Tag Archives: gay

Ireland approves same-sex marriage; Rick Santorum to “watch vigilantly” for signs of man-on-dog weddings

26 May

DUBLIN—after Ireland made history this weekend by approving same-sex marriage in a popular vote, former Sen. Rick Santorum (R—PA) said that he would “watch vigilantly” for signs that the change was leading to human-canine weddings.

Santorum, who won 11 states and 4 million votes in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries, has famously argued that same-sex marriage would lead to pedophilia and bestiality. “Ireland’s vote makes it imperative that God-fearing Americans monitor the country carefully to determine whether we are in fact seeing men marry children, dogs, horses, motorcycles, and so on,” said Santorum. “We all know this is just the beginning of a slippery slope.”

Santorum said that he had personal experience of the confusion that might result from Ireland’s decision. He explained that after a Pennsylvania court endorsed gay marriage in May 2014, he had almost married his Labrador retriever, Patches, due to “a significant error in paperwork.”

Santorum's advice to men: "If a dog tries to marry you, just pop it on the nose and run away."

Ted Cruz says he favors “complete equality” for wealthy gay campaign contributors; not sure about other gays

24 Apr

NEW YORK—speaking at a fundraiser at the home of a wealthy gay couple here, Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) said yesterday that he is “completely fine” with people being gay, if they are major contributors to his campaign. “If my daughter were gay, and she married a hedge-fund guy, and that guy was dropping major checks to Ted Cruz for President, then I would love her just as much as I do today, or perhaps up to 30% more,” he told attendees.

As Cruz has made opposition to gay marriage a plank of his presidential campaign, a spokesman later clarified that he had not changed his position. “Senator Cruz does not believe there is a right to gay marriage,” said the spokesman. “That’s why he’d like to see fifty grand, cash on the barrelhead, before he signs off on one.”

According to attendees, Cruz also blasted “typical big government overreach like the Federal Reserve, foreign aid, the Federal highway fund, and the so-called NASA moon landings.” Clarifying his position, he later handed out a price list for what he expected in each. “You want fluoride in your community, I better see ten bucks per household.”

I can’t be bought, but I’d really like it if you tried

Arkansas, tired of tourists, investment, and economic growth, passes religious-freedom law

2 Apr

LITTLE ROCK—the Arkansas legislature, worried that the state might climb out of its 49th-place ranking for child poverty, today passed a religious-freedom law designed to prevent out-of-town money from reaching the state.

“Being isolated and poor is what this great state is all about, and in recent years we’ve had too much interest from big coastal businesses in setting up shop here,” said Arkansas House Speaker Jeremy Gillam (R), who represents White [sic] County. “We figured this was the best way to keep those fancy East-Coast dollars from corrupting our way of life.”

As designed, a number of large businesses immediately condemned the bill, and in some cases announced plans to avoid Arkansas, just as some have threatened to reduce their investments in Indiana, which recently passed a similar bill. Some in-state criticism also came from Walmart, a well-known bastion of bleeding-heart liberals.

“Mission accomplished,” said Gillam. “Hopefully this bill will keep our proud traditions of pellagra and scurvy in our schools for years to come.”


“Just the right amount of bigotry,” announced Gillam after the bill’s passage

Indiana passes law allowing people to punch gays in the face for religious reasons

30 Mar

INDIANAPOLIS—in a bold move defending the rights of the traditionally oppressed Christian minority here, Gov. Mike Pence (R) today signed a law that allows residents of Indiana to punch gay people in the face, if they have a religious reason for doing so, or “they really just don’t like gay people.”

Said Pence, signing the law, “Today we take another step towards protecting people who might otherwise feel like they can’t fully express their bigotry without somehow being judged.”

While critics have attacked the law for its blatant pandering to prejudice, Pence dismissed the criticism as coming from “outsiders—people living in New York, black people, that sort of thing.”

Pence also rejected claims that the law would just entrench discrimination. “It’s not about discriminating against gays,” he explained. “It’s about treating them differently and worse, for no valid reason.”
Mike Pence asking a gay reporter to leave the press conference “for religious reasons”

In shift, Republicans will start to complain about breakdown in sanctity of gay marriage

31 Jul

WASHINGTON–cementing a trend towards greater open-mindedness, the Republican Party today altered its official platform to start bemoaning how no one respects gay marriage any more, and how things are much worse than they used to be.

“We need to be seen as the party of tolerance,” said Reince Priebus, RNC chairman. “That’s why, effective immediately, we will start making narrow-minded judgments about how all Americans, gay and straight, are letting this country go to the dogs.”

Like many people, Priebus attributed his change of heart to getting to know gay people in everyday life. “There used to be this unmarried gay couple that lived across the street, and I never thought anything of it,” he explained. “Then one day, I saw the two of them, and it just started to make me mad–living in sin like that just made me sick, and it was tearing at the fabric of our society. And that’s a change towards inclusion I hope all Republicans can make.”

Lisa Niedermayer, a divorced lesbian mother of two, was pleased to hear of the change in the GOP platform. “On behalf of divorced gay people everywhere, I’m really pleased that I’ve started to be a disappointment to the Republican Party,” she said.

Catholic hierarchy worried that Pope Francis will “endanger core values of bigotry”

20 Sep

ROME–shortly after Pope Francis’s interview in which he made clear his intention to de-emphasize homophobia and anti-abortion rhetoric in Church teachings, senior Catholic leaders around the world warned that “soon, our cherished traditions of bigotry may be no more than a footnote” in doctrine.

