Tag Archives: health care

Healthcare.gov lands on aircraft carrier; “Mission Accomplished”

2 Dec

ABOARD THE USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, ATLANTIC OCEAN—the healthcare.gov website today landed a fighter jet aboard the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln today and emerged in a flight suit to stand before an enormous banner reading “Mission Accomplished.”

Speaking to reporters and the assembled crew, the website noted that in the two months since launch, its failure rate had declined from over 99% to “barely 15%,” and that a web-experience firm had upgraded the website’s usability to “barely adequate.”

“When this administration says it will deliver a mediocre outcome by November 30,” said healthcare.gov to the wild cheers of the crew, “it delivers.”

The website then handed out information forms to reporters that were entirely blank, and then noted that to commemorate meeting the deadline, it was changing the birthdate of everyone registering from Oklahoma and Tennessee to November 30, 1888.

Air Force One flies low over healthcare.gov rollout; Obama “shocked” by devastation

16 Nov

WASHINGTON–returning from a trip to the West Coast this morning, President Obama directed Air Force One to conduct a low-altitude flyover of the rollout of the healthcare.gov website. Aides said the President was “shocked” by the extent of the catastrophe.

“The President cares deeply about the suffering of the people in areas affected by the website rollout, and was deeply saddened to see how bad the situation was when he looked at it through the airplane window,” said a White House spokesperson. “He has directed his staff to do everything possible to provide relief.”

A shaken Obama later told reporters that he had “no idea” how bad it was until he flew over the scene at less than ten thousand feet.

“Obviously this was a completely unforeseeable natural disaster,” said Obama in a prepared statement. “But I take full accountability for the fact that we have not moved quickly enough to remedy this catastrophe that once again was in no way whatsoever of our making.”

Sources confirm that Obama is determined that the healthcare.gov debacle will in no way derail his ambitious second-term agenda, which includes completing his second term and perhaps losing a little weight.

Obama has second thoughts about insurance cancellations, domestic policy in general

14 Nov

WASHINGTON—in a dramatic about-face, President Obama today said that he would support extending the insurance plans of people whose policies were to be cancelled as failing to meet the minimum standards of the Affordable Care Act. He also then went on to admit that he was rethinking his entire health-care agenda, “and indeed pretty much everything that I’ve been working on for the last five years.”

Speaking to a surprised group of reporters, Obama admitted that “maybe we shouldn’t be trying to cover uninsured people after all.” He then added that “I’m not sure civil rights really make sense for most people,” and shared his personal belief that “surveillance doesn’t make any of us safer.”

In foreign policy, Obama noted that “all these drone strikes don’t seem to be getting rid of terrorism,” and noted that “this entire shift to the Pacific is probably overblown.” He noted that the longstanding alliance with Western Europe “sort of seems like it should be done by now, you know?”

Confronted by Democrats angry that the White House had reversed itself on virtually every issue, Obama told everyone to “just chillax,” and noted that “a guy’s allowed to change his mind now and then.” He also observed that he was likely to be changing his party registration to Independent, noting that “it seems to have worked really well for Joe Lieberman.”

Germany suggests Kathleen Sebelius run eavesdropping program

31 Oct

BERLIN—in a conciliatory gesture after several angry exchanges about US spying on her personal cell phone, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany today suggested that Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, could run the NSA’s eavesdropping program as soon as she finishes building the HealthCare.gov website.

“I think Secretary Sebelius is exactly the person I want trying to listen in to my phone calls,” said Chancellor Merkel. “It would give me great confidence knowing that she was running all US spy technology.

“Whatever,” said Sebelius, taking a quick break from soldering together two wires. She explained that if she could just get a few more wires connected, then the HealthCare.gov website would probably be up and running again.

Further attempts to contact Sebelius’s office were unsuccessful. Initially, one of the tin cans could not be located, and shortly thereafter the string broke.

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