Tag Archives: irs

Apple dodged billions in taxes; IRS spotted evasion after children held tea party on campus

21 May

CUPERTINO—According to the Senate and the IRS, Apple Inc. has avoided paying billions in corporate taxes through a complex web of offshore entities. The IRS quickly spotted the alleged tax evasion after Take Your Daughter to Work Day, when seven-year-old Stacy Milgram held a tea party for the dolls of visiting girls.

“As soon as we saw there was a tea party on campus—boom!” said Former Acting Commissioner Steven Miller, making an explosion gesture with his hands. “Our computers picked it up right away.”

IRS examiners immediately descended on the Cupertino campus, where they took the dolls in for questioning. They also detained a software engineer who was found with a copy of the Tom Clancy novel Patriot Games.

“I think we’ve got everything we came here for,” said Ex-Acting-Commissioner Miller at a press conference held at Apple headquarters. When asked about a large sign behind him pointing towards something called “Apple Secret Tax Evasion Department,” Miller was noncommittal, pointing out that it was probably just some bureaucratic naming convention, and that the IRS lacked the manpower to follow up every little lead that came in.

A Senate panel was due to question Apple CEO Tim Cook today, during which senators were expected to press Cook on how exactly to connect iPhones to their office WiFi.

GOP charges that FBI disproportionately targeted criminals for investigation

14 May

WASHINGTON—pressure mounted on the White House today as Republican leaders levelled charges that the FBI had “unfairly focused” its efforts on known criminal groups.

“I’m disgusted that the FBI would single out these hard-working, non-law-abiding citizens for scrutiny,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R—Texas). Cruz went on to paint a vivid picture of “jack-booted men with guns breaking down doors” simply because dangerous fugitives happened to be inside.

The accusation follows the news that the IRS investigated small nonprofit groups with “Tea Party” or “Patriot” in their titles, a move which President Obama has called “exactly the sort of dirty, business-as-usual politics that Democrats would like me to be much better at.”

While the controversy continues to simmer, a bipartisan group of senators proposed a solution under which the FBI and IRS would investigate each other, and the nonprofits would receive complimentary tinfoil hats.

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