Tag Archives: health

Donald Trump appears on The View to discuss yoga and meditation routines

3 Jan

NEW YORK–explaining that one of his New Year’s resolutions was to live an “even healthier lifestyle,” President-Elect Donald Trump appeared yesterday on The View to discuss his daily yoga and meditation routine.

“My body is a temple,” said Trump. “That’s why I am a strict vegan, and I spent ninety minutes every morning meditating and working through my practice.”

Pressed for details, Trump gave a detailed twenty-minute explanation of his yoga sequence. “My practice is mostly ashtanga vinyasa,” he explained, “and it’s important to me to dissipate any vata that builds up. So I start as you’d expect, and work up to upavista konasana, then a supta konasana, then a supta padangustasana, and so on.”

After his start to the day, which Trump prefers to do while facing the rising sun, “I will have some coconut water, or if I’m really hungry, a few lentils with shaved lemongrass.”

Looking ahead to 2016, Republicans decide to start talking about rape again

7 Feb

WASHINGTON–as the 2016 election approaches, the Republican Party is making a push to increase its focus one of its traditional vote-winning issues, rape.

“The women’s vote is the key to the White House, and we all know that there’s nothing women like more than seeing a bunch of middle-aged men on television talking about the ways in which rape is bad overall, but sometimes not really so bad, you know?” said Reince Priebus, the GOP national chairman. “That’s why I’m excited that we’re getting back out there and talking about it once again.”

The first sign of the change came this week when West Virginia state delegate Brian Kurcaba explained how “the beautiful thing about rape” is when a baby was conceived as a result.

Priebus said that the party had lost confidence in its rape agenda after several Republican congressional candidates lost elections after discussing it. “I think we know now that was an overreaction,” he explained. “The key is just staying organized and on-message.”

According to Priebus, the party is now working to agree on a common set of terminology. “Part of the problem last time is that people just make up the terms as they go along. ‘Legitimate’ vs ‘Actual’ vs ‘Real’–we need to align on some simple words and messages to make sure people know what we stand for.”

Priebus was quick to underline that the Republican Party was sensitive to the concerns of women. “Let’s face it, we need to remember that rape is not always a good thing,” he said. “Sometimes women aren’t even asking for it with the way they’re dressed.”

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Brian Kurcaba (R–WV) heads the Creepy Guys Who Spend a Lot of Time in Their Basements Caucus

Chris Christie makes strong play for stupid vote with anti-vaccine comments

4 Feb

LONDON–Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) made several comments yesterday in support of parents who choose not to have their children vaccinated against measles, thereby staking out a strong claim to the stupid vote in the upcoming GOP presidential primaries.

“It’s not that I’m saying that the anti-measles vaccine will make you gay,” said Christie to startled reporters. “It’s just that I’ve challenged CDC Director Tom Frieden to provide us with proof–not assurances, cold hard proof–that the current vaccine wasn’t created by Elvis Presley and JFK using alien technology to read our thoughts.”

When asked about the overwhelming scientific evidence that the vaccine is safe and effective, Christie noted that “the jury is still out on science,” and said he would wait for more information, preferably delivered on mimeograph paper with lots of typos.

When asked whether he wasn’t letting his presidential ambitions get in the way of promoting public health, Christie was thoughtful for a moment. “I think I’d draw the line at about five hundred dead kids,” he said finally. “If we had five hundred kids dead from measles, then I might pull back a little. One hundred, two hundred to get me to the White House–that feels fine.”

Official Portrait
“Obviously my kids have been vaccinated and won’t get measles, but that doesn’t mean yours can’t.”

CDC encourages American parents to receive anti-ignorance vaccine

4 Feb

ATLANTA–Tom Frieden, the director of the Centers for Disease Control, today encouraged all American parents who have not yet done so to receive a new anti-ignorance vaccine that is being rushed to market.

“This new compound is safe, effective, and affordable, and will have significant benefits for public health,” said Frieden.

The vaccine is administered in the form of a single sheet of paper that explains the overwhelming scientific evidence that the measles vaccine is safe and effective. Frieden explained that it was painless and required less than five minutes.

The vaccine is contraindicated for some small groups, such as politicians tacking right for the GOP primaries, but otherwise should be distributed “as widely as possible.”

Frieden noted that the scientific consensus behind the safety and efficacy of vaccination was “overwhelming,” and that the only suggestion to the contrary was a 1998 paper that used an innovative statistical technique known as “falsified data.”

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Frieden asked if he would be more convincing if he stood on a street corner and held up a handmade sign stating that vaccines are safe

Ebola nurse angrily asserts her right to run around licking strangers on the face

30 Oct

PORTLAND, Maine—Kaci Hickox, the nurse who was briefly quarantined after returning from treating Ebola patients, and then announced that she would not stay at home as requested for 21 days, today said that she would defy the CDC’s request that she not lick people “right on the kisser.”

“My human rights are the most important thing in this situation,” said Hickox at a press conference today, “and one of my most basic rights is the right to go all over the country and lick anyone that I see all over the face.” Pointing her finger at a CDC official standing haplessly at the end of the stage, she added, “You know who didn’t let people lick strangers on the street? The Nazis.”

