Tag Archives: israel

Netanyahu demands tougher Iran nuclear deal, also seeks weight loss without diet or exercise

6 Apr

JERUSALEM—denouncing the US-Iranian nuclear accord as just a “Band-Aid solution,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today demanded a series of changes in the deal to make it more acceptable.

“First,” said Netanyahu, “the Iranian government must cease all nuclear activity, and have all its nuclear equipment taken away.\

“Second, the Iranian government must resign in disgrace and go into exile, and the Iranian people must be able to choose their government freely in democratic elections, and they must choose a center-right government that strongly supports Israel.

“Third, we must be given a realistic plan to lose thirty pounds in thirty days, without changing our diet or exercising.

“Lastly, I want a pony.”

When reporters asked Netanyahu what the Iranian government would receive in exchange for these concessions, he grinned, and in a dramatic gesture held up a fistful of 2-for-1 drink coupons at the Tel Aviv Chili’s. “Any more questions?”

The Israeli PM, moments after being told that snacks would not be served at the press conference

At UN, Obama pledges “as much ineffectual diplomacy as it takes”

24 Sep

NEW YORK—in a masterful speech today at the opening of the United Nations General Assembly, President Obama promised that he would engage in “as much ineffectual diplomacy as it takes” to postpone “tough decisions” until after he leaves office.

“Let there be no confusion,” said Obama in stirring tones. “I will kick this can down the road for as long as there is road to kick down.”

For supporters, it was a return to the kind of bold oratory that marked his 2008 campaign, “brilliantly fused” with his timid approach to governing since.

“I’m just delighted that instead of half-hearted, empty words, we are back to Churchillian, inspiring, empty words,” gushed supporter Karen McAdams of Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Leaders from around the world were quick to support Obama’s proposals for “lengthy, futile talks” to resolve conflicts in Iran, Syria, and Israel/Palestine.

“The President has shown us a path that, hopefully, will let us all slink off the stage without any real accountability for sorting this mess out,” said re-elected Chancellor Angela Merkel. “This kind of leadership could really save our sausage,” she added, using one of the two hundred German words for sausage.

President Bashir Al-Assad of Syria was also pleased. “This is the kind of international cooperation I can live with,” he said, while discussing his plan to give up his chemical weapons by 2046.

John Kerry accidentally forges historic compromises on Syria chemical weapons, Israeli-Palestinian peace, international financial architecture.

10 Sep

WASHINGTON—an exhausted John Kerry, speaking to reporters in London on Monday, made a random comment about Syrian chemical weapons that may be leading to a historic arms deal. Shortly afterwards, misreading a prepared text, he laid out an innovative approach to an Israeli-Palestinian land-for-peace deal that is now advancing quickly towards completion, and then, dropping his BlackBerry, he mistakenly sent an email that has broken the gridlock on global financial regulation.

“I don’t know what to say,” said Kerry, speaking before the Senate yesterday. “Obviously.”

On Monday, Kerry’s off-the-cuff remark in London about Damascus giving up weapons was seized upon by the Russians and the French. Sources close to the State Department said that immediately afterwards Kerry, instead of proposing that the “Sinai compromise” be used as a basis for the establishment of a Palestinian state, said “Sydney compromise,” which has led to a draft agreement under which representatives from both sides would be allowed unlimited vacation time in Australia in exchange for reaching a deal. He then mistakenly sent an email reading “11%c” to the heads of the ECB and IMF, signalling a potential compromise that international financial institutions could be required to raise their capital levels to 11%, paving the way for a global regulatory accord.

Trying to build on current momentum, Kerry has now hired an infinite number of monkeys, according to staffers, who will be given typewriters to compose official diplomatic cables. “Something good has to come of it,” said a source close to Kerry.

Palestinian Authority Prime Minister resigns, possibly complicating otherwise straightforward peace process

14 Apr

JERUSALEM–the resignation of Salam Fayyad, the respected Prime Minister of the Palestinian Authority, has observers worried that the Israeli-Palestinian peace process might be made more complicated or even slightly slowed down.

“I mean, here we are, with Middle Eastern peace practically all worked out, and then we hit a little speed bump,” said Secretary of State John Kerry. “I mean, I’m sure the Authority won’t miss a beat, but I’m mildly concerned that this could set us back a week or two.”

On the ground, local residents seemed more concerned that the resignation could disrupt the Authority’s legendarily efficient and effective public services. “I’m sure the peace process will stay on track,” said Gaza shopkeeper Wasif Jawhariyyeh. “I’m more worried that there might be slight delays at border crossings, or maybe some hold time when I call 311.”

Still, experts agreed that the most likely outcome was no disruption whatsoever. “If there’s one thing we’ve learned over the past twenty years, it’s that the Israeli-Palestinian peace process is incredibly durable,” said Kerry. “It’s hard to imagine anything that could knock it off track at this point.”

After peace is concluded, most politicians expect that the United States will be able to turn its attention to Iran. Hopes grew for a peaceful solution to the current standoff when KPMG announced that it had been appointed to audit Teheran’s nuclear program.

Intervening forcefully in Middle Eastern violence, Obama pardons turkey from Israel-Gaza border

22 Nov

WASHINGTON—stung by criticism that he has not done enough in response to the outbreak of violence in Gaza and southern Israel, but also needing to commemorate Thanksgiving, President Obama today announced that he was “preventing more bloodshed” by pardoning a turkey from the troubled region.

“America supports peace throughout the world, and will always use every means at its disposal to curtail violence,” said Obama in a Rose Garden address. “I am therefore using the full powers of the Presidency to ensure that cute little Khaled Sharon here, who grew up on the Israeli-Gaza border, lives a long and full life in a petting zoo.” The president always pardons a turkey on Thanksgiving, a tradition stretching back decades, but until this year it had always been domestic.

While some foreign-policy experts questioned whether pardoning a bird was really a sufficient response to the ongoing violence, most pundits agreed that Obama’s move had been politically shrewd.

“The Middle Eastern conflict is highly complex and extremely difficult to resolve,” said Anne-Marie Slaughter, Bert G. Kerstetter University Professor of Politics and International Affairs at Princeton University. “Aside from a cheap gesture like this one, his only other attractive option was to give Hamas aid in order to build something large which we could then bomb.” Dean Slaughter went on to add that she would probably be quoted more often if she had a shorter title.

The President’s gesture was received with cautious optimism by both Hamas and the Israeli government. “I welcome America’s engagement in this conflict, as no one has been more supportive of President Obama than I,” said Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Although apparently my evil identical twin said some pretty nasty things in the run-up to the election.”

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