Tag Archives: iran

GOP criticizes Iran deal; proposes alternate plan in which “Iran’s nuclear capability magically disappears.”

15 Jul

WASHINGTON–shortly after news of the landmark nuclear deal with Iran broke yesterday, conservative Republicans were lining up to condemn it.
“This is a total surrender to Islam, and the terrorists, and Big Fluoride,” said Rep. (whomever). “Barack Obama–if that is his real name–just completely sold us out.”
As is usual in the nation’s capital, the Congressional leadership wasn’t simply going to criticize without a well-thought through alternative. Later in the afternoon, Speaker John Boehner (R–OH) unveiled the Republican plan to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear capability.

“Step one, we engage the United Nations and a wide range of responsible international stakeholders, listening to their views and treating them as equal partners in the process,” said Boehner, lightening the mood with his usual dry wit. “No, just kidding, of course.”

Boehner laid out a six-point plan to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons, of which the key step was point four, in which “Magical fairies cause all enriched uranium to disappear from Iran, and their nuclear facilities to turn into licorice castles.”

The other points mostly related to the GOP plan to bring back “Mad Men” for two more seasons, and also to increase the number of soups served in the Congressional cafeteria.

Boehner admitted that there were “a few details to be wrinkled out” before implementing the plan. “For example, how to handle Don Draper, what kinds of soup, where to get the magical fairies, and so on.” However, he expressed confidence that “good old American know-how” would carry the day.

Asked about a military option, Boehner pointed out that destroying Iran’s nuclear facilities without a ground invasion would be impossible, and that even the Republican Party has limited appetite to get involved in another large-scale war in the Middle East. “However, we’re still very interested in finding something easier and more fun to invade,” said Boehner. “If you have any ideas, let me know.”

He went on to suggest that perhaps the US Army could invade a small Latin American country, “like Guatemala or something,” right after they finish occupying West Texas as part of the Jade Helm exercise.

“Oops!” said Boehner after mentioning Jade Helm, clapping his hands to his mouth. “Was that my outer voice?”
Magical fairies are a “practical option” to remove Iran’s nuclear capability, said Boehner. “And they’re usually smokin’ hot,” he added.

Netanyahu demands tougher Iran nuclear deal, also seeks weight loss without diet or exercise

6 Apr

JERUSALEM—denouncing the US-Iranian nuclear accord as just a “Band-Aid solution,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today demanded a series of changes in the deal to make it more acceptable.

“First,” said Netanyahu, “the Iranian government must cease all nuclear activity, and have all its nuclear equipment taken away.\

“Second, the Iranian government must resign in disgrace and go into exile, and the Iranian people must be able to choose their government freely in democratic elections, and they must choose a center-right government that strongly supports Israel.

“Third, we must be given a realistic plan to lose thirty pounds in thirty days, without changing our diet or exercising.

“Lastly, I want a pony.”

When reporters asked Netanyahu what the Iranian government would receive in exchange for these concessions, he grinned, and in a dramatic gesture held up a fistful of 2-for-1 drink coupons at the Tel Aviv Chili’s. “Any more questions?”

The Israeli PM, moments after being told that snacks would not be served at the press conference

Iran rejects nuclear deal on the grounds it would prevent them from making nuclear bombs

12 Nov

GENEVA—talks to resolve the Iranian nuclear crisis collapsed yesterday when Iran withdrew, explaining that the proposed deal does not do enough “to make us a nuclear power.”

“We came here in good faith, ready to negotiate,” explained Hassan al-Khatief, lead negotiator in the six-party talks. “We were surprised and disappointed to learn that the so-called Western ‘compromise’ would not allow us to create nuclear weapons, now or in the future.”

Al-Khatief said that in exchange for an easing of sanctions, Iran had agreed to a wide range of concessions, including VIP seating for American officials at war commemorations, a signed photo of the Ayatollah Khomeini, and a full accounting of the country’s “secret dessert recipes,” but that there had been no response.

“They didn’t even want to talk about it,” lamented al-Khatief. “It was all just ‘uranium this’ and ‘centrifuge that.’ It almost felt like they didn’t want us to have nuclear weapons.”