After the press conference, Hickox adjourned to the local Pizza Hut, where she asserted her right to sneeze on the salad bar.

NFL can’t remember whether it has kicked off the season or not

8 Sep

NEW YORK—citing short-term memory loss, the NFL today admitted that it couldn’t remember whether the 2014 football season had started last weekend or not.

“I’m embarrassed to admit this, because we like to think of ourselves as tough guys, but no one here in the building can remember whether we played games over the weekend,” said Roger Goodell, speaking to reporters. “Also, if anyone knows where I parked my car, can you please let me know?”

Goodell denied that NFL management’s memory issues and headaches could have stemmed from repeated blows to the head. “Who said anything about concussions?” asked Goodell, when no one had said anything about concussions. “I don’t even know what that means.”

An NFL staffer later clarified that Goodell genuinely was not sure what the word meant. “He’s all headache-y today, and he’s not remembering well,” said the aide. “At least, that’s what I wrote down here on my arm with a Sharpie.”

Goodell also noted that he couldn’t remember what stiff punishment he had given Ray Rice on his domestic violence charge. “I’m sure it was really harsh, though,” said Goodell.

Ebola upgraded in seriousness from “dead foreigners” to “sick Americans”

18 Aug

ATLANTA—the Ebola epidemic has taken a grim new turn in the last few days, as officials confirmed that in addition to killing hundreds of people in Africa, there are now at least two sick Americans.

“I guess I was following it before,” said David Hemstrich, public-health expert at the National Security Council. “There were all these people dying in places like Liberia and Guinea, or maybe Guyana, or something. But now it’s serious.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta issued a bulletin advising Americans to “stay away from foreign countries” as well as avoiding foreigners who look “germy.” It also suggested ceasing to watch television shows set overseas, “just to be on the safe side.”

Hemstrich hastened to add that “we’re not saying that an African life is less valuable than an American life.” After a pause, he added, “at worst, we’re very strongly implying that.”

Eric Cantor reveals preventative surgery for brain cancer

15 May

HOUSTON–in a moving speech, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor today revealed that he underwent preventative surgery a few years ago because of his family history of brain cancer.

“These are difficult decisions, and I don’t pretend to know what’s right for everyone,” said Cantor. He then lost his train of thought and spent several minutes staring directly at the sun. A moment later, he sponsored the 37th House vote to repeal Obamacare.

Although Cantor declined to offer specifics, he said that he had had “radical preventative surgery” to prevent an occurrence of the brain cancer that he had seen on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy and which “really scared the bejeezus out of me.” He didn’t give a date for the surgery, although experts noted that in February 2012 Cantor attempted to do a magic trick while being interviewed on Fox News.

“I feel great after the surgery,” said Cantor. “I’m going to recommend it to all my colleagues in the House.”

Hostess ceases production; America’s obesity lead seen as under threat

17 Nov

IRVING, Texas–Hostess, maker of Twinkies, Ho-Hos, and Ding Dongs, announced yesterday that it had ceased production, leading to warnings that America’s standing as the world’s fattest nation could be under threat.

“This administration’s obesity policy has collapsed,” said Rush Limbaugh. “We have squandered a century-old advantage and are at the mercy of emerging fat powers like India and China.”

As if to underscore the changing of the international BMI pecking order, China’s Shenzen Baking and Cement Company today announced that it was beginning mass production of a fourteen-inch donut that packs over twelve thousand calories. “Our all-new Number One Lucky Jade Golden Dragon Happy Donut will enable China to join the ranks of plus-size superpowers,” announced SBCC’s President, Wen Cai.

President Obama, on the defensive, denied that the bankruptcy of Hostess marked a turning point in America’s fat competitiveness. “We have a long tradition of overeating without anyone’s help,” he said, buttering a piece of bacon and popping it in his mouth. “We’ll make our own junk food.”

Republicans scoffed. “Sure, I’ll just grab the partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and the maltodextrin out of the cupboard,” scoffed Newt Gingrinch. “This President has proven he knows nothing about what it takes to be fat.”

Romney promises that Americans will be able to lose weight without diet or exercise

25 Oct

DAYTON, Ohio—Mitt Romney today pledged that, if he is elected, all Americans will be able to maintain a healthy body weight without exercising, while eating whatever they want.

“Under my health-care plan, you will be able to eat pizza and ice cream at every meal, sit on the couch all day, and get back to your college weight within six weeks,” Romney told a cheering crowd at a rally here. “It’s based on the same principles as my budget plan.”

Asked for specifics, Romney explained that “we will reduce caloric intake in other ways” to ensure that Americans lost the weight. When pressed for details, he said that he wanted to consult with Congress over the specific calorie reductions once in office.

The Obama campaign was clearly shaken by Romney’s bold new pledge. After some delay, a hastily-assembled press release announced that the administration would create a series of YouTube workout videos called “Sweatin’ With Joe,” featuring Vice-President Biden in his vintage leg warmers.

“If Romney wins,” said Stephanie Cutter, “we’re going to release these things. You’ve been warned.”

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