Tag Archives: foreign policy

Vladimir Putin wins Triple Crown

8 Jun

LEXINGTON, Ky.—in an amazing finale to American Pharoah’s victory in the Belmont Stakes, the “mystery jockey” who rode the horse in all three Triple Crown victories revealed himself to be none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“Yes, it is me,” said Putin, jumping lightly to the ground and benchpressing American Pharoah a few times. “I race to prove that Americans lack fortitude to win. Triple Crown is all in mind.”

For weeks, the media had speculated on the identity of American Pharoah’s jockey, who raced with his face concealed entirely in racing silks. A few journalists had speculated that it could be Putin, particularly after the wind ripped off the jockey’s shirt immediately before the start of all three races, but more common guesses included Alex Rodriguez, the policeman from the Village People, or Donald Trump. “You know, horse-racing types,” said one longtime veteran of the track.

Putin was circumspect about his future plans. “First, I return to Russia. Then, I absolutely-no-kidding do not send more—I mean any—troops into Ukraine. Then because Russia is not in any way isolated at present, I receive visits from major international leaders like President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe and Prime Minister Thongsing Thammavong of Laos, to sign big treaties. Then we see about more horse-racing.”

vladimir-putin

In retrospect, the sunglasses should not have fooled us.

Netanyahu demands tougher Iran nuclear deal, also seeks weight loss without diet or exercise

6 Apr

JERUSALEM—denouncing the US-Iranian nuclear accord as just a “Band-Aid solution,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today demanded a series of changes in the deal to make it more acceptable.

“First,” said Netanyahu, “the Iranian government must cease all nuclear activity, and have all its nuclear equipment taken away.\

“Second, the Iranian government must resign in disgrace and go into exile, and the Iranian people must be able to choose their government freely in democratic elections, and they must choose a center-right government that strongly supports Israel.

“Third, we must be given a realistic plan to lose thirty pounds in thirty days, without changing our diet or exercising.

“Lastly, I want a pony.”

When reporters asked Netanyahu what the Iranian government would receive in exchange for these concessions, he grinned, and in a dramatic gesture held up a fistful of 2-for-1 drink coupons at the Tel Aviv Chili’s. “Any more questions?”

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The Israeli PM, moments after being told that snacks would not be served at the press conference

In bold new initiative, Obama will put out foreign-policy suggestion box

2 Sep

WASHINGTON–days after admitting that “we don’t have a strategy” for the Middle East, President Obama regained the initiative today, announcing that he would put out a suggestion box for “any ideas at all” on foreign policy.

“Look, it can’t be that hard, right?” said Obama at a press conference. “We just need to find some people who read the newspaper, or blogs, or something. They’ll have some great ideas.”

Anticipating a high volume of “really super-great ideas,” Obama said that a panel of celebrity judges would narrow down the ideas to three, and then the public could vote.

Experts agreed that the American public would almost certainly find a thoughtful solution to the current set of overlapping foreign-policy crises. “These are the same people who found Caleb Johnson,” said one anonymous pundit. “I’m sure they can sort out Syria.”

Florida sends “crack team” of experts to assist in Afghan election recount

7 Jul

KABUL–with tensions rising here because of a disputed vote count in the Afghan presidential election, both candidates today welcomed the arrival of a “crack team of experts” from the Florida Secretary of State’s office.

The team of twelve experts arrived in Kabul four days late, having accidentally booked tickets to Azerbaijan instead of Afghanistan. They then lost their traveller’s checks, locked themselves in their hotel room, and flushed their credentials down the toilet, before finally arriving here today in a very little car.

“We’re delighted to be here today to assist in the Armenian election,” said delegation head Katherine Harris, who was taking a leave of absence from her job as head of quality assurance at General Motors. When an aide clarified that Harris had meant “Afghan,” she politely declined, noting that it was warm enough in the room.

The two candidates in the election, Ashraf Ghani and Abdullah Abdullah, welcomed the support. “If anyone knows how to conduct a smooth election, it’s Florida,” said Ghani at a rare joint press conference. “We look forward to having the team of experts get started, as soon as we can figure out where they are.”

20140707-164241.jpgA Florida election official preparing for his daily briefing.

Russia seeks warmer relations with Ukraine by invading it

2 Mar

MOSCOW—in an attempt to restore the historical close relationship between Russia and Ukraine, President Vladimir Putin today announced that he was invading the country.

“For too long, our respective governments have been mistrustful of one another,” said Putin in a rare televised press conference. “I hope that by overwhelming Ukraine with military force, they will come to understand the depths of our affection.”

The invasion, focused on the Crimean peninsula in the south of Ukraine, is similar in many ways to Russia’s attack on Georgia in 2008. “If history teaches us anything, it’s that the best way to ensure national security is by having messy enclaves with no clear governing authority on your borders,” explained Putin.

“The Russians and Ukrainians are family,” he said. “And like all families, we sometimes have disagreements which we resolve through the deployment of thousands of heavily-armed soldiers in armored vehicles.”

In a bold move, President Obama warned that he was downgrading his mood from “irritated” to “pissy,” the strongest reaction in the US diplomatic arsenal.

US seeks to pacify Iraq by flooding it with weapons

26 Dec

BAGHDAD—seeking to reverse the recent increase in sectarian violence, the United States has recently launched a plan to pacify Iraq by making sophisticated and deadly weapons available to all sides.

