Tag Archives: international

In historic first, meaningless Saudi elections include women

14 Dec

RIYADH–in what has been billed a historic step forward, Saudi Arabia this weekend allowed women to participate in the country’s completely meaningless elections.

“For the first time in our country’s history, I’m pleased to announce that women will be able to cast the same useless votes as men, and even run for election to powerless rubber-stamp bodies,” said Ibrahim bin Alaheed, Saudi Minister for Women’s Rights and Janitorial Services. “No longer will men’s voices be the only ones we ignore.”

Across the kingdom, women enthusiastically took advantage of the opportunity to ignore the elections to local councils, choosing instead to stay indoors and watch television.

“Am I pleased? Absolutely,” said Kefaya al-Ashreef. “Before, when my husband and I would laugh cynically about the elections, it never felt equal. Now, when I call this a meaningless charade, it feels so much more meaningful.”

In addition to giving women the right to vote and run for election, the Saudi government has announced its plans to expand the rights of the democratically elected local councils, giving them the right to choose the themes for their end-of-the-year gender-segregated mixers, and also increased control over the plant budget.

Donald Trump proposes building wall along border between Europe and the United States

16 Nov

DES MOINES, Iowa–responding forcefully to the ISIS attack on Paris, Donald Trump today said that as president, he would build a wall along the border between the United States and Europe to protect against threats from the Middle East, France, and Germany.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the study of history,” said Trump, holding up a copy of Patton, “it’s that Europe’s problems will eventually affect us as well. Therefore the only practical solution to stop the flow of migrants and terrorists and waiters and high-end spa personnel is to build a wall at least thirty feet high all along our shared border.”

Asked how, exactly, such a wall would be built, Trump was dismissive. “That’s the kind of nitpicky thinking that got us in this mess,” he said. “I’ll have one of my business guys work it out.”

Trump also said that the wall wouldn’t cost American taxpayers anything, as he would force Europe and the Middle East to pay for it through levies on their major exports such as Lebanese cucumbers, French fries, and German measles.



Volkswagen apologizes again for emissions scandal, calling it “absolutely the most embarrassing thing in our history, definitely without any exceptions”

25 Sep

WOLFSBURG, Germany—Matthias Müller, the newly appointed CEO of Volkswagen, apologized again for the emissions-cheating scandal, calling it “absolutely the most dark and embarrassing era in our company history, absolutely.”

“We all feel just terrible about this,” said Müller. “Believe me when I say at no point whatsoever in our, whatever it is, 70-ish-year corporate history is there anything else like this that we should feel as ashamed about.”

A quick search on Google where twissblog investigative reporters decided to not scroll down past the first result confirmed Müller’s story.

“I can’t imagine what could be worse than this, and neither can you,” he added.

Ferdinand Porsche, one of the early leaders of Volkswagen, with some totally ordinary Germans, obviously none of whom are in any kind of uniform or anything, just regular people, probably.

Volkswagen emissions-control software discovered when it used its real name on Ashley Madison

21 Sep

WOLFSBURG, Germany—in a crisis that threatens the entire company, Volkswagen’s emissions-control software was discovered to have been cheating. The cheating was discovered as a result of the hack of the website Ashley Madison, where the software apparently kept four separate profiles, all registered to its work address.

“I can’t tell you how ashamed I am to have let you all down,” the designer of the so-called “defeat device” said in a press conference yesterday. “There is no excuse for my actions, and I ask the press to respect our privacy as the EPA and I try to rebuild our relationship.”

On Ashley Madison, according to the information recently released as part of the hack of the infidelity website, the defeat device went primarily by the handle “2big4U” and listed its turn-ons as “roleplay, spanking, and selectively changing the fuel mix in diesel combustion.”

Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized for “poor judgment” and vowed to do “everything he could” to make things right, “short of going to jail, or paying a fine that would have a material impact on our company, or on me personally.”


One of the many nude engine photos the defeat device apparently exchanged on Ashley Madison

New Australian Prime Minister lays out ambition to lead country for “at least a few weeks”

14 Sep

CANBERRA, Australia—in a closely-watched leadership challenge, Malcolm Turnbull today deposed Tony Abbott as Prime Minister, winning an election among the leaders of the Liberal Party. Turnbull then promised that he would “lead Australia into a brighter future, until at least October or maybe November.”

This is the third time in five years Australia has changed its head of government through an internal party challenge, without an election. As a result, there is relatively little patience from members of the public, most of whom are keen to become Prime Minister themselves.

“Look, give this guy a few weeks, but then the way I see it, it’s my turn,” said Susan Naffinch, head of the poultry department at the Lane Cove Woolworths’. “I’m thirty-three years old, and I’ve been waiting a long time for this.”

