Tag Archives: GOP

Melania Trump tells GOP convention that “I have a dream”

19 Jul

CLEVELAND–Melania Trump, the wife of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, held the Republican convention spellbound here yesterday, telling the delegates that “I have a dream…that one day my children will live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

 

As the delegates rose to their feet, spellbound by her eloquence, she continued.

 

“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.”

 

While some criticized her speech for not having enough racism, or inciting violence, everyone was impressed by her conclusion.

 

“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow “and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations,” she said, to wild cheering throughout the hall.

“Ask not what your country can do for you,” said Ms. Trump, “but what you can do for your country.”

Republican leadership trying to remember why they thought voting was such a good idea

17 Mar

DALLAS–speaking at a closed-door session of Republican donors and activists today, RNC chairman Reince Priebus tried to lay out the case for why the party moved away from smoke-filled rooms towards primaries where people can vote.

“It had something to do with…it wasn’t justice, exactly, but it was something like–I think maybe there was a tax angle to it?” Priebus finally said, scratching his head in puzzlement.

As Donald Trump continued his run of successes in the Republican primaries, party leaders have been checking the fine print on what exactly winning primary elections means.

“Look, I’ve checked, and presidential primaries aren’t mentioned even once in the Bible,” said Sen. Mike Lee (R–UT). “To my mind, then, they are null and void.”

Lee’s sentiment was widely shared by party leaders. “Sure, we have these votes, but I always like to think of them as purely advisory,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan (R–WI). “The party can pick anyone it wants to run for president. If they want to ditch Trump and go with–for example–a young Midwestern congressman who seems reasonable and really would like to be President but doesn’t like the work involved to get there–that’s up to them.”

Priebus closed his speech by noting that “sometimes the votes go your way, and sometimes they don’t. And when the latter happens, we like to go to Plan B.”

  
Not that Plan B.

Donald Trump clarifies that he was talking about former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich

12 Mar

NEW YORK–seeking to clear up a misunderstanding, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump explained that his comments last week were an endorsement “of my good friend Robert Reich,” referring to the Secretary of Labor in the Clinton administration.

“I know it’s fanciful, but I think it would be great if Robert Reich lived for a thousand years,” explained Trump. “I don’t know what you guys thought I was talking about.”

Trump also explained that he liked the Secretary so much that instead of candles on his next birthday cake, “we should all parade around with torches–that’s how excited I’ll be to celebrate.”

Finally, Trump expressed surprise that “anyone cares about how big my living room is. So I want to expand it a little–what’s the big deal?”

  
“So they’re waving,” said Trump. “What’s the big deal?”

Rubio: “Everything is going exactly according to plan”

9 Mar

MIAMI–Marco Rubio, fresh off two last-place finishes and two third-place finishes in Tuesday’s voting, announced to an excited crowd here today that “Everything is going exactly according to our plan,” and predicted a strong surge in performance in the coming weeks.

“Last night, America took another big step towards saying yes to President Rubio,” the candidate said, as the Hilton housekeeping staff vacuumed around him. “What are the two elections that everyone says really matter in the first half of the primary? Minnesota and Puerto Rico. Did we win Minnesota and Puerto Rico? Yes, we did.”

Rubio later assured major donors that his surprising collapse in support over the past two weeks, as he has fallen from a strong second-place finisher in most elections to a distant third or fourth, “is all part of the plan.”

“It’s hard to explain exactly what the plan is,” he explained on a conference call. “But we’ve got ’em exactly where we want ’em.”

“We got two third-place finishes last night,” added Rubio later in the call. “You know what they call someone who gets third place in the Olympics? A medallist, that’s what.”

Later in the day, the Rubio campaign unveiled a powerful new slogan, “The best alternative to Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, except for maybe John Kasich.”

  
“What a lot of people don’t yet understand is that I really, really want to be president,” said Rubio.

Rubio’s Minnesota-only strategy pays off handsomely

2 Mar

ST. PAUL, Minnesota—putting all doubts about his candidacy to rest, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) swept to victory last night in the Minnesota caucuses, with more than 41,000 votes and a solid margin of victory over Ted Cruz and Donald Trump.

“They said we couldn’t do it,” Rubio announced to an ecstatic crowd at his victory party here. “They said our exclusive focus on Minnesota would backfire, that we didn’t have a viable path to the nomination. And you know what I say to those people?” he continued, looking around for dramatic effect. “I say…twelve delegates in the bag.”

Terry Sullivan, Rubio’s campaign manager, was in a similarly upbeat mood. “There’s still some mopping up to do,” said Sullivan this morning in an exclusive interview with twissblog. “We need to win, you know, all the other states. But with Minnesota firmly in our column, I don’t think anyone has any doubts.”

Republican party elders, worried about the rise of Donald Trump, seemed immensely relieved by the results. “When I saw the AP call Minnesota for Marco, it was like a whole weight was lifted off my chest,” said Mitch McConnell. “Either that, or my heart attack was going away.”

Rubio renewed his appeal to Ted Cruz to drop out of the race. “I salute Ted’s service to the American people,” said Rubio towards the end of his speech. “But at this point in the race, he’s only won four states, and has less than twice the number of delegates I do. It’s time for the party to come together behind me.”

