Tag Archives: iraq

Brian Williams retracts story of losing both his legs to an IED in Iraq

9 Feb

WASHINGTON–as controversy swirls around Brian Williams’ story of being on a helicopter forced down by enemy fire in 2003, the news anchor today issued a second apology, saying that he had made a mistake when he claimed to have lost both his legs to an improvised explosive device in Iraq in 2005.

“I now realize that when I told people that my Humvee drove over an IED and it took both my legs off, I was actually conflating two different stories,” said Williams. “The first was when I accelerated out of the Safeway parking lot in my Honda Civic and hit a speed bump, and the second was when I bought a pair of pants on eBay and they turned out to be a little tight.”

“You can understand how this happened,” said Williams.

The admission came two days after NBC launched an investigation of Williams’ on-air claim to have lost both his legs in the IED attack, citing “credible evidence” that it might not be true.

Williams, currently on leave from his anchor role, was at press time standing by his accounts of his other experiences in the Middle East, including spending two years as an ISIS prisoner, only slipping out at nights to come back and go to work.

Iraqi detainees sharply criticize Senate torture report; say they were just “horsing around” with their “CIA buddies”

10 Dec

BAGHDAD–a group of former Iraqi and Afghan detainees angrily criticized the Senate report on CIA torture, saying it had made “our good times with CIA friends” look bad.

“The Senate clearly doesn’t understand what torture is,” said Jalal al-Yusuf, an elementary-school teacher who spent six months in Abu Ghraib prison after being confused with an insurgent with a similar name. “They look at a man with electrodes attached to his genitals and immediately think that something inappropriate is going on.”

Samar Hussein, a fruit seller who was spotted with a mobile phone in Sadr City in 2004 and spent three years locked up at a black site, was equally angry. “So I like to get naked and be hit with rubber hoses,” he said. “That’s a private thing between me and my good friend Jim Just Jim from Texas.”

“It was all just for fun, and our interrogators were clear that we could make it stop any time by using our safe word,” said Dr. Ihab Abed, who was picked up by police for looking unhappy during the short-lived Iraqi festival Dick Cheney Day. “My safe word was ‘Saddamplanned9/11’, for example.”

Fellow detainees Tarek Ayoub, Abdul Khader, and several others were unavailable for comment, because they were dead. A friend of Ayoub’s said “Sure, he died from asphyxiation under enhanced interrogation, but he could have died from asphyxiation sitting in a cafe, if the waiter had jumped on him and held a wet bag on his head. No one’s to blame.”

Leading Republicans and former members of the Bush administration also rejected the label of “torture,” noting that they hadn’t noticed anything amiss from their offices ten thousand miles away.

abu ghraib
Highly skilled interrogators build rapport with detainees through a fun team-building exercise.

NFL controversy deepens as Jacksonville Jaguars travel to Syria to fight for ISIS

13 Sep

NEW YORK–the NFL, already set by concerns over brain health and domestic violence, found its troubles growing today, as the entire roster of the Jacksonville Jaguars travelled to Syria this morning to fight for ISIS.

“Obviously, I’m as disappointed as anyone that the entire Jaguars organization has joined a murderous terrorist group,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “With a heavy heart, I am going to suspend the players involved for the next two games.”

The motivations for the Jaguars for joining the civil war in Syria and Iraq were not entirely clear. QB Chad Henne posted a video on YouTube of himself burning his passport and pledging that he would fight until the entire Middle East was ruled by a new caliphate, “at which point we look forward to coming back and delivering some great Jaguars football for our fans.”

The NFL owners, as a sign of their grave displeasure, announced that they would cut Goodell’s pay this year to no more than a million billion zillion dollars.

Obama promises Iraq intervention will be strictly limited to “bombing and fighting and, you know, whatever”

8 Aug

WASHINGTON–as President Obama ordered airstrikes in Iraq, he reassured a skeptical American public that he was not making an open-ended military commitment. Instead, he pledged that American intervention would be strictly limited in scope to “bombing, and maybe some fighting, and, you know, whatever sort of seems like a good idea at the time.” He also noted that he had put a non-negotiable time limit on military involvement, promising that it would last no longer than “a while, or until we win.”

