Tag Archives: intelligence

British spies report “undesirable nudity” in intercepted webcam chats; humiliated terrorists flock to the gym

28 Feb

LONDON—British intelligence has been intercepting millions of video chats and reports seeing “undesirable nudity” in 7% of them, causing a wave of terrorists to head to the gym to try to make their nudity a little bit more desirable, according to documents leaked here today.

“Oh, my God. I am so embarrassed,” said Kelsey Winslow, 26, who makes firebombs for a radical environmental group in Wales. “Sure, I’ve let myself go a bit during my time on the lam, but I didn’t realize it was as bad as that.” Winslow reports having started a rigorous cross-training program and says she “hopes the next leaked report gives us a better grade.”

Experts voiced concerns that the language of the report could lead to a negative body image among thousands of wanted felons, potentially leading to eating disorders. “Fugitives tend to have low self-esteem to begin with,” said Sandy Pearsall, a professor at Sheffield Medical School. “Being called names by the government is just going to make things worse.”

Not all surveillance targets accepted British intelligence’s verdict. “You call this undesirable nudity?” demanded Mohsin al-Ibrahim, 38, a member of a militant splinter faction in east London, sucking in his gut and flexing. “Look at the guns!” he shouted, kissing his own bicep. “Like pythons!”

A spokesman for the British government refused to answer questions, although, departing from his prepared text, he did note that “there are certain angles and lighting from which Mr. al-Ibrahim’s self-assessment is not entirely accurate.”

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Obama promises allies “20 percent less spying”

28 Oct

WASHINGTON—President Obama today promised America’s leading allies that he would reduce spying on their leaders by “twenty percent or more” in order to “increase your trust in America even further.” The offer follows outrage over the revelation that the NSA has been monitoring the private conversations of European heads of state for years.

“While the exact figure is classified, I’m happy to report that we will spy on you at least one-fifth less than we have in the past,” the President told diplomats at a closed-door briefing at the White House, sources report. Obama went on to explain that electronic surveillance would only be ramped up in case of extreme necessity, and then only after a detailed review process, which would consist of “me asking some guys whether it made sense, and then nodding a couple of times.”

The White House later released a statement explaining that Obama had not been aware of the eavesdropping until relatively recently. “The specific targets of surveillance are dealt with at an agency level,” the statement read. “Spying on allied heads of state and derailing decades of trust isn’t the sort of thing the President should have to get involved with.”

Sources in the NSA confirm that the spying, which has apparently now stopped, produced relatively little of value. Said one analyst who listened to hundreds of hours of cell phone calls from Angela Merkel, “it was mostly just a bunch of stuff in German.”

Edward Snowden asks Russia for asylum in “some country better than Russia”

3 Aug

MOSCOW – two days after being granted temporary asylum here, NSA leaker Edward Snowden submitted a revised asylum petition to the Russian authorities, asking for permission to settle permanently in “some country that is way better than Russia.”

“I mean, I don’t want to sound ungrateful,” read the petition. “But I was kind of hoping for somewhere warm, with a happening club scene.” Later, the petition adds, “No offense.”

The Russian Foreign Ministry seemed confused by the filing. “This is what happens when you let Gen Y leakers into the country,” said a spokesman. “He keeps complaining about the Wifi.”

The United States is continuing its campaign to have Snowden returned to this country to stand trial. Its assurances that Snowden would not be tortured were undercut, however, when the Federal Department of Prisons was found to have ordered several DVDs of “Gigli,” starring Jennifer Lopez.

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