Tag Archives: government

Rubio: “Everything is going exactly according to plan”

9 Mar

MIAMI–Marco Rubio, fresh off two last-place finishes and two third-place finishes in Tuesday’s voting, announced to an excited crowd here today that “Everything is going exactly according to our plan,” and predicted a strong surge in performance in the coming weeks.

“Last night, America took another big step towards saying yes to President Rubio,” the candidate said, as the Hilton housekeeping staff vacuumed around him. “What are the two elections that everyone says really matter in the first half of the primary? Minnesota and Puerto Rico. Did we win Minnesota and Puerto Rico? Yes, we did.”

Rubio later assured major donors that his surprising collapse in support over the past two weeks, as he has fallen from a strong second-place finisher in most elections to a distant third or fourth, “is all part of the plan.”

“It’s hard to explain exactly what the plan is,” he explained on a conference call. “But we’ve got ’em exactly where we want ’em.”

“We got two third-place finishes last night,” added Rubio later in the call. “You know what they call someone who gets third place in the Olympics? A medallist, that’s what.”

Later in the day, the Rubio campaign unveiled a powerful new slogan, “The best alternative to Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, except for maybe John Kasich.”

  
“What a lot of people don’t yet understand is that I really, really want to be president,” said Rubio.

Republicans demand that Obama wait and let Hillary Clinton nominate the next Supreme Court justice

16 Feb

WASHINGTON–as the battle to replace Antonin Scalia got underway, more and more Senate Republicans have demanded that Hillary Clinton be allowed to nominate the next Supreme Court justice.

“Barack Obama’s policies have failed this nation, and any justice he nominates would certainly be too far left for the country,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “Therefore, I must insist that we wait until Hillary Clinton becomes president, and allow her to nominate her own far-left nominee.”

The Republican presidential candidates agreed. “The next president should fill this vacancy,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX). “And once she’s sworn in, we can have a reasonable debate about who it should be.”

Cruz also criticized Obama’s stated intention to nominate a replacement soon. “What gives him the right to nominate a justice so close to the end of his term?” asked Cruz. “Besides the Constitution, I mean.”

Clarence Thomas unsure whether he should die in his sleep, too

14 Feb

WASHINGTON–as the period of official mourning for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia got under way, Justice Clarence Thomas was reportedly considering whether to die in his sleep as well.

Thomas, who is well known for voting with Scalia 91% of the time, has asked friends and family “whether this is a precedent to follow as well.” As at press time, he was apparently undecided.

Obama tries to think of something nice to say about Antonin Scalia

13 Feb

WASHINGTON–twenty-four hours after the death of Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama was still trying to think of nice things to say about him, sources close to the White House say.

“Justice Scalia was always someone you knew existed, even when you didn’t call him or talk to him for years on end,” said the President in an official statement. “He showed up for work, and owned a black robe like the other justices.”

Speaking later in the day, Obama added that “he lived in a house,” and also that “he apparently enjoyed Italian food, which I also like, although we probably liked different specific dishes, if I have to guess.”

“No one who knew Antonin will ever forget that his name was always a little tricky to spell if you weren’t thinking about it,” said Obama in closing. “And I think that may be his legacy to us all.”

  
“Without a doubt, Justice Scalia had reasonably flexible fingers,” said Obama.

Marco Rubio under sedation after repeating Obama sound bite two hundred times in a row

7 Feb

DOVER, New Hampshire–in a stunning turn of events, Sen. Marco Rubio (R–FL) was admitted today to Dover Medical Center, reportedly suffering from a fugue state in which he was only able to repeat the same thirty-second sound bite about President Obama in response to all questions.
After last night’s presidential debate, the candidate’s wife, Jeanette Rubio, became concerned after they met in the hotel room and she asked if he had accidentally picked up her toothbrush instead of his own.
“That’s the problem with Barack Obama. It isn’t inexperience; it’s ideology,” said her husband.
A concerned Jeanette Rubio summoned aides, who attempted to get Rubio to snap out of his trance-like state by asking basic questions about the Miami Dolphins and the University of Florida, only to be told that Barack Obama has deliberately led the United States to this point.
After Rubio repeated the comment an additional hundred times, he was taken by ambulance to the hospital, where he was being kept in an induced coma, in which the only signs of consciousness are fluttering eyelids and a well-articulated three-point plan.

GOP proposes new debate format, in which people line up and punch Ted Cruz in the face

28 Jan

NEW YORK–with tonight’s Republican presidential primary debate facing uncertainty after Donald Trump’s refusal to participate, GOP Chairman Reince Priebus today suggested an alternative format, “which will consist of people just lining up and then getting to punch Ted Cruz in the face.”

Priebus outlined the proposed approach in an impromptu forty-minute press conference here, most of which consisted of him describing in loving detail what it would be like to punch Ted Cruz in the face.

