Tag Archives: germany

Volkswagen apologizes again for emissions scandal, calling it “absolutely the most embarrassing thing in our history, definitely without any exceptions”

25 Sep

WOLFSBURG, Germany—Matthias Müller, the newly appointed CEO of Volkswagen, apologized again for the emissions-cheating scandal, calling it “absolutely the most dark and embarrassing era in our company history, absolutely.”

“We all feel just terrible about this,” said Müller. “Believe me when I say at no point whatsoever in our, whatever it is, 70-ish-year corporate history is there anything else like this that we should feel as ashamed about.”

A quick search on Google where twissblog investigative reporters decided to not scroll down past the first result confirmed Müller’s story.

“I can’t imagine what could be worse than this, and neither can you,” he added.

Ferdinand Porsche, one of the early leaders of Volkswagen, with some totally ordinary Germans, obviously none of whom are in any kind of uniform or anything, just regular people, probably.

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Volkswagen emissions-control software discovered when it used its real name on Ashley Madison

21 Sep

WOLFSBURG, Germany—in a crisis that threatens the entire company, Volkswagen’s emissions-control software was discovered to have been cheating. The cheating was discovered as a result of the hack of the website Ashley Madison, where the software apparently kept four separate profiles, all registered to its work address.

“I can’t tell you how ashamed I am to have let you all down,” the designer of the so-called “defeat device” said in a press conference yesterday. “There is no excuse for my actions, and I ask the press to respect our privacy as the EPA and I try to rebuild our relationship.”

On Ashley Madison, according to the information recently released as part of the hack of the infidelity website, the defeat device went primarily by the handle “2big4U” and listed its turn-ons as “roleplay, spanking, and selectively changing the fuel mix in diesel combustion.”

Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized for “poor judgment” and vowed to do “everything he could” to make things right, “short of going to jail, or paying a fine that would have a material impact on our company, or on me personally.”

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One of the many nude engine photos the defeat device apparently exchanged on Ashley Madison

Deal reached to keep Mexican cartel boss “El Chapo” Guzman in the Eurozone

13 Jul

BRUSSELS–after exhaustive, all-night negotiations, Europe’s political leaders reached a deal this morning that would keep notorious Mexican drug lord “El Chapo” in the Eurozone.

“We have a deal,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “While it’s not perfect, it’s much better than seeing El Chapo exit the euro.”

Under the terms of the deal, Guzman agreed to extensive labor-market and tax reforms in the cartel under his control, and as a result, the European Central Bank will start negotiations to restructure the cartel’s Euro-denominated debt, which consists of several unpaid VHS rental fines from El Chapo’s vacation to Rome in 2003. “We can extend the maturities of the fines as required, and we will overlook the fact that Guzman did not rewind Police Academy IV,” said Merkel.

After completing the negotiations at 7am local time, the European leaders also reached a sort-of-agreement with Greece to restructure its debts. Under the terms of the agreement, Greece will pass legislation handing control of the country to Germany, after which “we’ll see what we feel like doing,” said Merkel.

  
Guzman: “Of course I kept Jedi for an extra three days. It’s a great movie.”

Angela Merkel tells lifestyle program she is expanding her living room; European armies go on highest alert

11 May

BERLIN—tensions in Europe unexpectedly climbed several notches over the weekend when German Chancellor Angela Merkel, being interviewed on a popular lifestyle show here, revealed that she was planning a home renovation to significantly increase the size of her living room.

“Wir brauchen mehr Lebensraum,” Merkel said to Sarah Kuttner, host of the popular program Wochenenden zu Hause.

Immediately the armies of Poland, Russia, Ukraine, and France went on highest alert. Belgium attempted to put its army on highest alert, but he was at the dentist and could not immediately be contacted.

After the program, Merkel attempted to calm the waters by reassuring other countries that nothing was imminent. “We would not plan to launch this for another month or two,” she explained. “If we went now, our vehicles could get bogged down in the mud, while if we wait, we can still finish before winter.”

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The situation only got worse when the Chancellor went on to talk about her vacation plans.

Fulfilling pledge of “toughest retaliation” for Crimea, EU cancels “Russian Night” in staff cafeteria

18 Mar

BRUSSELS–in a bold move showing Vladimir Putin that “Europe means business,” the EU announced that it was responding to Russia’s annexation of Crimea with the “biggest weapon in our diplomatic arsenal,” canceling this Thursday’s long-awaited “Russian Night” in the staff canteen.

The announcement was made by an anonymous weedy little man named Jacques, or George, or something, who is currently serving as the Deputy Second Assistant Minister for Cafeteria Affairs. By longstanding tradition, the DSAMCA position is rotated among Norway, Belgium, and a nice little sushi place in Lisbon.

EU staffers were excited, although also a little nervous, at the move. “I think Russia only expected a symbolic slap on the wrist,” said a woman with rimless glasses who is “very senior” in the European legislation-shipping business. “They were surprised when we closed the special matrioshka-doll exhibit two weeks early, and then this has them completely flat-footed.”

Putin had no immediate response to the EU’s move. His staff said that he was busy shooting. His staff later issued a clarification that he was busy shooting animals.

Putin “totally surprised” as fiercely independent Russian judiciary frees Mikhail Khodorkovsky

24 Dec

MOSCOW–in yet another example of the successful division of powers that has made Russian democracy the envy of the world, President Vladimir Putin said today that he was “totally surprised” to find out that the courts had set jailed oligarch Mikhail Khodorkovsky free.

“I mean, I had no idea this was coming,” said Putin, speaking at one of the many no-holds-barred press conferences he conducts for domestic and foreign journalists. “I can never tell what the Russian courts are going to do. But of course, why would I?”

Putin added that he had never supported Khodorkovsky’s detention. “It always seemed to me that here was a viable opposition leader, someone with the resources, intelligence, and charisma to create a viable alternative center of power to the one I’ve built up,” he said. “That can only strengthen Russian democracy.”

In response to aggressive questions from Russia’s notoriously independent and open-minded media, Putin added that he hoped “Khodorkovsky would change his mind and re-enter Russian politics,” ideally in time for the upcoming presidential elections. “The more the merrier,” he said.

Germany suggests Kathleen Sebelius run eavesdropping program

31 Oct

BERLIN—in a conciliatory gesture after several angry exchanges about US spying on her personal cell phone, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany today suggested that Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, could run the NSA’s eavesdropping program as soon as she finishes building the HealthCare.gov website.

“I think Secretary Sebelius is exactly the person I want trying to listen in to my phone calls,” said Chancellor Merkel. “It would give me great confidence knowing that she was running all US spy technology.

“Whatever,” said Sebelius, taking a quick break from soldering together two wires. She explained that if she could just get a few more wires connected, then the HealthCare.gov website would probably be up and running again.

Further attempts to contact Sebelius’s office were unsuccessful. Initially, one of the tin cans could not be located, and shortly thereafter the string broke.

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