Tag Archives: government

Concern that slow pace of Trump appointments will delay start of the Purge 

20 Jan

WASHINGTON–as the incoming administration struggles to fill senior political appointments, some experts have expressed concern as to whether the country will be able to start the Purge on time.

“It is not as easy as it looks to organize 24 hours of anarchy and violence,” said former director of the OMB Stuart Raysan. “You need to have a communications plan, you need to get the police and military off the streets, you need to make weaponry easily available. If you don’t have all the pieces in place, you can end up in a pickle.”

Transition spokesman Sean Spicer attempted to reassure a press conference that planning was on track. “At the end of the day, we’ll have the people in place to ensure that our cities burn while law-abiding citizens cower in fear,” said Spicer. “Every administration has some teething problems, but ours won’t prevent launching the Purge on schedule.”

Also considered at risk are the administration’s plans for Thunderdome. “In Thunderdome, there are no rules,” said Raysan. “That means you have to revoke a whole lot of rules. There’s a lot of paperwork involved.”

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Donald Trump appears on The View to discuss yoga and meditation routines

3 Jan

NEW YORK–explaining that one of his New Year’s resolutions was to live an “even healthier lifestyle,” President-Elect Donald Trump appeared yesterday on The View to discuss his daily yoga and meditation routine.

“My body is a temple,” said Trump. “That’s why I am a strict vegan, and I spent ninety minutes every morning meditating and working through my practice.”

Pressed for details, Trump gave a detailed twenty-minute explanation of his yoga sequence. “My practice is mostly ashtanga vinyasa,” he explained, “and it’s important to me to dissipate any vata that builds up. So I start as you’d expect, and work up to upavista konasana, then a supta konasana, then a supta padangustasana, and so on.”

After his start to the day, which Trump prefers to do while facing the rising sun, “I will have some coconut water, or if I’m really hungry, a few lentils with shaved lemongrass.”

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Chris Christie “just not lemonade-stand material,” says daughter

2 Dec

TRENTON, New Jersey–Gov. Chris Christie’s ambitions suffered another blow when his daughter Bridget said that he “just isn’t lemonade-stand helper material,” sources close to the Christie family reported this morning.

According to someone familiar with the matter, Gov. Christie had suggested to Bridget that he could “squeeze lemons, carry the water, and get ice” to help her with her lemonade stand planned for the sidewalk in front of the governor’s mansion. While Ms. Christie said that her father “was in many ways a very compelling candidate,” she ended up giving the helper post instead to Tommy Wilkins from her math class, who was apparently “also well-qualified to make change and interact with customers.”

Gov. Christie, who never formally applied for the role, later held a press conference denying that he had ever held any specific ambitions for the post. “I’m just excited to support Bridget in any way that I can, and if that’s staying in the house away from the windows so no one sees me, then that’s terrific,” said the governor.

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Trump replaces campaign platform with “flying around and doing whatever”

29 Nov

NEW YORK–only weeks after winning the presidential election, Donald Trump announced today that he was making some tweaks to his campaign platform.

“Remember how I said I’d bring jobs back to the heartland? Probably not going to happen,” said the President-Elect. “And instead of building the wall, I thought we might just think about a wall. Okay?”

“Also, we won’t be deporting anyone, or starting a trade war with China, and I’m not going to investigate Hillary Clinton.”

When asked what he would keep from the campaign platform that got him elected, Trump thought for a few minutes. “I think the natural evolution of the platform is, instead of doing stuff, to just sort of fly around and give speeches,” he said. “And hats! We’ll have lots of hats!”

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Trump disputes his own election victory

27 Nov

NEW YORK–a visibly angry Donald Trump today demanded a full recount of the November presidential election “in all 55 states,” saying that his margin of victory had been badly underestimated.

“My numbers show that I defeated Hillary Clinton by more than one hundred million votes,” said Trump at an impromptu press conference. “They also show that I won more electoral votes than anyone else in history, and also that I placed first in the all-around women’s gymnastics in Rio.”

The Federal Election Commission, caught off-guard, released a statement later in the day denying the existence of Trump’s extra four states, which included North Idaho, Central Texas, West America, and Eastern West Virginia.

“The whole system is rigged,” said Trump, deftly executing a back handspring down the escalator at Trump Tower.

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Chris Christie promoted from head of Trump transition team to Special Advisor Without Portfolio

12 Nov

NEW YORK–Chris Christie’s rapid political ascent continued today with the news that Donald Trump was promoting him from head of the transition team to “Special Advisor,” a post created especially for him.

“As Special Advisor to Donald Trump, I’ll have some of the most important responsibilities in his administration,” said Christie. “For example, I will be responsible for washing the team’s uniforms at home and bringing them back to school. Also, I’ll be in charge of keeping the locker room nice and tidy.”

President-Elect Trump called Chris Christie on Friday afternoon to give him the good news. “Chris, you’ve done such a good job running the transition team, that I want you to stop doing it,” he reportedly said. “I’m going to need you for the big stuff now, like handing out the little cartons of milk at lunchtime, and choosing the order to wake everyone up from nap time.”

Experts agreed that the promotion took Christie to even greater levels. “We’re really in uncharted territory here,” said Suzanne Baldrich, Professor of Made-Up Jobs at the University of Idaho. “Special advisor could mean anything, and Christie’s responsibilities just seem to keep growing. Just this morning we heard that he would be in charge of counting off the Cabinet when they come back in from recess and making sure everyone is there.”

Christie, shown here making sure that everyone is lined up straight before heading to lunch

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Chris Christie denies he even wanted that job at the car wash

13 Aug

TRENTON–Gov. Chris Christie (R) today denied that he had even wanted the cashier’s job at Hassan’s 24-Hour Car Wash, just down the street from the statehouse. Owner Hassan Haleed announced yesterday that the role would go to 27-year-old Ron Wetherston, who will be leaving his post at Arby’s in the coming weeks.

“I already have a job,” said Christie after checking his phone. “While the cashier’s job at Hassan’s is of course a real plum, I’m not thinking about what comes next. I’m focused on doing the best job that I can for the people of New Jersey.”

Experts dispute this account, noting that Christie had been promoting the car wash extensively in recent weeks, twirling a big arrow on the sidewalk outside Hassan’s and promoting the “Luxury Wax” service in frequent speeches.

Wetherston, who many think was picked because of his familiarity with the type of cash register used at Hassan’s, spoke graciously of Christie. “He’s a real talent, and he will always be a close friend of the car wash,” said Wetherston. He did not respond to questions asking whether Christie might be able to get a different job on the lot, perhaps in concessions or on the hose. “It’s too early for those discussions,” he said.

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