Tag Archives: isis

Brian Williams retracts story of losing both his legs to an IED in Iraq

9 Feb

WASHINGTON–as controversy swirls around Brian Williams’ story of being on a helicopter forced down by enemy fire in 2003, the news anchor today issued a second apology, saying that he had made a mistake when he claimed to have lost both his legs to an improvised explosive device in Iraq in 2005.

“I now realize that when I told people that my Humvee drove over an IED and it took both my legs off, I was actually conflating two different stories,” said Williams. “The first was when I accelerated out of the Safeway parking lot in my Honda Civic and hit a speed bump, and the second was when I bought a pair of pants on eBay and they turned out to be a little tight.”

“You can understand how this happened,” said Williams.

The admission came two days after NBC launched an investigation of Williams’ on-air claim to have lost both his legs in the IED attack, citing “credible evidence” that it might not be true.

Williams, currently on leave from his anchor role, was at press time standing by his accounts of his other experiences in the Middle East, including spending two years as an ISIS prisoner, only slipping out at nights to come back and go to work.

Australian PM super-excited to have his own terrorist threat

11 Oct

CANBERRA–Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott today announced that “after years of trying to whip one up,” his government had finally managed to find a homegrown terrorist threat.

“I’m pleased to announce that Australia now has a genuine Islamic terrorist threat,” said Abbott, smiling from ear to ear at a press conference. “I’d like to thank my team for their years of dedicated race-baiting, which has made today’s announcement possible.”

Abbott announced that Australian federal police had launched a series of pre-dawn raids in order to detain several young men who “had made vague statements about doing bad stuff online.” He noted that “they looked pretty shady and ethnic and stuff.”

Although he did not comment on the specific nature of the threats, Abbott did note that “once guys in their early 20s start talking to their mates about doing something, precise coordinated action can’t be far behind.” A source close to the investigation revealed that in a chat room one of the arrested men had commented on ISIS and said “we should totally do something, you know?”, which caused the entire government to go on high alert.

Prosecutors said that the arrested men would be tried for violating laws that were due to be written any day now.

“My government takes terrorism extremely seriously,” said Tony Abbott. “That’s why we have decided to start violating civil liberties, publicizing trivial incidents, and making hostile comments about religions and ethnicities, so that we can have more of it to fight.”

IMG_3642.JPGWe’ve got a terrorist threat this big

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