Tag Archives: immigration

Republicans working hard to be “just the right amount of racist” in response to Obama immigration order

21 Nov

WASHINGTON–Republican insiders today announced that the party was focused on its response to Obama’s executive order on immigration, and that they were confident that they would have “just the right amount of racism” in their response.

“See, we need to play to our base’s fear of swarthy immigrants, without being so overtly bigoted that swing voters notice what we’re doing,” said presumptive Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “For example, we’ll show black-and-white footage of Guatemalans who might be rapists, but we won’t actually use any racial slurs.”

Because polling has repeatedly shown that most Americans support a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants, “we can’t just haul off and talk about lazy Mexicans mooching off our system,” explained McConnell. “So we’re working hard on the abuse of power angle–subtle stuff, like showing Obama with a Hitler mustache.”

Asked how the electoral math was going to work, given that Latinos are a large and fast-growing segment of the population, McConnell chuckled. “As long as we don’t give ethnics the vote, I don’t foresee any problems.” When told that of course Latino citizens can vote, McConnell looked surprised, and quickly terminated the interview, explaining that he needed to consult with his colleagues.

IMG_0053.JPGMitch McConnell: “I see white people.”

GOP concerned that Obama immigration order will undermine strong bipartisan working relationship between Congress and White House

20 Nov

WASHINGTON—as President Obama prepared an executive order removing the threat of deportation from millions of immigrants, Republican leaders warned him that such an action could jeopardize “the warm, constructive relationship we’ve enjoyed in recent years.”

Speaking at a fundraiser, Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) said that “As much as I’ve enjoyed working with Barack over the past two years to reach sensible compromises on behalf of the American people, I worry that it will be harder for us to get even more meaningful legislation passed.”

A White House spokesman noted that “the President appreciates everything the Republicans have done to support his administration over the past two years, and he hopes that this executive order is just a blip in an otherwise strong working relationship.”

Speaker John Boehner countered that “while we are so close to landmark tax reform, a comprehensive infrastructure investment program, a common-sense set of changes to the financial regulatory framework, and a host of other important bills, I’m worried we may now face some delays.”

GOP woos young people and women with higher student-loan rates, additional restrictions on abortion

1 Jul

WASHINGTON—concerned that the Republican Party is unpopular with young people and women, the party’s leaders have put forward an agenda that makes college less affordable and abortions harder to get.

“We can no longer rely on a coalition of angry middle-aged white men,” said John Boehner. “That’s why we’re responding with a series of measures designed to appeal to angry middle-aged white men.”

The centerpiece of the federal GOP agenda has been allowing preferential rates on student loans to expire. “America needs to make itself more competitive,” said Rep. Paul Ryan (R—Wisconsin). “And obviously the way to do that is to prevent young people from accessing higher education.”

Additional restrictions on abortion are being pushed primarily at the state level, which will enable the GOP to accommodate the large number of male politicians eager to talk about rape. Said Gov. John Kasich (R—Ohio), “there just hasn’t been enough discussion of mandatory vaginal ultrasounds at a local or a state level recently.”

Immigration reform, which could help the party with Hispanics, is the likely third piece of the puzzle. Leading House Republicans have already started about ways that they can curry favor by undermining the bill recently passed by the Senate. “I’m hopeful that when we vote down the bill, we do so for some totally petty and unrelated reason,” said Rep. Eric Cantor (R—Virginia). “Better still would be if we managed to work some racial epithets into the debate.”

Building on recent successes on budget and gun control, Congress to take up immigration reform

23 Apr

WASHINGTON—following its recent landmark bipartisan bill addressing the long-term budget as well as a historic compromise on gun control, the United States Congress this morning began hearings on a blockbuster immigration reform that is expected completely to solve all the disputes and confusion around immigration in this country.

“The Senate has the hot hand right now,” said Sen. Marco Rubio (R—Florida) after the hearing. “We’ve shown that we can cut through the rhetoric and politics-as-usual to deliver the bipartisan results the American people expect. So this is the perfect time to to tackle immigration.”

President Obama was similarly optimistic. “My hands-on leadership and engagement with Congress, combined with the flexibility and pragmatism of the Republican leadership, has already cracked two of the toughest problems facing the country,” he said. “I’m sure the same reasoned, practical approach will be able to address two decades of incoherent immigration policy.”

Senate Republicans were said to be eager to hammer out a compromise. “Although I don’t see eye-to-eye with the Democrats on immigration, I’m sure we can find a common-sense solution that gives everyone a little bit of what they want,” said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R—Kentucky). “After all, give-and-take is the hallmark of democracy.”

Once immigration is in the rear-view mirror, the Senate plans to tackle peace in the Middle East, abortion rights, state-federal relations, and the proper size and role of government. “Hey, the American people expect us to solve tough problems,” said Obama. “Only a bunch of incompetents wouldn’t be able to make progress on the big issues.”

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