“And we’ll let anyone in. Other candidates, their families, kids, anyone. A line out the back of the auditorium. And Ted getting punched over, and over, and over,” concluded Priebus, repeating “and over” an additional sixty times before an aide gently led him away by the arm.

In a surprising move, Priebus also used the speech to endorse Donald Trump, nemesis of the GOP establishment, as the best hope of stopping Cruz. Priebus then went on to also endorse Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Benito Mussolini, “and anyone else who can take Ted down a notch.”

Trump, who is vying neck-and-neck with Cruz for victory in the Iowa caucauses next week, released a devastating new anti-Cruz ad today, titled “Get a load of this guy” and consisting of various photos and short videos of Cruz.

  
If elected, Ted cruz pledges to poke every single American in the chest while making a point.

Gov. Chris Christie recaptured in Sinaloa, months after daring tunnel escape

9 Jan

EL AGUADITA, Sinaloa, Mexico–the race for the Republican presidential nomination took a surprising turn as international fugitive Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ), currently polling fourth in New Hampshire, was captured by Mexican special forces only a few miles from the prison from which he made his daring escape last year.
“I’m proud to announce that the notorious fugitive, Governor ‘Chris’ Christie, has been captured,” said Mexico’s Attorney General. “He was unable to maintain a low profile, and instead had been seen a number of times around Sinaloa, as well as in several Republican debates.”
Christie’s recapture ends an embarrassing episode, in which he escaped from a press conference in New York City in July 2015, digging a tunnel beneath a lectern while reporters asked him questions about the George Washington Bridge scandal. Mexico’s armed forces repeatedly identified his location, but were unable to come up with the $2700-per-head minimum required to attend a fundraiser at which he could be apprehended.

   
 Chris Christie in the gubernatorial mansion; undated photo

In historic first, meaningless Saudi elections include women

14 Dec

RIYADH–in what has been billed a historic step forward, Saudi Arabia this weekend allowed women to participate in the country’s completely meaningless elections.

“For the first time in our country’s history, I’m pleased to announce that women will be able to cast the same useless votes as men, and even run for election to powerless rubber-stamp bodies,” said Ibrahim bin Alaheed, Saudi Minister for Women’s Rights and Janitorial Services. “No longer will men’s voices be the only ones we ignore.”

Across the kingdom, women enthusiastically took advantage of the opportunity to ignore the elections to local councils, choosing instead to stay indoors and watch television.

“Am I pleased? Absolutely,” said Kefaya al-Ashreef. “Before, when my husband and I would laugh cynically about the elections, it never felt equal. Now, when I call this a meaningless charade, it feels so much more meaningful.”

In addition to giving women the right to vote and run for election, the Saudi government has announced its plans to expand the rights of the democratically elected local councils, giving them the right to choose the themes for their end-of-the-year gender-segregated mixers, and also increased control over the plant budget.

Benghazi committee extends remit to investigate whether Hillary Clinton cheated on multiplication quiz in fourth grade

22 Oct

WASHINGTON—in a statement explaining that “we have an obligation to the American people to get to the bottom of how we can keep our diplomats safe,” the chairman of the Select Committee on Benghazi, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R—SC) today announced that the committee would investigate whether Hillary Clinton had copied answers from a classmate on an in-class math quiz in 1956.

“Nothing is more important than keeping our investigation tightly focused and non-partisan,” explained Gowdy. “That’s why we need to understand whether Hillary Clinton’s criminal behavior started in high school or grade school.”

According to Gowdy, the committee recently received an anonymous tip from a caller who said that he had heard from someone that Clinton had “flagrantly” copied all of the answers to the 8- and 9-times table from Becky Sheehan, a classmate at Park Ridge Elementary School outside Chicago.

“Obviously, we are not here to generate headlines, or to imply that Hillary Clinton essentially murdered four American diplomats,” said Gowdy. “We simply want the truth.”

Kevin McCarthy resigns as House Speaker after minus 23 days in role

8 Oct

WASHINGTON—Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) resigned today as Speaker of the House, 23 days before being elected to the role.

“After so much time spent almost working on behalf of our party and our nation, it is hard to let go of the reins of power,” said an emotional McCarthy. “However, I have concluded it is time to stand aside and let others fill the shoes that I didn’t actually step into.”

McCarthy’s tenure as not-yet-Speaker was turbulent, trying to placate the hard-right Freedom Caucus while also striking the compromises required to pass legislation. Allies said the first, and also last, straw came when McCarthy came under harsh criticism from Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) for not pre-emptively promising that he would never do anything.

John Boehner (R-OH), who is actually still Speaker, declared that it was a “sad day.” He went on to clarify that he had just finished watching Breaking Bad and was upset they hadn’t set it up for a sequel.

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