Australia’s frequent changes of government have caused uncertainty in some major policy areas. Since 2010, the country has had at least eight adorable animal mascots, starting with the kangaroo under Kevin Rudd, then the wallaby under Julia Gillard, then the box jellyfish under Rudd again, who then changed his mind to fried chicken, before losing to Tony Abbott, who went in rapid succession through the opossum, to the possum (“I didn’t realize the opossum was a different animal,” he explained), to the emu, and then Malcolm Turnbull, who chose money. There may have been other policy changes as well on things like human rights.

Turnbull released a statement in which he solemnly pledged to “really have a great time, and fly around all over the place, until I have to hand the keys over to someone else” right around Halloween.

Turnbull and Abbott
Malcolm Turnbull and Tony Abbott in 2014, during a period of a few days when neither one of them could remember who was Prime Minister.

Azerbaijan president irritated that Putin, Kim Jong Un are the only dictators Americans know about

9 Sep

BAKU, Azerbaijan–in a sparsely attended press conference today, Azeri President Ilham Aliyev expressed his “growing anger” at America’s lack of knowledge of or interest in his repressive regime. He blamed a number of factors, saving particular anger for Vladimir Putin of Russia and Kim Jong Un of North Korea for “sucking up all the oxygen” in the dictator-awareness space.

“Those guys, it’s more that they’re famous dictators because they’re famous dictators, you know?” complained Aliyev. “If you look at the fundamentals, I’m just as autocratic. I’m just as irrational. I built the world’s tallest flagpole. I blew billions of dollars on the made-up European Games. But Vladimir Putin rides in a submarine, or trots around on a horse, and he’s on the front page of the Post. I mean, where’s the parity?”

Aliyev also blamed the “winner-take-all” model of social media, in which “we only seem to have time for one or two crazy dictators, and all the others are ignored.” He went on to cite the efforts of “a number of real up-and-comers, young guys who are doing good, creative work, and they just can’t break through.” He cited Teodoro Obiang of Equatorial Guinea as an example of a “crazy young autocrat who just isn’t getting focus,” while also decrying the lack of respect shown to Belarusian president Aleksandr Lukashenko as “ignoring our elders and betters to chase the hot new thing.”

Aliyev did admit that both Putin and Un “have real talent,” citing in particular Un’s habit for being photographed looking at things. “I’m not saying they shouldn’t be getting the love–they might even be one and two on the leaderboard–but we need to share the wealth to numbers three and below.”

Aliyev went on to raise the specter that “if things don’t change, I might stop doing crazy repressive things altogether.”

In addition to his skill at arresting journalists and rigging elections, Aliyev is known for his hilarious Scattergories answers and general clowning around.

Vladimir Putin solves all of Russia’s economic problems by riding in a little submarine

19 Aug

MOSCOW–palpable relief washed over the Russian capital today as the news spread that Vladimir Putin had singlehandedly solved all of the cripping economic and other problems facing Russia by going for a ride in a little submarine.

“It has been a difficult year, with the drop in the oil price and the sanctions,” said Lyudmila Goncharova, a fruit seller at the Orlovsky produce market. “But when I saw the pictures of Vladimir Vladimirovich in that cute little submarine, I knew our problems were at an end.”

The Russian authorities were vague on how, exactly, Putin’s little submarine ride would revitalize the economy. “By making Russia great again!” explained one government spokesman, before looking at his watch and explaining that he needed to leave urgently for an appointment.
After the dive, in which Putin looked at an ancient shipwreck, the Russian President spoke to reporters, explaining that he had just closed the gaping Russian deficit caused by the decreased oil price, and had also strengthened the ruble. “It just takes firm leadership,” he said. He then pointed to the little submarine and noted that it was entirely Russian-made, “except for the submarine part. Paint job is one hundred percent Russian.”

Professor Arkady Strogatevich, an economist at Moscow State University, noted that if necessary, Putin could do even more for the Russian economy. “In the west, where they use girlie-man ‘macroeconomic tools’ instead of strong leadership, they have already lowered interest rates to zero, so they have nowhere else to go,” he explained. “But you will see that in the photos of the Russian submarine, President Putin has not even taken his shirt off.”

Honestly, everyone at twissblog just loves this guy. We think he’s dreamy.

Heavy fighting in Yemen causes concerned Americans to wonder exactly where Yemen is

24 Jul

CHICAGO–Dick Moser, longtime resident here, didn’t mince words today when asked about the renewed conflict in Yemen.

