Tag Archives: guns

After latest campus shooting, Republicans propose banning campuses

5 Oct

ROSEBURG, Oregon—after another senseless massacre left ten people dead at Umpqua Community College, the leaders of the Republican Party came together to propose a path forward to prevent future campus shootings.

“There are just too many campuses in America today,” said Kevin McCarthy, the likely next Speaker of the House of Representatives. “It’s too easy for evildoers to find a campus and use it to perpetrate these horrible crimes. It’s just common sense that we have to do something about this.”

The Republican plan, which has not yet been fully fleshed out into legislation yet, would propose an amnesty and buyback, during which time universities and colleges that owned campuses would be able to exchange them for “state-of-the-art bunkers with broadband access,” from which professors could provide remote instruction to students.

“There have been too many senseless deaths due to the proliferation of schools and colleges,” said McCarthy. “It’s time we took the tools for mass slaughter out of the hands of the bad guys.”

Well-regulated militia kills ten students in small Oregon town

2 Oct

ROSEBURG, Oregon—another senseless tragedy occurred yesterday when a well-regulated militia stormed the campus of Umpqua Community College here, killing ten people.

“It’s sad, but there will always be crazy people out there,” said Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), the presumptive next Speaker of the House of Representatives. “I wish we could have done something, but this guy was necessary to the security of a free state.”

In London, UK Prime Minister David Cameron expressed his condolences, but also noted that if Chris Harper Mercer hadn’t had easy access to all six of the guns he used in the massacre, “we would probably come back over there and oppress you guys.” He shrugged. “I’d like to say we wouldn’t, but we probably would.”

Families of the dead students released a joint statement to the press saying that “at least our loved ones died for a good reason, propping up the revenues of the firearms industry.”

Texas could run out of places to permit concealed handguns by 2030, new study finds

4 Jun

AUSTIN—an alarming new scientific study confirms that Texas is “rapidly depleting” its supply of locations in which people have not yet been allowed to carry guns, and that “this precious natural resource” could be entirely gone within 15 years.

“For too long, Texas has been using up these gun-free locations without any concern for future generations,” said Dr. Ken Irvine, the lead author of the study. “Unless we take urgent action, we face the very real possibility of a state in which politicians seeking a cheap popularity boost have nowhere left to permit concealed carry.”

The study notes that already politicians have been forced to pass laws permitting concealed weapons in “increasingly absurd” locations such as airport lobbies, churches, and as of this week, college campuses. “Within five years, political opportunists will have to resort to passing new laws to allow guns on shuffleboard courts, hospital delivery rooms, and funeral homes,” noted Dr. Irvine.

Governor Greg Abbott (R) called for a measured response to the report. “I am sure the ingenuity of our scientists will allow us to find more spots where we can cram in concealed carry,” he said. “That’s the kind of thinking that made Texas so incredibly great, and also violent.”

Bet you feel safer already, right?

NRA calls latest wave of shootings “cute”

7 Jun

WASHINGTON–speaking in front of conservative groups here today, NRA leader Wayne Lapierre called the latest wave of senseless gun murders “cute,” noting that “everyone has to start somewhere” when it comes to pointless killing sprees.

“Look, that guy in Seattle was doing his best,” said Lapierre. “I mean, he was new at this, and the Pacific Northwest is tough for a kid trying to break into this game. And I think it’s just adorable that someone could open fire and only kill one person, you know? We should be trying to build this guy’s confidence up, not tear him down.”

Lapierre pledged that the NRA website would soon include a “tips and tricks” section for mentally ill people seeking to inflict maximum casualties. “I mean, I want these people to at least have some self-respect afterwards,” he explained.

Meanwhile, President Obama said that he would have liked to push gun-control legislation, but “the security of our free state is just too darn reliant on all these well-regulated militias.”

Following accident, NRA member has gun pried out of his cold, dead hands

14 Apr

LAWRENCEBURG, Tennessee—fulfilling an oft-stated request, friends of the late Bill Chesterson, lifetime NRA member, pried the gun out of his cold, dead hands here yesterday, a few hours after he accidentally shot himself while checking his ammunition.

“Bill always said that we could have his gun if we did it this way,” said his longtime associate Dave Oxley. “To tell the truth, he seemed pretty insistent on it. So I guess we just felt it was the right thing to do.”

According to witnesses, prying out the gun was surprisingly difficult. They finally released the weapon, a Glock 19 handgun, only after a blue-helmeted stranger wearing arrived in a black helicopter and gave them some pointers, saying he had done this “plenty of times.”

After Fort Hood shooting, Republicans call for ban on mental illness

4 Apr

WASHINGTON—following the second mass shooting on a single army base in five years, the Republican leadership today called for a strict ban on mental illness.

“This tragedy shows that guns and mental illness just don’t mix,” said Speaker John Boehner (R—OH). “The only solution, obviously, is to outlaw mental illness.”

