Tag Archives: hillary clinton

Angry voters demand Democrats engage in more name-calling and dumb stunts in future debates

15 Oct

LAS VEGAS—disappointed by what was mostly a substantive debate on issues, angry voters from across the political spectrum have demanded the Democrats overhaul future debates to ensure more “stupid insults and attention-grabbing antics” in the future.

“First of all, if I wanted to learn about the issues, I would have read the magazines in my dentist’s office, okay?” said Chris Shelbourne, a fitness instructor who went to a buddy’s house to watch the debate. “Second, if they aren’t going to stand up there and make fun of each other’s appearance, then why am I even watching this?”

Said Shelbourne, “it was just blah blah blah domestic policy this and blah blah blah foreign policy that. Are we electing a President? Or what?”

Pundits were equally critical, and demanded changes to future debates. “First, we need way more people up there on stage,” said Susan O’Connell, Director of Ratings-Driven Stunts at Fox News. “Ten was okay for the Republicans, but let’s take it further—fifteen, twenty, so many that people need to be completely outrageous in the few chances they get to speak. Second, I know Trump is taken, but there must be some real blowhard Democrats they can get up there to spout offensive garbage. Third, Chris Christie should be invited to every debate, because he’s awesome.”

Scrambling to respond, the campaigns of Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders issued a joint statement, in which they promised to release thirty yo-momma jokes by the end of the week.

Bernie Sanders enters presidential race; Martin O’Malley worried it will derail his smooth path to the Democratic nomination

1 May

BURLINGTON, VT—Bernie Sanders, the longtime independent Senator, declared his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination, complicating former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley’s expected smooth path through the primaries.

“Make no mistake about it, this throws a monkey wrench in O’Malley’s plans,” said Ritchie Oriol, professor of political science at UNLV. “O’Malley figured he could run towards the center, win every primary, and save his money for the general election. Now he’s got to fight off Sanders from the left.”

Oriol stressed that Sanders was unlikely to win. “He probably doesn’t have a viable path to the nomination, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be a disruptive force for O’Malley.”

According to Oriol, the real concern would be “if someone else, an even stronger candidate, were to enter the Democratic primaries. Then we can start to come up with realistic scenarios where O’Malley loses the nomination.”

Sanders: a “legitimate threat” to Martin O’Malley’s presidential hopes

Hillary Clinton launches presidential campaign with inspiring slogan: “Because you don’t have a choice”

13 Apr

NEW YORK—ending months of speculation, Hillary Clinton formally launched her presidential campaign yesterday. Speaking in a short video, she reminded Democratic primary voters that “it’s my turn, and you don’t really have a choice, do you?”

While stirring patriotic music played in the background, Clinton spoke directly into the camera. “What are you going to do, draft Joe Biden?” she asked. “Vote for Martin O’Malley? Come on.”

Later, a spokesman explained that “the most successful presidential candidates are the ones with a sense of entitlement, who take it for granted” and that “a little taunting the voters never hurt anyone.”

Experts agree that Hillary’s greatest challenge is to explain why voters should elect her President, and she tackled this question head-on in the video, addressing the camera and explaining that “I really, really want to be President, and I’ve been waiting a long time, and so you have to vote for me.”

“Come on. Who else are you going to vote for? Chris Dodd?”

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