Tag Archives: house

Kevin McCarthy promises to run House of Representatives from an underground bunker in Idaho

28 Sep

WASHINGTON–Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), the No. 2 House Republican and current favorite to replace John Boehner, promised today that if elected Speaker, he would carry out all of his duties from “a secret bunker somewhere in northern Idaho.”

The pledge immediately bought him some goodwill among members of the Tea Party. “I was suspicious that Kevin might be another appeaser, because he’s never spent time in prison for threatening to blow up the Capitol, but I like this bunker thing,” said Jim Jordan (R-OH), chair of the Freedom Caucus and possible candidate for speaker himself. “I sent him some photos of mine to give him decorating tips.”

McCarthy has pledged that as Speaker, he will hide in the bunker, living exclusively off canned goods, and at no point engage in any discussions with any politicians on any topics whatsoever or support any legislation. “It’s a start,” said Jordan. “We’d like to get a list of the guns, though.”

Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA), a rival of McCarthy’s, dismissed the bunker pledge as “weak,” asking “what’s Kevin going to do when the United Nations invades Idaho to disarm freedom-loving patriots?” Scalise promised that he would fulfill his duties of speaker from a secret submarine operating only in “freedom-loving red-state waters,” like in the Terminator movies. He also apologized again for his infamous 2002 speech to a group of white supremacists, saying that when he had agreed to address the group, he didn’t know that it had recently endorsed a small tax increase to pay for local schools.

  

McCarthy standing in front of lead-lined American flags, which help keep airborne fluoride out of his precious bodily fluids

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Congress starts new session confident it will pass immigration reform, lose some weight, quit smoking

3 Jun

WASHINGTON—Congress returned from a one-week recess today, vowing that it would put the last few years of dysfunction behind it.

“We’re gonna pass a great immigration bill,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D—Nevada). “Then we’re all going to join gyms and get back to our high-school weight. Everyone’s going to quit smoking. Confidence is high.”

The spirit was bipartisan. “The American people have told us loud and clear that they want us to tackle the nation’s toughest problems,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R—Ohio), working his way through a bucket of KFC. “And as soon as I can fit back into these pants, that’s exactly what I’m going to do, right after we vote again to repeal Obamacare.”

While experts expressed some doubt that Congress would find a way to be productive this session, given its recent track record of stalemate and incompetence, no such naysaying was heard in Washington. “Look, we need to do some serious work,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R—Kentucky). “And we’re totally going to start that in a couple days, right after a few quick hearings on the Obama administration that have no possibility of a meaningful outcome. But right after that.”

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