Tag Archives: football

University of Alabama: “National championship is nice, but of course academics come first”

13 Jan

TUSCALOOSA, Alabama–students, staff, and local residents today celebrated the Crimson Tide’s latest national college football championship, displaying what one senior called “appropriate pride” in their victory over Clemson on Monday night, while never losing sight of the university’s primary mission, pushing back the frontiers of human knowledge and delivering a top-flight education to thousands of students.

“Sure, winning at football is nice,” said President Stuart Bell. “But obviously that’s just for fun. We all know why we’re here, which is to teach and conduct research.”

A.J. McCarron, a recent graduate of Alabama who played on the football team, seemed happy to hear the news that his former team had won the championship. “Wow, good for them,” said McCarron. “I hope it didn’t take too much time away from their studies.”

Students interviewed on campus shared this assessment. “I mean, good for them,” said Kristin Liebling, a biology major who had watched part of the game on Saturday. “It’s nice that students have a hobby to get them outside and get some exercise.”

Alabama Coach Nick Saban, who does not teach any other classes, but is dedicated full-time to football, congratulated his players yesterday, telling them that he hoped “they’d had fun this season, and that if any of them want to play again next fall, he’d be happy to work with them again.”
  
“Hopefully you guys brought your homework for when you’re not on the field.”

Soccer world stunned as some FIFA employees not arrested in raid

27 May

ZURICH—a raid on a FIFA conference here today shocked the soccer world when word leaked out that many senior FIFA managers were not arrested on charges of bribery.

“Of course they took 14 people into custody,” said Geoff Blaine, a diehard soccer fan who was outside the hotel protesting. “But they’ve left dozens of them at large, free to strike again. What could the cops be thinking?”

Several FIFA executives assumed the inexplicable failure of the authorities to arrest them were clerical errors, and quickly went off the grid, scavenging food and electricity. Sepp Blatter was later spotted on a sidewalk in Dusseldorf, sleeping inside a shelter made of cardboard and money.

The arrests were made by the Swiss police at the behest of American authorities, who today unsealed indictments against the 14 detainees in a Brooklyn district court. The charges include taking bribes, giving bribes, wrapping bribes in festive holiday paper, carefully washing bribes on a gentle cycle, and showing bribes a night on the town to celebrate Annual Bribe Night at FIFA headquarters.

According to American authorities, they first became suspicious that the selection process for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups had been corrupted when they found members of the FIFA executive committee selling their votes on eBay.

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Blatter later proposed that the 2018 World Cup be replaced with a shadow-puppet competition

Tom Brady stripped of seven Tour de France titles

8 May

NEW YORK—as the scandal surrounding Tom Brady and the New England Patriots continued to grow, Americans were shocked to learn this morning that Brady had been stripped of his seven Tour de France titles.

The International Cycling Union announced today that in light of the NFL’s report implicating Brady in the deflation of several footballs, “We no longer consider Tom Brady to hold any cycling titles from any races, including the Tour de France.”

While Brady has not been punished by other sporting bodies at this point, many believe that his pursuit of the single-season home-run record, among other achievements, is now irrevocably tainted.

“It’s all up for grabs now,” said David Landry, Professor of Vacated Sports Titles at the University of North Dakota. “His Heisman Trophy? His 9.79-second hundred-meter dash? Even if the records stand, they’ll always have an asterix.”

Brady put out a press release stating that “I am innocent until proven guilty, which is why I sure wish I hadn’t just been proven guilty.”

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At the height of his career, Brady was so confident of victory that he would drink while cycling

Obama confident of Democrats’ chances in midterms tomorrow; also picks Oakland Raiders to win the Super Bowl

3 Nov

WASHINGTON–showing his trademark irrepressible energy and enthusiasm, President Obama today announced that he was “feeling good” about the Democratic Party’s chances in tomorrow’s midterm elections. He predicted that the party would retain control of the Senate and “perhaps pick up a few seats” in the House. He then revealed that he was picking the Oakland Raiders (0-8) to win this year’s Super Bowl.

“Look, I’ve got a good feeling about those Raiders, is all,” said Obama. “And if there’s one thing I’m good at doing, it’s anticipating events and responding fluidly to change.”

Obama outlined the Raiders’ “all but certain” path to the Super Bowl, explaining that first the team would need to win out (“which looks pretty good from here”) before knocking off his other AFC playoff picks, the New York Jets and the Jacksonville Jaguars, en route to the big game.

He did not bring the same level of detail to his prediction of midterm success, and would not be drawn into which Senate seats he expected to retain. “That situation’s a little less certain than the Raiders,” he explained.

NFL can’t remember whether it has kicked off the season or not

8 Sep

NEW YORK—citing short-term memory loss, the NFL today admitted that it couldn’t remember whether the 2014 football season had started last weekend or not.

