Tag Archives: japan

Mt. Gox finds 200,000 of the missing Bitcoins in its sock drawer

22 Mar

TOKYO–Mark Karpeles, chief executive of the bankrupt Bitcoin exchange Mt. Gox, confirmed yesterday that he had found 200,000 of the 750,000 Bitcoins that mysteriously disappeared last month.

“I could have sworn I’d looked in that drawer, like, ten times already,” said Karpeles at a press conference here. “But somehow they were right there, next to a pile of old batteries.”

Karpeles’ mother, Gladys, interrupted the press conference at this point to observe that her son was sometimes a “knucklehead” and that she wouldn’t be surprised if the rest of the Bitcoins were “down in the basement with his old Dungeons and Dragons cards.”

“Mom, please, those cards are from Magic: the Gathering, and they’re really valuable,” said Karpeles. “Please stop embarrassing me.”

Rival Bitcoin exchanges cited the discovery of further proof that Mt. Gox had been run in an amateur fashion. “Nothing like our fully professional operation here,” said David Dryden, CEO of BitChange, standing in front of BitChange’s global headquarters in the band room, where he was meeting his executive team before gym class.

Fukushima nuclear plant “perfectly safe” after glitch; residents advised to hide in anti-mutant-lizard bunkers

19 Mar

TOKYO–one day after a blackout took the cooling systems offline, the nuclear plant at Fukushima remains “perfectly safe,” according to one official who was devoured by an enormous, angry lizard-man during a press conference here today.

“Even if a very slight radiation leak were to occur, there is no way that–AAGH!” said spokesman Masayuki Ono. As the giant lizard devoured him, he explained that minor hiccups in operational and safety systems would have “no impact” on local communities.

Prime Minister Shinzo Abe called for calm in a televised statement made in a secret bunker six hundred feet below the surface. Surrounded by scientists working in a last-ditch effort to create an anti-mutation ray, or at least find a secret island where a select group of humans could rebuild civilization, he explained that “there is absolutely no cause for alarm whatsoever” over the latest minor malfunction.

As a precautionary measure, elderly citizens were advised to boil their water, and all survivors were told to flee cities with whatever weapons they could find and dig holes to hide from any giant lizards, moths, or turtles. “Just to be on the safe side,” said Abe, as he boarded a rocket ship that will take him to a secret colony of survivors in orbit around the moon.

Shares of Tepco, the Japanese utility that owns Fukushima, were down 2.6% at 3pm local time, at which point the Tokyo Stock Exchange was destroyed by Japanese fighter-bombers seeking to destroy a colony of radiation-enhanced ant-men nesting there.

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