US Secretary of State John Kerry denied that American policy was to keep Iran from gaining regional pre-eminence. “In fact, we’ve created tools that will help Iran tremendously,” he explained. “All Iranians need to do is go to our website and sign up.”

Obama works up nerve to call Iranian president; “went well” but not sure if he “LIKES me-likes me”

28 Sep

NEW YORK—after exchanging notes during fourth-period study hall earlier in the day, President Obama called President Hassan Rouhani of Iran yesterday. The two spoke for about fifteen minutes and agreed that they would stay in touch.

“Boy, is Barack relieved,” said Vice-President Joe Biden. “He’d been working his nerve up to do this all week, you know? And I was, like, just call him already. What’s the worst thing that can happen, aside from alienating Israel and creating chaos in the Middle East?”

Several of Obama’s aides gathered in the Oval Office to listen in on the call and dissect it afterwards.

“I mean, I think Hassan likes him, you know? I just don’t know if he LIKES-him-likes-him,” said Secretary of State John Kerry. “Afterwards, we spent a lot of time with Barack drafting text messages to send Hassan, but none of them had exactly the right tone, so we decided to just play it cool, you know?”

Towards the end of the call, sources report, Obama suggested that he and Rouhani could “maybe go to the mall some time, or, you know, thrash out a comprehensive monitoring program for uranium enrichment.” Rouhani was apparently encouraging but non-committal.

But, still, “this is a big step forward,” said Biden. “If Barack can get on the phone to Hassan, maybe eventually he’ll work his way up to calling someone really intimidating, like the House Republicans.”

At UN, Obama pledges “as much ineffectual diplomacy as it takes”

24 Sep

NEW YORK—in a masterful speech today at the opening of the United Nations General Assembly, President Obama promised that he would engage in “as much ineffectual diplomacy as it takes” to postpone “tough decisions” until after he leaves office.

“Let there be no confusion,” said Obama in stirring tones. “I will kick this can down the road for as long as there is road to kick down.”

For supporters, it was a return to the kind of bold oratory that marked his 2008 campaign, “brilliantly fused” with his timid approach to governing since.

“I’m just delighted that instead of half-hearted, empty words, we are back to Churchillian, inspiring, empty words,” gushed supporter Karen McAdams of Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Leaders from around the world were quick to support Obama’s proposals for “lengthy, futile talks” to resolve conflicts in Iran, Syria, and Israel/Palestine.

“The President has shown us a path that, hopefully, will let us all slink off the stage without any real accountability for sorting this mess out,” said re-elected Chancellor Angela Merkel. “This kind of leadership could really save our sausage,” she added, using one of the two hundred German words for sausage.

President Bashir Al-Assad of Syria was also pleased. “This is the kind of international cooperation I can live with,” he said, while discussing his plan to give up his chemical weapons by 2046.

Moderate wins Iranian presidency, presaging no change whatsoever

15 Jun

TEHRAN–in a repudiation of the old-guard theocracy, Iranians turned out in the millions to elect Hassan Rowhani as President, who promised to “take your hopes and dreams and fail to do anything constructive with them,” due to the essentially powerless nature of the Iranian presidency.

“This is a huge turning point for Iranian society,” said Hassem al-Ghabbar, an expert on Iran. “Rowhani now has only four years to disappoint the electorate with his inability to effect any kind of change.”

In Tehran, Rowhani’s supporters packed the streets, demanding change that will certainly be vetoed by a small clique of reactionary old men. Cries for sweeping changes to the political system were interspersed with more radical calls such as abolishing the theocratic regime, or even allowing people to watch television freely or dress as they like.

Rowhani himself was not shy about underlining the differences between himself and his predecessor, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. “At the end of my term, when I’ve been hopelessly undermined by the clerics and am completely powerless, I assure you–it will be for different reasons!” he shouted, as his supporters went wild.

In Washington, the White House’s reaction was muted. “I think we’ve learned our lesson about making any kind of meaningful policy statement about the Middle East,” said a spokesman.

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