“I’m embarrassed to admit this, because we like to think of ourselves as tough guys, but no one here in the building can remember whether we played games over the weekend,” said Roger Goodell, speaking to reporters. “Also, if anyone knows where I parked my car, can you please let me know?”

Goodell denied that NFL management’s memory issues and headaches could have stemmed from repeated blows to the head. “Who said anything about concussions?” asked Goodell, when no one had said anything about concussions. “I don’t even know what that means.”

An NFL staffer later clarified that Goodell genuinely was not sure what the word meant. “He’s all headache-y today, and he’s not remembering well,” said the aide. “At least, that’s what I wrote down here on my arm with a Sharpie.”

Goodell also noted that he couldn’t remember what stiff punishment he had given Ray Rice on his domestic violence charge. “I’m sure it was really harsh, though,” said Goodell.

World Cup starts smoothly, with all bribes being delivered on time

14 Jun

RIO DE JANIERO–Fears of logistics problems at the World Cup proved unfounded today, as a network of runners successfully delivered 100% of first-day bribes “well ahead of schedule.”

“I’m pleased to announce that the naysayers have been proved wrong,” said FIFA President Sepp Blatter. “All referees scheduled to receive payoffs report successful delivery, and the three teams bribed to throw their opening-round matches have received cash in the correct denominations, packaged appropriately.”

While reports of construction delays and gridlock had many concerned, even the skeptics admitted the day had gone well. “By the time I got to my room, there was a printout of who was going to fake an injury, and who was going to be awarded a phony penalty kick,” said Dave Poras, an international match-fixer who had been worried that his envelopes of cash would be delayed. “Running like clockwork.”

Non-bribe logistics remained somewhat difficult. The Dutch team was caught in traffic for five hours and missed their match against defending champions Spain, but still managed to win 5-1, after a referee awarded them several goals for “good mental energy.”

20140614-174120-63680366.jpgSepp Blatter, fulfilling his pledge to personally inspect every bribe going to every referee

NFL commissioner paid $44 million, “because it’s just so darn hard to get people to watch football”

15 Feb

NEW YORK–the National Football League yesterday filed paperwork showing that Commissioner Roger Goodell earned 44.2 million dollars, making him among the highest-paid executives of any organization in America, and by far the highest-paid leader of a not-for-profit organization.

“Roger deserves every penny,” said Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots and member of the committee that sets Goodell’s compensation. “We all know that football has struggled for years to get any cultural traction in the United States, and without him, I doubt anyone would be watching the game at all.”

Kraft went on to list some of Goodell’s more impressive accomplishments as commissioner, which include “Margarita Mondays” at league headquarters and the decision not really to do anything about the concussion crisis, the Miami Dolphins bullying case, or indeed, anything else.

“History shows us that when an organization has been extremely successful for many years, the best thing to do is take your eye off the ball and let things drift for a while,” said Goodell in a statement, wearing a suit sewn out of money. “I have no intention of changing anything now.”

A Seahawks fan prayer

2 Feb

Editor’s note: most of our loyal readership will be that we here at twissblog are Seattle Seahawks fans. This is due, first, to the obsessive focus on obscure political in-jokes, and, second, generally anonymous authorship, compromised only when we are recognized by our distinctive shoes when we slip out of an apartment wearing a motorcycle helmet.* Having said that, today is an appropriate day to let a bit of sports partisanship supplement our notional political nonpartisanship. Back to making fun of John Boehner tomorrow, I promise.

All the best,

twissblog

* See what I did there?

 

Dear Lord,

In this, the upcoming Super Bowl, where Thy faithful servants the Seattle Seahawks will play against the Denver Broncos, please, keep the Seahawks’ defensive line steady, and the secondary swift and high-leaping. Strengthen the arm of Russell Wilson and endow his receivers with fleetness of foot and sure hands. Gird the loins of Marshawn Lynch, so that he may break through the line and pile up much yardage, for Thy greater glory.

And above all, ensure that points rain down on the Seahawks, and that they do not turn the ball over to the Broncos, who after all have already won the Super Bowl twice, in 1997, and because apparently You decided that wasn’t quite enough, also in 1998, apparently because You felt bad for John Elway, which I guess I sort of understand, because he does look kind of like a horse. But if You give them the Vince Lombardi trophy again, dear Lord, then I will have to start wondering a little, You know, because I looked it up, and do You know when the Seahawks last won the Super Bowl? I mean, of course You do, but just as a reminder, it was NEVER. We have been watching this team for thirty-eight years, and over that time, with no disrespect, God, You have sometimes been kind of a dick about it, with Super Bowl XL, and telling Your servant Pete Carroll to ice the kicker against Atlanta last year, which because You are all-knowing and all-seeing, I can only presume You did because You had some money on the Falcons or something.