“The peace in Iraq is fragile, and could be broken at any moment,” said Secretary of State John Kerry when asked about the program. “Obviously, the safest path forward is to ship a massive quantity of small arms, missiles, and drones to the Iraqi Army, which will then be in a position to distribute them to armed groups of all persuasions.”

Sources close to the White House confirm that the program was inspired by the “tremendous success” of America’s domestic gun-control policy, which has “conclusively proved” that most violence is caused by insufficient access to weapons.

“Right now, only the bad guys are armed, and also most males aged fourteen and above,” explained Kerry. “We figure that if everyone has a Hellfire missile or two up their sleeves, the terrorists will think twice before launching a suicide attack.”

The news was broken by the New York Times, which later reported a “critical breakdown in our irony-detection algorithms” when editing its story.

In calculated provocation, Obama spits in face of Chinese official

27 Nov

WASHINGTON—only hours after sending B-52s through China’s new air-defense zone, President Obama increased the pressure on China with a “carefully calibrated” gesture, spitting in the face of the deputy ambassador to the United States during a White House reception.

“It’s a measured response,” said Irwin Duncan, a well-regarded foreign-policy expert. “It sends the message to China that we won’t be pushed around, and also that the President likes mint-flavored gum.”

The incident was a direct challenge to China’s new “No Spitting on Our Officials” policy, promulgated over the weekend in what Duncan described as a rejection of United States hegemony over East Asia. “Along with the expanded air-defense zone and the Diayou islands controversy, this is China stretching its legs,” he explained.

Most observers agreed that tensions would get worse before they got better, especially in light of Vice-President Biden’s upcoming visit to China. “We’ll get a few corkers out of that one,” said Duncan

Taliban accused of links to JPMorgan

21 Oct

KABUL—a tentative peace deal with the Taliban has been scuttled by accusations that the extremist group has connections to JPMorgan Chase, the American bank facing a wide range of regulatory and legal challenges, sources close to the talks say. The news comes on the back of reports that JP Morgan is close to settling a range of investigations for roughly $11 billion.

A Taliban spokesman, while taking credit for two car bombs at an Afghan Army base, angrily denied the charges.

“We would never get involved in the sale of questionable mortgage-backed securities, said Ehsanullah Ehsan, speaking from an undisclosed location. “And we would never have supported the acquisitions of Countrywide or Washington Mutual,” two deals that have proven the source of extensive troubles for JP Morgan.

Ehsan, who has defended the public stoning of adulterers under Taliban rule, was harshly critical of JP Morgan’s handling of the “London Whale” case, in which the bank racked up almost $6 billion in losses. “Any fool could have told you that the CIO’s office had inadequate oversight of the UK trading desk,” said Ehsan. “What is this, amateur hour?”

A spokesman for the bank noted that the $11 billion fine was “well within our ability to pay” and that the bank had a plan to “pay the fine at no net cost to shareholders, if all goes well.”

Jamie Dimon, the CEO of JPMorgan, declined to comment further, explaining that he had an $11 billion bet on tonight’s Giants-Vikings game and didn’t want to be distracted.

At UN, Obama pledges “as much ineffectual diplomacy as it takes”

24 Sep

NEW YORK—in a masterful speech today at the opening of the United Nations General Assembly, President Obama promised that he would engage in “as much ineffectual diplomacy as it takes” to postpone “tough decisions” until after he leaves office.

“Let there be no confusion,” said Obama in stirring tones. “I will kick this can down the road for as long as there is road to kick down.”

For supporters, it was a return to the kind of bold oratory that marked his 2008 campaign, “brilliantly fused” with his timid approach to governing since.

“I’m just delighted that instead of half-hearted, empty words, we are back to Churchillian, inspiring, empty words,” gushed supporter Karen McAdams of Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Leaders from around the world were quick to support Obama’s proposals for “lengthy, futile talks” to resolve conflicts in Iran, Syria, and Israel/Palestine.

“The President has shown us a path that, hopefully, will let us all slink off the stage without any real accountability for sorting this mess out,” said re-elected Chancellor Angela Merkel. “This kind of leadership could really save our sausage,” she added, using one of the two hundred German words for sausage.

President Bashir Al-Assad of Syria was also pleased. “This is the kind of international cooperation I can live with,” he said, while discussing his plan to give up his chemical weapons by 2046.

Obama outsources Syria decision to panel of celebrity judges

12 Sep

WASHINGTON–in a surprising about-face, President Obama today announced that he would not be seeking Congressional approval for an attack on Syria after all, but instead would leave the decision to a panel of celebrity judges, who would sift through the evidence around the recent chemical attack and then choose an appropriate response.

“The choice to go to war is the weightiest decision a president can make,” said Obama in a Rose Garden appearance. “So you shouldn’t be surprised to hear that I’m going to punt on it.”

The panel will consist of Oprah, Derek Jeter, Lady Gaga, Ryan Seacrest, Jay-Z, Don Draper, and Secretariat. The president brushed aside criticism noting that Don Draper is a fictional character, and Secretariat is a horse, calling them both “stone-cold badasses” who could be trusted to make the right choice.

According to the rules laid out by the president, if Bashar Assad is unwilling to accept the panel’s recommendation, he will have the ability to perform a physical challenge, as popularized on the old Nickelodeon show “Double Dare.”

Said a spokesman for the Syrian regime, “President Assad has been practicing, and feels particularly confident that he will be asked to perform the ‘Pie in the Pants’ challenge,” which will require him to don oversized clown pants and catch three pies launched by catapult in under thirty seconds. “He also feels very good about the Slopstacle Course,” added the spokesman.

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