The White House announcement immediately brought relief to worried citizens. “I was afraid this was the beginning of another quagmire,” said Tom Dallard of Sheboygan, WI. “But now I figure the worst case is a long, unproductive war.”

Republicans rallied behind the President, but their support came with warnings. “If we’re going into Iraq, we need to go in all the way,” said Sen. John McCain (R–AZ). “I expect that an invasion of Iraq will result in a lot of American soldiers being killed, so if we don’t invade, then we’ll be dishonoring their future sacrifice.”

Obama made a second announcement, hours later, in which he expressed confidence that the intervention in Iraq would be successful. “If history teaches us anything,” he said, “it’s that when we dabble in complex internal conflicts in faraway countries where we can’t really explain why we’re there, everything turns out just great.”

Maliki says Iraqi army is doing “a heckuva job”

23 Jun

BAGHDAD–as thousands of Iraqi army soldiers fled the battlefield, removing their uniforms and dropping their weapons, Prime Minister Maliki announced that the military was doing “a heckuva job.”

“I couldn’t be more pleased with how our men are performing,” said Maliki at a press conference here today. “Our battle plan is unfolding exactly as we’d hoped.”

Maliki insisted that the rapid collapse of several Iraqi army divisions was all part of an elaborate stratagem to make the militants “overconfident.” He also explained that soldiers removing their fatigues were just changing into the army’s new uniforms, which consist of civilian clothes “and a frightened expression.”

The PM insisted that the army would soon recover all the territory lost with minimal casualties.

Speaking from Texas, former President George Bush endorsed Maliki and noted that his “thoughts and prayers are with the Iraqi oil fields.”

US seeks to pacify Iraq by flooding it with weapons

26 Dec

BAGHDAD—seeking to reverse the recent increase in sectarian violence, the United States has recently launched a plan to pacify Iraq by making sophisticated and deadly weapons available to all sides.

“The peace in Iraq is fragile, and could be broken at any moment,” said Secretary of State John Kerry when asked about the program. “Obviously, the safest path forward is to ship a massive quantity of small arms, missiles, and drones to the Iraqi Army, which will then be in a position to distribute them to armed groups of all persuasions.”

Sources close to the White House confirm that the program was inspired by the “tremendous success” of America’s domestic gun-control policy, which has “conclusively proved” that most violence is caused by insufficient access to weapons.

“Right now, only the bad guys are armed, and also most males aged fourteen and above,” explained Kerry. “We figure that if everyone has a Hellfire missile or two up their sleeves, the terrorists will think twice before launching a suicide attack.”

The news was broken by the New York Times, which later reported a “critical breakdown in our irony-detection algorithms” when editing its story.

O.J. Simpson acquitted of giving thousands of secret documents to Julian Assange; vows to find “the real leakers”

31 Jul

CARSON CITY, Nevada—O. J. Simpson today celebrated a legal victory here when a Nevada state judge ruled that he was not guilty of aiding and abetting the enemy when he shared hundreds of thousands of confidential documents with WikiLeaks in 2010.

“This is terrific news,” said Simpson in a brief statement immediately after his acquittal. “With this legal battle behind me, I can now get on with my life’s mission: finding the real leakers.”

At the trial, Simpson’s lawyers described him as a “naïve idealist” who had joined the Army in the hopes of getting a better education, only to be disillusioned in his time there. While serving as an intelligence analyst in the Army, he rushed for a record-setting 2,003 yards in one season, including a then-record 273 yards in one battle against the Ramadi All-Stars.

Despite his recent acquittal, Simpson remains in prison for another crime, a 2007 robbery in which he attempted to steal sports memorabilia in order to give it to al-Qaeda.

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