And please, Lord, You have done enough for Peyton Manning over the years, what with already having won the Super Bowl, and all those records, and everything, so maybe just lay off for this one game, and let him throw a few picks? You know? And to be perfectly honest, I’m not totally sure why You chose Peyton in the first place, because it wasn’t really that creative a decision, You know, when You were deciding where to hand out the football talent, to stick more in the Manning family. I mean, mighty Lord, I guess You were kind of busy back then, because I looked it up, and there was a general strike in the Congo the day he was born, so maybe You were busy with that and You just had this big pile of overdue quarterbacking to give someone, and You didn’t really have time to find some deserving baby born to steelworkers in Ohio, or something, and You just went to Your old standby, so I guess that’s okay. But really, God, I think You’ve done enough for Peyton at this point, okay?

Oh, and another thing, Lord, what was up with that cheap hit on Percy Harvin? I get that it is a rough game, but, really, when he was just coming back, Your will being that he get his bell rung by Rafael Bush, and then when apparently that didn’t get the job done, sending Malcom Jenkins after him, I mean, I’m not complaining, but it does sort of look suspicious, You know? Like You wanted him out of the game and kept sending Your thugs to make sure the job got done? And I can’t help but wonder if maybe You actually have something going here, like You are still mad for something Chuck Knox did back in the eighties, and there is some kind of curse? Because otherwise it kind of smells fishy, You know, God?

So anyway, I don’t mean to complain, or anything. In Your infinite wisdom, You will ensure that the right outcome will prevail, et cetera, on February 2, and, okay, I get it. But I’m just saying, You know? I mean, the folks in Denver, they already seem like godly people, so I think You’re safe there. But, You know, Seattle is right on the edge, God-wise. I mean, the Super Bowl could tip it either way, do You know what I’m saying, Lord? I really don’t want this to sound like a threat or anything, but if You are looking to shore up Your position in the Pacific Northwest, church-wise, I’m just saying it would be a pretty smart move to let the Seahawks win.

Amen.

O.J. Simpson acquitted of giving thousands of secret documents to Julian Assange; vows to find “the real leakers”

31 Jul

CARSON CITY, Nevada—O. J. Simpson today celebrated a legal victory here when a Nevada state judge ruled that he was not guilty of aiding and abetting the enemy when he shared hundreds of thousands of confidential documents with WikiLeaks in 2010.

“This is terrific news,” said Simpson in a brief statement immediately after his acquittal. “With this legal battle behind me, I can now get on with my life’s mission: finding the real leakers.”

At the trial, Simpson’s lawyers described him as a “naïve idealist” who had joined the Army in the hopes of getting a better education, only to be disillusioned in his time there. While serving as an intelligence analyst in the Army, he rushed for a record-setting 2,003 yards in one season, including a then-record 273 yards in one battle against the Ramadi All-Stars.

Despite his recent acquittal, Simpson remains in prison for another crime, a 2007 robbery in which he attempted to steal sports memorabilia in order to give it to al-Qaeda.

In bid to rehabilitate image, Lance Armstrong admits doping, war crimes

19 Jan

AUSTIN, Tx–hoping to conclude a scandal that has badly tarnished his name, Lance Armstrong made the long-expected admission that he had used performance-enhancing drugs while winning an unprecedented seven Tour de France titles. Hoping to clear the air once and for all, and thus rebuild his reputation, Armstrong also made the surprising confession that he had masterminded the Srebrenica massacre in July 1995.

“I admit that I broke the rules of cycling,” said Armstrong in his televised interview with Oprah Winfrey. “I also led paramilitary forces during the Balkan wars. And I might have accidentally and not on purpose helped Iran obtain some weapons-grade uranium.” After a pause to wipe away tears, Armstrong continued, “I hope this is the beginning of a healing process for all of us.”

The breadth of Armstrong’s confession surprised critics. “We all knew about the doping, and I had my suspicions about his involvement in genocide,” said longtime cycling journalist Edie Flanbuster, “but I was surprised to learn that he had masterminded Enron’s accounting, and I hadn’t suspected his key role in interning Japanese-Americans during World War II.”

Critics generally agreed that coming clean was the right move. “Sure, there’s more to be done, especially with the massacre,” said Flanbuster. “But, gosh, a real sincere ‘sorry’ is a pretty darn good start, you know?”

The confession comes as a relief to the international cycling community, which most people agree has closed the books on the drug-enhanced era. When asked about the Armstrong interview, 2012 points leader Joaquin Oliver of Spain angrily declined to comment. He then ripped his bicycle in half and then threw a car at a journalist.

Armstrong has mostly kept quiet since the broadcast of his interview on Thursday, breaking his silence only to announce that he was now dating Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’O.

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