“First, we lost anti-Semitism. Then racism fell by the wayside. It looks like homophobia and misogyny may be next. Who will be left for us to fear and hate?” asked Archbishop Pietro Dellascagni of Milan.

American Catholics were particularly concerned. “If Jesus wanted us to have compassion and mercy for our fellow man, then why isn’t there any of that stuff in the Bible?” said Bishop Ted Flanagan of Madison, Wisconsin. “I think we ignore the Scriptural emphasis on school-board elections at our peril.”

Anti-abortion activists were particularly scathing. “The Catholic Church has always taught that each and every human life is sacred,” said Operation Rescue captain Danny Laskers, stepping over a comatose homeless man on the street in order to hurl abuse at a woman entering a Planned Parenthood in Baton Rouge. “All this blah-blah-blah about the sick, the poor, the hungry–where is he getting this garbage?”

Francis had no comment. Sources said that, in an effort to live even more like an everyday person, he was spending the day moving out of the spartan hostel where he currently lives into a Motel 6 just outside Nashville and getting a job as a greeter at the Walmart just outside town.

Conservatives warn of “rush to tolerance” as Pope Francis moves away from homophobia

29 Jul

WASHINGTON—leaders of the Republican Party and other social conservatives today expressed “grave disappointment” as Pope Francis made some reasonable comments about gay priests today, warning of a potential “rush to tolerance” if others followed his lead.

“If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” said Francis on a news conference as he returned from his first overseas trip.

“I can tell you who I am to judge—the head of the Heritage Foundation, that’s who,” said former Sen. Jim DeMint (R—South Carolina), who because of a recent misunderstanding now runs a “think” tank. “Once we start to abandon unthinking bigotry, what will be left?”

While gay and straight people alike were heartened by Francis’s words, social conservatives were gravely disappointed.

“First, they gave women the vote, back when I was in my mid-forties, and I said nothing,” said Senator James Inhofe (R—Oklahoma). “Then African-Americans received civil rights, and I stood idly by. But now, if we lose mindless hatred of gay people, what will our party stand for?”

An aide whispered in Sen. Inhofe’s ear, and he quickly corrected himself. “Besides preventing people from getting health care, of course,” he said.

Boehner “disappointed” in DOMA ruling; will look for alternate ways to combat gay marriage, interracial dating, witchcraft

26 Jun

WASHINGTON—minutes after the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act, clearing the way for an expansion of same-sex marriage, House Speaker John Boehner (R—Ohio) issued a statement declaring that he was “disappointed” in the ruling. He went on to say that the House Republicans would look at “all options” in their efforts to slow the spread of gay marriage. He also vowed renewed efforts to fight interracial dating, witchcraft, and Copernican astronomy.

“Just because something is popular doesn’t make it right,” said Boehner in a follow-up press conference. “Sure, same-sex marriage may have political momentum behind it, and a lot of people think that trial by drowning is outdated, but the House isn’t going to back down from our principles just because of a bunch of polls.” Boehner added that he was worried that the focus on marriage equality would undermine “the traditions that made us who we are today,” including racial segregation, skull trepanning, and smallpox.

Michele Bachmann made a similar but slightly stronger statement. “I’m disappointed in the ruling, and I urge all Americans to rise up in armed revolt against this tyrannical government and drown the streets of Washington in the blood of the unrighteous,” she said, in words more moderate than those she has used in the past. “Burn this modern-day Sodom to the ground,” she added.

President Obama, meanwhile, was ebullient. “I’m just so pleased with this ruling today,” he said in a written statement. “It’s great to see the nation get to a socially just outcome without requiring me to actually exercise any kind of political leadership.”

Responding to electorate’s demand for symbolic action on divisive social issues, House GOP takes up abortion

18 Jun

WASHINGTON–responding to the nationwide insistence that Congress spend its time voting on controversial culture-war bills that have no chance of becoming law, the Republican leadership in the House today started debate on a bill to restrict abortion rights.

“We’d like to get some work done on the economy,” said Majority Whip Eric Cantor (R–Virginia). “But I can’t tell you how many constituents I’ve had coming into my office, pleading with me to make some kind of empty gesture on abortion rights. That’s really got to be our top priority now, alongside our goal of holding a 38th vote to repeal Obamacare.”

According to Cantor, after the vote to restrict abortion rights goes nowhere, Republicans plan to take up a series of increasingly divisive proposals that also have no chance of passing. “Next up is our plan to roll back gay rights, followed by disempowerment of women, followed by the gutting of civil-rights enforcement,” said Cantor. “And after we’ve had all of those shot down, we might look into re-segregating the military.”

Once again, the Democrats were left flat-footed by the nimble GOP tactics. “If there’s one thing we were unprepared for,” said President Obama, “it was a Congress that seems to be more interested in its own re-election than actually passing laws.”

Basketball’s Jackie Robinson moment: NBA center comes out as black

30 Apr

WASHINGTON—in a moment long awaited by civil-rights supporters, Washington Wizards center Jason Collins today announced that he is indeed African-American.

In an essay published yesterday in Sports Illustrated, Collins wrote: “I’m a 34-year-old NBA center. I’m black. And I’m gay.”

The declaration was met with general support. “I’ve been saying for a while that it’s time we had an African-American in the league,” said NBA Commissioner David Stern. “We wish Jason all the best.”

Teammates were positive on Collins’s decision to step forward. “To be honest, I’ve suspected he was black for a while now,” said one teammate, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “It’s an open secret that a lot of guys in the NBA are as well.”

Most fans expected that Collins’s declaration would have little effect on the league. “To be honest, an announcement like this is long overdue,” said Wizards fan Dave McClellan of Arlington, VA. “I mean, who cares?”

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