Tag Archives: Idaho

Oregon lets everyone down again

18 Aug

PORTLAND, Oregon–once again, the state of Oregon is letting everybody down.

The latest disappointment from the “middle child of the West Coast” came with the news that the state was the only one outside the South and the Midwest to hold a pro-Confederate-flag rally since the Charleston shooting, aside from one that was probably in Arizona, but because the states on our map weren’t labelled, might conceivably have been in New Mexico.

The rally was attended by a “couple of dozen dudes” who were “probably typical Oregonians,” according to local media reports.

Even Idaho, which has spent years preparing for a United Nations invasion to take away its guns, was disappointed with the latest news. “Get it together, guys,” said Idaho Gov. Butch Otter, whose awesome name has gotten his state some mentions in political humor blogs that might otherwise have taken their business elsewhere.

Oregon’s pro-Confederate rally lines up with a number of stupid laws already on the books in the state, such as one that denies Americans their constitutional right to pump their own gas. The only other state where it is illegal to pump your own gas is New Jersey, where–perhaps coincidentally, perhaps not–a longtime Nazi official was found to be hiding under an assumed name in 1974.

It is also illegal in Oregon to fish using canned corn as bait.

Gov. Kate Brown, who assumed office in February of this year after her predecessor did something stupid, recently issued a blanket apology for the state and its conduct. However, she revealed no plans to change her name to “Butch Otter,” which could have really helped the situation.

rallies

Come on, Oregon. Get with the program.

Pro-Russian demonstrators seize buildings in Boise, Idaho

6 May

BOISE—the Ukrainian crisis took a new and startling turn today as hundreds of pro-Russian demonstrators seized control of government buildings all across this mid-sized city.

“We have three demands,” said the newly self-appointed mayor, who gave his name only as “Dmitri Number One” and claimed to be a lifelong resident of Pocatello. “First, we demand complete independence from United States and full union with Mother Russia. Second, colder winters. And third, we demand to repel German invaders. If Germans do not wish to invade, you must make them, so that we can be covered in glory.”

Deposed mayor David Bieter expressed his anger at the change and his conviction that Moscow was behind the change. “This has the fingerprints of Bill Lambert, the mayor of Moscow, Idaho, all over it,” fumed Bieter. “He’s still mad that we didn’t cut him in on the Potato Days festival.”

No one could explain where a large group of Russian speakers demanding secession had come from, so suddenly. Most demonstrators refused to comment or could not speak English; those that could maintained that they had been born in Idaho and lived there for decades.

“Why so suspicious?” asked Mr. Number One, the new mayor, at a press conference. “Around world, everyone demands union with Russia. Is all one hundred percentage spontaneous, I assure you.” He spoke on the steps of the Boise town hall, now flying the Russian flag, in front of a backdrop of men in camouflage fatigues cradling rifles, shotguns, and millions of dollars of Warsaw Pact surface-to-air missiles. “Just some things we had at home,” explained the mayor.

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