Tag Archives: france

Angela Merkel tells lifestyle program she is expanding her living room; European armies go on highest alert

11 May

BERLIN—tensions in Europe unexpectedly climbed several notches over the weekend when German Chancellor Angela Merkel, being interviewed on a popular lifestyle show here, revealed that she was planning a home renovation to significantly increase the size of her living room.

“Wir brauchen mehr Lebensraum,” Merkel said to Sarah Kuttner, host of the popular program Wochenenden zu Hause.

Immediately the armies of Poland, Russia, Ukraine, and France went on highest alert. Belgium attempted to put its army on highest alert, but he was at the dentist and could not immediately be contacted.

After the program, Merkel attempted to calm the waters by reassuring other countries that nothing was imminent. “We would not plan to launch this for another month or two,” she explained. “If we went now, our vehicles could get bogged down in the mud, while if we wait, we can still finish before winter.”

The situation only got worse when the Chancellor went on to talk about her vacation plans.

IKEA accused of spying on customers; allegedly learned that assembling its furniture is frustrating

17 Dec

PARIS–revelations that the French division of IKEA has been spying on its employees and customers for years caused an uproar here today. According to court documents, IKEA used wiretaps and private detectives to learn that assembling its furniture was “really annoying” and that “no one likes those hex keys.”

According to court documents, IKEA put customers under surveillance. In doing so, it discovered that “our furniture is really a big hassle,” but that “a lot of people have some weird attachment to it anyway.”

IKEA also spied on its own employees, according to the same court documents. Its key finding was apparently that “those meatballs contain some weird-looking meat” and also that “working at IKEA totally sucks.”

France’s proud tradition of public urination and drunk driving under threat as Gerard Depardieu emigrates

18 Dec

PARIS—anxiety mounted over France’s slipping competitiveness in bad behavior as leading international boor Gerard Depardieu announced his intention to move to Belgium.

“First Dominique Strauss-Kahn goes to ground, then they lose Depardieu—you have to wonder if France still cares about its tradition of obnoxious alcoholics,” said leading cultural historian Robert Darnton. “It’s hard to see where the next generation of sex scandals is going to come from.”

Culture Minister Aurelie Filipetti put a brave face on the news at a hastily assembled press conference. “Of course, France still has a number of boors whose names will be instantly familiar to an international audience,” said Filipetti. “I mean, there’s Jean Reno…although he’s kind of a nice guy…and that guy from Green Card—no, wait, I guess that’s Gerard—and…um…”

President Francois Hollande subsequently announced a crash program to “develop a new cohort of jackasses.” Key elements of the program will include exchange programs to UK soccer matches and, for the especially gifted, a Tea-Party-backed primary challenge to an incumbent Republican congressman.

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