“It sounds serious,” said Moser. “So serious, in fact, that I’m strongly considering writing my Congressman, to demand that he google ‘Yemen’ and tell me where this place is.”

Across the nation, reports of continued clashes between the Houthi-led insurgents and the Saudi-backed government caused considerable alarm.

“If the insurgents keep moving north,” said Gladys Springwell, who teaches third grade at Oak Ridge Elementary here, “they’ll reach Indiana, and after that, Chicago must be next on their list.”

Opinion was divided as to what the American government should do next. 46% said “Obama should just bluff his way through the next press conference and pretend we know where this place is,” while 37% believed that “he should just fess up and ask a reporter to look it up on their phone.” As a less preferred option, 15% said the upcoming Republican presidential primary debates should be replaced with a Nickelodeon-style physical challenge, although this option might have garnered more support if it had actually been one of the options mentioned by the pollster.

Chicago residents were also worried about the nature of the insurgent forces. “I understand the Houthis are still a serious threat,” said Don Parlander, a paralegal at Rackham & Pitts, a prominent local law firm. “If he manages to get the Blowfish behind him, I don’t see how the government can withstand the attack.”

Parlander was not reassured by news that the Saudi-led forces had taken Aden. “I always said he should have been the one to end up with Carrie,” he explained.

We’re about 80% certain none of these countries are Yemen.

GOP criticizes Iran deal; proposes alternate plan in which “Iran’s nuclear capability magically disappears.”

15 Jul

WASHINGTON–shortly after news of the landmark nuclear deal with Iran broke yesterday, conservative Republicans were lining up to condemn it.
“This is a total surrender to Islam, and the terrorists, and Big Fluoride,” said Rep. (whomever). “Barack Obama–if that is his real name–just completely sold us out.”
As is usual in the nation’s capital, the Congressional leadership wasn’t simply going to criticize without a well-thought through alternative. Later in the afternoon, Speaker John Boehner (R–OH) unveiled the Republican plan to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear capability.

“Step one, we engage the United Nations and a wide range of responsible international stakeholders, listening to their views and treating them as equal partners in the process,” said Boehner, lightening the mood with his usual dry wit. “No, just kidding, of course.”

Boehner laid out a six-point plan to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons, of which the key step was point four, in which “Magical fairies cause all enriched uranium to disappear from Iran, and their nuclear facilities to turn into licorice castles.”

The other points mostly related to the GOP plan to bring back “Mad Men” for two more seasons, and also to increase the number of soups served in the Congressional cafeteria.

Boehner admitted that there were “a few details to be wrinkled out” before implementing the plan. “For example, how to handle Don Draper, what kinds of soup, where to get the magical fairies, and so on.” However, he expressed confidence that “good old American know-how” would carry the day.

Asked about a military option, Boehner pointed out that destroying Iran’s nuclear facilities without a ground invasion would be impossible, and that even the Republican Party has limited appetite to get involved in another large-scale war in the Middle East. “However, we’re still very interested in finding something easier and more fun to invade,” said Boehner. “If you have any ideas, let me know.”

He went on to suggest that perhaps the US Army could invade a small Latin American country, “like Guatemala or something,” right after they finish occupying West Texas as part of the Jade Helm exercise.

“Oops!” said Boehner after mentioning Jade Helm, clapping his hands to his mouth. “Was that my outer voice?”
Magical fairies are a “practical option” to remove Iran’s nuclear capability, said Boehner. “And they’re usually smokin’ hot,” he added.

Vladimir Putin wins Triple Crown

8 Jun

LEXINGTON, Ky.—in an amazing finale to American Pharoah’s victory in the Belmont Stakes, the “mystery jockey” who rode the horse in all three Triple Crown victories revealed himself to be none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“Yes, it is me,” said Putin, jumping lightly to the ground and benchpressing American Pharoah a few times. “I race to prove that Americans lack fortitude to win. Triple Crown is all in mind.”

For weeks, the media had speculated on the identity of American Pharoah’s jockey, who raced with his face concealed entirely in racing silks. A few journalists had speculated that it could be Putin, particularly after the wind ripped off the jockey’s shirt immediately before the start of all three races, but more common guesses included Alex Rodriguez, the policeman from the Village People, or Donald Trump. “You know, horse-racing types,” said one longtime veteran of the track.

Putin was circumspect about his future plans. “First, I return to Russia. Then, I absolutely-no-kidding do not send more—I mean any—troops into Ukraine. Then because Russia is not in any way isolated at present, I receive visits from major international leaders like President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe and Prime Minister Thongsing Thammavong of Laos, to sign big treaties. Then we see about more horse-racing.”


In retrospect, the sunglasses should not have fooled us.

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