressed optimism, noting that “we think we’ve got an angle on that fifth dentist.”

Sources: ABC/Washington Post poll (Republican nomination), Levada Center poll, 2012 (Stalin), CDC estimate, January 2015 (smokers), Trident gum commercial, 1956 (sugared gum), 2011 youth election (Mussolini), FAO report 2014 (eating bugs)

Jeb Bush explains that he was for the Iraq War before he was against it

14 May

TALLAHASSEE—seeking to nip controversy in the bud, Jeb Bush today laid out a clear statement of his views towards the second Gulf war, explaining that he was for the war before he was against it.

“Had I known now what I thought I knew about what we would have known then if we had known what I thought we knew now, I can definitively say that I would have had an opinion on the war,” said Bush, speaking before a gathering of veterans here today.

“You want to know what I really think about Iraq? Read my lips,” he went on to say, before mouthing something inaudible. Unfortunately, no lip-readers were in the audience at the time.

According to Bush, he has “always” thought that the war “made sense insofar as we didn’t know what we thought we knew what we knew,” but if “we hadn’t known what we thought we knew, then we would have known better.”

Reacting angrily to charges of flip-flopping, Bush said that “I don’t like ‘gotcha’ questions, especially ones that there was no way to see coming.”

“On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say the Iraq War was about…up here.”

Jeb Bush identifies as Hispanic on voter registration form; immediately deports self

7 Apr

TALLAHASSEE—Jeb Bush, who admitted yesterday that he had mistakenly identified himself as Hispanic on a 2009 voter-registration form, today announced that he was making good on his campaign platform and immediately deporting himself.

“Me refiero a lo que digo, y digo lo que quiero decir,” said Bush at a hastily called press conference in Matamoros, Mexico, where he unceremoniously dumped himself shortly after 6am this morning. “Tenemos demasiados los hispanos en los Estados Unidos ya , y yo vamos a hacer nada en mi poder para reducir su número.”

“Aunque me reservo el derecho de modificar mi posición después de la elección primaria,” he added.

Bush immediately gained six points in a Fox News/Tinfoil Hat poll of likely Republican primary voters.

“This is the kind of gutsy leadership we need,” said Bill O’Reilly later in the morning. “Here you have a guy who hasn’t had a job in eight years and who wants the federal government to fund his lifestyle going forward—deportation doesn’t get clearer than that. And extra points for having the guts to kick out a US citizen who has every legal right to be here.”

The scandal has also swept up fellow Republican Rand Paul, who apparently affirmed in a 2011 voter-registration form that he was of “sound mind” and able to exercise the vote responsibly.

Jeb Bush
“Por lo menos me acordé de votar ese año , a diferencia de 2008”

Huckabee campaign fires aide for insufficiently racist remarks

12 Feb

LITTLE ROCK–citing “a disappointing pattern of poor judgment,” former Gov. Mike Huckabee (R–AR)’s presidential campaign today fired chief technology officer Clark Willson for making insufficiently racist and misogynistic comments on social media.

“Governor Huckabee expects all of his staff to stay on message with coded racist comments and disparaging remarks about women,” said a spokesman. “It’s disappointing that one employee failed to follow our precepts and use phrases like ‘those people’ and ‘our kind,’ or to praise ‘traditional women’ in speeches.”

After party activists discovered the inclusive, non-judgmental language on Willson’s blog, he attempted to go back and add derogatory statements about African-Americans, gays, and professional women, but it was not enough to save his job.

President Obama normalizes relations with Cuba Gooding, Jr.

17 Dec

WASHINGTON—ending a feud that has dragged on for years between the two men, President Obama today announced that he was re-establishing relations with the actor Cuba Gooding, Jr., effective immediately.

“The policy of isolation has failed,” said Obama in a speech here today. “We can do more by engaging with Cuba than by attempting to undermine him.”

Effective immediately, Americans will be able to visit Cuba without a visa, including “all areas of his house—the back yard, the pool—everything,” said a State Department spokesman. Also, he may engage in “normal commercial interactions,” such as buying Girl Scout cookies or renting a movie on iTunes.

The president’s action immediately drew both strong support and stinging criticism from politicians on both sides of the aisle. “This is nothing but a craven surrender,” said Sen. Marco Rubio (R—FL), a staunch opponent of the regime. “Cuba is responsible for some of the greatest atrocities of the last hundred years, including ‘Snow Dogs’ and ‘Daddy Day Care,’ and we should reject appeasement in all its forms.”

The president changed his mind, according to aides, over the weekend, when he watched the iconic clip of Gooding, Jr., yelling “Show me the money” in the film ‘Jerry Maguire.’ “That guy is hilarious, and we need to patch this up,” Obama is reported to have said.

No longer a grave threat to the United States, as long as you don’t try to watch ‘Lightning Jack’

Florida sends “crack team” of experts to assist in Afghan election recount

7 Jul

KABUL–with tensions rising here because of a disputed vote count in the Afghan presidential election, both candidates today welcomed the arrival of a “crack team of experts” from the Florida Secretary of State’s office.

The team of twelve experts arrived in Kabul four days late, having accidentally booked tickets to Azerbaijan instead of Afghanistan. They then lost their traveller’s checks, locked themselves in their hotel room, and flushed their credentials down the toilet, before finally arriving here today in a very little car.

“We’re delighted to be here today to assist in the Armenian election,” said delegation head Katherine Harris, who was taking a leave of absence from her job as head of quality assurance at General Motors. When an aide clarified that Harris had meant “Afghan,” she politely declined, noting that it was warm enough in the room.

The two candidates in the election, Ashraf Ghani and Abdullah Abdullah, welcomed the support. “If anyone knows how to conduct a smooth election, it’s Florida,” said Ghani at a rare joint press conference. “We look forward to having the team of experts get started, as soon as we can figure out where they are.”

20140707-164241.jpgA Florida election official preparing for his daily briefing.

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