Marco Rubio confident of “strong” second-place finish at GOP convention

25 Feb

WASHINGTON–coming off back-to-back strong showings in Nevada and South Carolina, an optimistic Marco Rubio today declared that he was “almost certainly” going to finish a strong second in the Republican primary process.

“A few months ago, people thought we were down and out,” said Rubio. “But we keep on racking up 15, 20 percent of the vote, and we’re going to ride that train all the way to Cleveland in July.”

As Donald Trump’s delegate count and lead in the polls continued to grow, Rubio boasted that “there’s no way we finish this thing with less than three hundred delegates at the convention,” out of the 1,237 required for the nomination.

Cruz’s campaign immediately fired back, noting that “if anyone is going to lose this thing to Trump, it’s us.” A Cruz spokesman also noted that “Marco is the wrong candidate for America, even if it turns out he isn’t actually a criminal atheist who has a big crush on Hillary, which–let me be clear–we don’t think is definitely the case at all.”

Republicans demand that Obama wait and let Hillary Clinton nominate the next Supreme Court justice

16 Feb

WASHINGTON–as the battle to replace Antonin Scalia got underway, more and more Senate Republicans have demanded that Hillary Clinton be allowed to nominate the next Supreme Court justice.

“Barack Obama’s policies have failed this nation, and any justice he nominates would certainly be too far left for the country,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “Therefore, I must insist that we wait until Hillary Clinton becomes president, and allow her to nominate her own far-left nominee.”

The Republican presidential candidates agreed. “The next president should fill this vacancy,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX). “And once she’s sworn in, we can have a reasonable debate about who it should be.”

Cruz also criticized Obama’s stated intention to nominate a replacement soon. “What gives him the right to nominate a justice so close to the end of his term?” asked Cruz. “Besides the Constitution, I mean.”

Marco Rubio under sedation after repeating Obama sound bite two hundred times in a row

7 Feb

DOVER, New Hampshire–in a stunning turn of events, Sen. Marco Rubio (R–FL) was admitted today to Dover Medical Center, reportedly suffering from a fugue state in which he was only able to repeat the same thirty-second sound bite about President Obama in response to all questions.
After last night’s presidential debate, the candidate’s wife, Jeanette Rubio, became concerned after they met in the hotel room and she asked if he had accidentally picked up her toothbrush instead of his own.
“That’s the problem with Barack Obama. It isn’t inexperience; it’s ideology,” said her husband.
A concerned Jeanette Rubio summoned aides, who attempted to get Rubio to snap out of his trance-like state by asking basic questions about the Miami Dolphins and the University of Florida, only to be told that Barack Obama has deliberately led the United States to this point.
After Rubio repeated the comment an additional hundred times, he was taken by ambulance to the hospital, where he was being kept in an induced coma, in which the only signs of consciousness are fluttering eyelids and a well-articulated three-point plan.

Jeb Bush’s support from Latino Republicans in New Hampshire plummets from 66.66% to 33.33%

4 Feb

NASHUA, New Hampshire–the struggling presidential campaign of Jeb Bush took another blow today when polls showed that his support from Latino Republicans living in New Hampshire had fallen precipitously. This has called into question his so-called “Hispanic strategy” as a path to victory.

“Look, we were never going to get Maria,” said David Smith, Bush’s Director of Latino Outreach, referring to Maria Aleman, a second-generation Colombian-American living in Portsmouth. “She’s committed to Rubio. But I thought we had Hector Tamalpais locked up. I don’t know what happened.”

Tamalpais, reached at his home in Dover, explained that “I don’t know; I’m just not really feeling good about Jeb any more.” He said that he was increasingly drawn to John Kasich, “although I like Christie, too.”

Smith said he felt “very confident” that the third Latino Republican, Jose Aznar, “was solidly for us,” and went on to note that “33.33% of any group is an impressive result.”

“Look, this thing might end up in a tie,” said Smith. “If Jeb finishes equal-first among Latinos, and eighth among non-Latinos, who’s really to say who won New Hampshire?”

GOP proposes new debate format, in which people line up and punch Ted Cruz in the face

28 Jan

NEW YORK–with tonight’s Republican presidential primary debate facing uncertainty after Donald Trump’s refusal to participate, GOP Chairman Reince Priebus today suggested an alternative format, “which will consist of people just lining up and then getting to punch Ted Cruz in the face.”

Priebus outlined the proposed approach in an impromptu forty-minute press conference here, most of which consisted of him describing in loving detail what it would be like to punch Ted Cruz in the face.

“And we’ll let anyone in. Other candidates, their families, kids, anyone. A line out the back of the auditorium. And Ted getting punched over, and over, and over,” concluded Priebus, repeating “and over” an additional sixty times before an aide gently led him away by the arm.

In a surprising move, Priebus also used the speech to endorse Donald Trump, nemesis of the GOP establishment, as the best hope of stopping Cruz. Priebus then went on to also endorse Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Benito Mussolini, “and anyone else who can take Ted down a notch.”

Trump, who is vying neck-and-neck with Cruz for victory in the Iowa caucauses next week, released a devastating new anti-Cruz ad today, titled “Get a load of this guy” and consisting of various photos and short videos of Cruz.

  
If elected, Ted cruz pledges to poke every single American in the chest while making a point.

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