The GOP was not fully united, with members of the party’s libertarian wing warning of government intrusion into a private manner. “When mental illness is outlawed, only outlaws will be mentally ill,” warned Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY). Sen. Paul also warned that the growing Tea Party movement would be “decimated” by a ban on crazy people.

Under the terms of the proposed ban, anyone being found with a mental illness would face a series of short prison terms. Critics have pointed out that this system is already in place across the country.

Georgia will allow firearms in bars, because “guns and alcohol go great together”

25 Mar

ATLANTA–with overwhelming support from both parties, Gov. Nathan Deal today signed a bill that would allow firearms to be carried into bars, because “alcohol and guns are a winning combination.”

“I know when I’m in a bar and a bunch of drunks start getting rowdy, I always think ‘Gee, I’d feel a lot safer if those guys were armed,'” said Deal at the signing ceremony. “Finally, we can make that dream a reality.”

NRA head Wayne LaPierre was present at the ceremony and made a supportive statement in which he said, “If we let people get drunk and then drive home, we should also let them keep their guns.” An aide then whispered something in his ear, after which LaPierre said “Really? Are you sure?” He then turned back to the journalists. “Don’t write that last bit down.”

LaPierre did express concern that America might soon run out of new venues in which to permit guns. “I’m just going to toss some ideas out there,” he said. “Jail visiting rooms? Daycare? Open to anything, folks.”

Deal closed with a stirring explanation of his political philosophy, noting that “freedom and liberty are more important than theoretical concerns about safety.” After a pause, he added, “Unless you’re talking about women seeking abortions from doctors without hospital admitting privileges. That’s totally different.”

After Naval Yard shootings, NRA calls for ban on mental illness

17 Sep

ALEXANDRIA, Va.–the National Rifle Association today issued a statement calling for an “immediate and unconditional” ban on mental illness, following reports that the Naval Yard shooter had a history of post-traumatic stress and other conditions.

“It’s time to stop the bloodshed,” said the NRA’s leader, Wayne LaPierre, in a statement. “We need to take common-sense steps to ensure that no one in America is allowed to be crazy or unbalanced ever again, because those people are super-dangerous.”

LaPierre noted that the ban would be hard to enforce, but observed that “obviously, there is no other possible remedy to the problem of mentally ill people using guns to kill large numbers of people.”

As it has done in the past, the NRA repeated its plea for more guns in society, so that wrongdoers can be stopped quickly by passersby. “Imagine if, the next time you are sitting in a doctor’s office, everyone there is pointing a handgun at the person next to them,” said LaPierre. “You’d obviously feel a lot safer, right?”

Shortly afterwards, conservative lawmakers issued a statement saying that “now is the time to come together and grieve as a nation without politics,” and that “the time to have a serious debate about gun ownership is never.”

In wake of Zimmerman controversy, Florida to institute strict license-and-limit regime for killing black youth

15 Jul

TALLAHASSEE–reacting to criticism following the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the death of Trayvon Martin, Florida today announced that it would institute a strict requirement that all neighborhood vigilantes have a license before killing black teenagers, and that there would be a strict season limit of three regular teenagers or five suspicious ones.

“This tragedy has underlined the need to strictly regulate the killing of African-Americans in our state,” said House Speaker Will Weatherford. “If these rules had been in place a year ago, Trayvon Martin would still be alive, unless George Zimmerman had filled out an application and paid a $35 fee.”

The permits will be issued by the newly renamed Florida Department of Fish, Wildlife, and Civil Rights, and will come with an instant voting-background check.

“I think we can all agree that these commonsense rules will help prevent a lot of confusion,” said presidential hopeful Sen. Marco Rubio (R—Fla). “I encourage residents of this great state to ensure their permits are in order, preferably before the next election rolls around.”

GOP statement on Zimmerman verdict: “Thank God it is still legal to shoot black people in America.”

14 Jul

SANFORD, Florida—minutes after George Zimmerman was acquitted of murdering Trayvon Martin, the Republican Party issued a statement celebrating the fact that “our Second Amendment right to stalk and kill black people is still intact.”

“Did George Zimmerman shoot that Negro boy? Sure, he did,” said former Rep. Connie Mack IV. “What is that, illegal?” Mack went on to point out that because of the “liberal media,” Zimmerman had been without his “favorite gun” for months now.

RNC chairman Reince Priebus, answering questions at a press conference, noted that a guilty verdict would have “raised the specter of white people across the country going to jail just for shooting blacks.” Added Priebus, “if the courts can criminalize killing someone like this Martin kid, what’s next? Allowing unfettered access to the ballot box? Legalized interracial dating?”

Members of the jury, in post-trial interviews, explained that they believed Zimmerman had acted in self-defense. “I mean, what was he supposed to do in that situation?” said one juror. “Not follow Martin, get out of the car, start yelling at him, and then pull the trigger?”

If he had been convicted of first-degree murder, under Florida law, Zimmerman would have faced thirty days in jail, a $500 fine, or both.

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