Tag Archives: international

Heavy fighting in Yemen causes concerned Americans to wonder exactly where Yemen is

24 Jul

CHICAGO–Dick Moser, longtime resident here, didn’t mince words today when asked about the renewed conflict in Yemen.

“It sounds serious,” said Moser. “So serious, in fact, that I’m strongly considering writing my Congressman, to demand that he google ‘Yemen’ and tell me where this place is.”

Across the nation, reports of continued clashes between the Houthi-led insurgents and the Saudi-backed government caused considerable alarm.

“If the insurgents keep moving north,” said Gladys Springwell, who teaches third grade at Oak Ridge Elementary here, “they’ll reach Indiana, and after that, Chicago must be next on their list.”

Opinion was divided as to what the American government should do next. 46% said “Obama should just bluff his way through the next press conference and pretend we know where this place is,” while 37% believed that “he should just fess up and ask a reporter to look it up on their phone.” As a less preferred option, 15% said the upcoming Republican presidential primary debates should be replaced with a Nickelodeon-style physical challenge, although this option might have garnered more support if it had actually been one of the options mentioned by the pollster.

Chicago residents were also worried about the nature of the insurgent forces. “I understand the Houthis are still a serious threat,” said Don Parlander, a paralegal at Rackham & Pitts, a prominent local law firm. “If he manages to get the Blowfish behind him, I don’t see how the government can withstand the attack.”

Parlander was not reassured by news that the Saudi-led forces had taken Aden. “I always said he should have been the one to end up with Carrie,” he explained.

  
We’re about 80% certain none of these countries are Yemen.

GOP criticizes Iran deal; proposes alternate plan in which “Iran’s nuclear capability magically disappears.”

15 Jul

WASHINGTON–shortly after news of the landmark nuclear deal with Iran broke yesterday, conservative Republicans were lining up to condemn it.
“This is a total surrender to Islam, and the terrorists, and Big Fluoride,” said Rep. (whomever). “Barack Obama–if that is his real name–just completely sold us out.”
As is usual in the nation’s capital, the Congressional leadership wasn’t simply going to criticize without a well-thought through alternative. Later in the afternoon, Speaker John Boehner (R–OH) unveiled the Republican plan to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear capability.

“Step one, we engage the United Nations and a wide range of responsible international stakeholders, listening to their views and treating them as equal partners in the process,” said Boehner, lightening the mood with his usual dry wit. “No, just kidding, of course.”

Boehner laid out a six-point plan to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons, of which the key step was point four, in which “Magical fairies cause all enriched uranium to disappear from Iran, and their nuclear facilities to turn into licorice castles.”

The other points mostly related to the GOP plan to bring back “Mad Men” for two more seasons, and also to increase the number of soups served in the Congressional cafeteria.

Boehner admitted that there were “a few details to be wrinkled out” before implementing the plan. “For example, how to handle Don Draper, what kinds of soup, where to get the magical fairies, and so on.” However, he expressed confidence that “good old American know-how” would carry the day.

Asked about a military option, Boehner pointed out that destroying Iran’s nuclear facilities without a ground invasion would be impossible, and that even the Republican Party has limited appetite to get involved in another large-scale war in the Middle East. “However, we’re still very interested in finding something easier and more fun to invade,” said Boehner. “If you have any ideas, let me know.”

He went on to suggest that perhaps the US Army could invade a small Latin American country, “like Guatemala or something,” right after they finish occupying West Texas as part of the Jade Helm exercise.

“Oops!” said Boehner after mentioning Jade Helm, clapping his hands to his mouth. “Was that my outer voice?”
  
Magical fairies are a “practical option” to remove Iran’s nuclear capability, said Boehner. “And they’re usually smokin’ hot,” he added.

Vladimir Putin wins Triple Crown

8 Jun

LEXINGTON, Ky.—in an amazing finale to American Pharoah’s victory in the Belmont Stakes, the “mystery jockey” who rode the horse in all three Triple Crown victories revealed himself to be none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“Yes, it is me,” said Putin, jumping lightly to the ground and benchpressing American Pharoah a few times. “I race to prove that Americans lack fortitude to win. Triple Crown is all in mind.”

For weeks, the media had speculated on the identity of American Pharoah’s jockey, who raced with his face concealed entirely in racing silks. A few journalists had speculated that it could be Putin, particularly after the wind ripped off the jockey’s shirt immediately before the start of all three races, but more common guesses included Alex Rodriguez, the policeman from the Village People, or Donald Trump. “You know, horse-racing types,” said one longtime veteran of the track.

Putin was circumspect about his future plans. “First, I return to Russia. Then, I absolutely-no-kidding do not send more—I mean any—troops into Ukraine. Then because Russia is not in any way isolated at present, I receive visits from major international leaders like President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe and Prime Minister Thongsing Thammavong of Laos, to sign big treaties. Then we see about more horse-racing.”

vladimir-putin

In retrospect, the sunglasses should not have fooled us.

