Tag Archives: gossip

Growing optimism at Syria peace talks that Justin Bieber “will learn from DUI”

24 Jan

GENEVA–after a contentious start, the Syrian peace talks here grew significantly more optimistic yesterday, with negotiators from both the government and the opposition hopeful that Justin Bieber “will take the right lessons from his DUI arrest” and straighten his ways, according to one participant.

While there has been no movement on the underlying issues fueling the Syrian civil war, including ethnic and religious strife that has led to more than 100,000 deaths, there was nonetheless growing confidence that “Bieber is just starting the next phase of his career,” in the words of opposition commander Ibrahim Salwaar.

Government officials shared this view. President Bashar Assad noted in a tweet that “Justin #Bieber will use DUI 2 learn and grow 4eva #secondchances,” although he also then warned that his army would create a “sea of blood” in fighting outside Aleppo.

“Look, at the end of the day, we’re united by our common humanity, and the desire to see Justin stay on the straight and narrow,” said Secretary of State John Kerry, sporting a new Bieber-inspired haircut. “This can only be good news.”

Silda Spitzer files for divorce; says she hasn’t read the paper in a while

17 Jan

NEW YORK—in a shocking development, Silda Wall Spitzer filed papers yesterday to divorce Eliot Spitzer, the ex-governor of New York. The news surprised and upset the millions of people who had no idea the Spitzers were still married.

In response to questions from reporters, Ms. Spitzer explained that she had “really fallen behind” on the news and had only recently caught up with the papers from March 2008, when the Spitzer prostitution scandal broke.

“I put down my yellowing copy of the Times, marched into the study, and demanded that Eliot tell me whether these stories were true,” said Ms. Spitzer. “Who would put up with that kind of behavior?”

Ms. Spitzer explained that her husband “did seem to be spending a lot more time at home than you would expect from the Governor of New York, but I didn’t really think anything of it.”

Mr. Spitzer was unavailable for comment. He released a statement saying that he was too busy working on his media career and possible political comeback, “because the public has made it clear they’d like to hear a lot more from me.”

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