Tag Archives: hurricane

Tea Party members reject hurricane rescues on ideological grounds

31 Oct

ATLANTIC CITY—in keeping with their avowed anti-government stance, right-wing activists endangered by Hurricane Sandy have been almost unanimously rejecting the efforts of taxpayer-supported search-and-rescue teams that are trying to help them.

“No thank you!” shouted Dolores Vandermeer to the Newark ambulance crew working to free her from beneath the tree that had shattered her leg. “Last year I said government isn’t the solution to anything. What am I, a hypocrite?”

John Rottmeyer voiced similar views as he stood on the roof of his car, surrounded by floodwaters here in Atlantic City. “We need a free-market solution to this,” he yelled, waving off a Coast Guard helicopter that was prepared to winch him to safety. “The private sector should provide disaster rescue insurance, and I as a rational consumer will take it out, and we can get rid of these faceless bureaucrats,” he explained, pointing towards the four people risking their lives to help him.

In a post-hurricane rant on Fox, Ann Coulter reinforced the notion that government should get out of the way. “If we didn’t have Washington getting in our way, private citizens would come together and agree on a solution that worked for everyone, and then organize to put it in place.” When it was explained to her that that was what government was, she looked nonplussed. “Then it needs more flags,” she said.

Mitt Romney, who last year declared that FEMA was a waste of taxpayer money and should be abolished, today clarified his statement, explaining that he had been misquoted. “What I was actually saying was ‘I love America,’” announced Romney.

Republican Senate candidates grab Mitt Romney’s arm; ask for help in finding a job

28 Oct

COLUMBUS, Ohio–voters at a Republican rally here today were treated to a heartrending tale about a Republican Senate candidate who approached Mitt Romney after a rally, grabbed his arm, and asked for help finding a job.

“And this man, Todd, he comes up to me, and he says please–please, Mitt, he said–I live just over in Missouri, and I’m about to be out of work, and I really would like your help getting a job,” said Romney to the crowd.

According to pundits, the anecdote marked the ten-thousandth time someone has approached Romney after a rally and grabbed his arm. According to campaign sources, Romney gets deep-tissue massage every evening to keep his heavily-handled limbs in working condition.

Romney has been alternating the “Todd” story with another about a man named “Richard” from Indiana who is facing the same situation.

“My heart goes out to these folks,” said Romney. “They both told me that they thought they would get jobs in November, but now they won’t, and all because of the Obama recession, plus the fact that they keep saying really weird things about rape.”

President Obama, according to Anderson Cooper, has only been grabbed by the arm four times during the campaign. “And all of those were during the second debate,” explained Cooper.

In other news, Romney told a group of evangelicals that “God wants me to win this thing,” shortly before two campaign stops in Virginia were cancelled because of a hurricane.

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