Sepp Blatter enters GOP primary; offers every Iowa caucusgoer $2.5 million

1 Jun

ZURICH—fresh off his re-election as head of FIFA, Sepp Blatter today announced that he was entering the Republican presidential primaries, promising a “new era of murkiness” and offering everyone who votes for him in the Iowa caucuses $2.5 million in cash.

“After my tremendous successes in cleaning up world soccer, the logical next step is to break the deadlock in Washington,” said Blatter at a hastily-called press conference here. “And what better way to do that than through paper bags of cash?”

Blatter, whose 17-year tenure as FIFA president has been accompanied by controversy and corruption, said that he expected to resolve all those problems “shortly” in order to free up his time to visit early-voting states. “The diners in New Hampshire, the Iowa state fair with all its curious fried foods—I will conquer them all,” said Blatter. “I expect to sweep to victory on the basis of my solid support among tiny, corrupt nations, who I would imagine must control a majority of these so-called caucuses.”

Blatter did not speculate on his plans for the general election yet. “First, I will defeat all of these Republicans,” he said. “Then, outer-space soccer. Then the general election. It is all no problem. I am a mountain goat.”

FIFA-boss-Sepp-Blatter
Each voter will receive a pile of money “about this wide,” according to Blatter.

Ireland approves same-sex marriage; Rick Santorum to “watch vigilantly” for signs of man-on-dog weddings

26 May

DUBLIN—after Ireland made history this weekend by approving same-sex marriage in a popular vote, former Sen. Rick Santorum (R—PA) said that he would “watch vigilantly” for signs that the change was leading to human-canine weddings.

Santorum, who won 11 states and 4 million votes in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries, has famously argued that same-sex marriage would lead to pedophilia and bestiality. “Ireland’s vote makes it imperative that God-fearing Americans monitor the country carefully to determine whether we are in fact seeing men marry children, dogs, horses, motorcycles, and so on,” said Santorum. “We all know this is just the beginning of a slippery slope.”

Santorum said that he had personal experience of the confusion that might result from Ireland’s decision. He explained that after a Pennsylvania court endorsed gay marriage in May 2014, he had almost married his Labrador retriever, Patches, due to “a significant error in paperwork.”

Santorum's advice to men: "If a dog tries to marry you, just pop it on the nose and run away."

Selfish refugees seek to steal European jobs, also not be murdered

22 May

ROME–as Europe’s refugee crisis continues with more boatloads of migrants making the risky crossing of the Mediterranean, many of the migrants admitted that they were headed over for primarily selfish reasons.

“All my life I’ve dreamed of living in poverty, cleaning toilets and being harrassed by police,” said Emrip Khan, who arrived in Sicily this week after fleeing the Libyan civil war with his three surviving children. “And in the EU, I can finally make that dream come true.”

A spokesman for the United Kingdom’s anti-immigrant party, UKIP, shared his indignation at the incoming waves of refugees. “They’re all a bunch of whiners,” said David Whitewurst. “It’s all don’t-let-me-be-killed-by-the-solders and my-children-are-starving. They should have thought about that when they were being born somewhere else, that’s what I say.”

European leaders held discussions this week on how to stem the flow of migrants without leaving them at the mercy of armed conflict in their home regions. Those discussions concluded after fifteen minutes, after which they started discussions on how to stem the flow of migrants.

“We are very concerned with the humanitarian crisis on the doorstep of Europe,” said Nils Muiznieks, Human Rights Commissioner for the Council of Europe. “We strongly prefer that humanitarian crises take place far away.”

  
A bunch of refugees just standing around doing nothing, instead of launching startups or mining Bitcoins

Angela Merkel tells lifestyle program she is expanding her living room; European armies go on highest alert

11 May

BERLIN—tensions in Europe unexpectedly climbed several notches over the weekend when German Chancellor Angela Merkel, being interviewed on a popular lifestyle show here, revealed that she was planning a home renovation to significantly increase the size of her living room.

“Wir brauchen mehr Lebensraum,” Merkel said to Sarah Kuttner, host of the popular program Wochenenden zu Hause.

Immediately the armies of Poland, Russia, Ukraine, and France went on highest alert. Belgium attempted to put its army on highest alert, but he was at the dentist and could not immediately be contacted.

After the program, Merkel attempted to calm the waters by reassuring other countries that nothing was imminent. “We would not plan to launch this for another month or two,” she explained. “If we went now, our vehicles could get bogged down in the mud, while if we wait, we can still finish before winter.”

angela-merkel
The situation only got worse when the Chancellor went on to talk about her vacation plans.

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