Tag Archives: jeb bush

Jeb Bush still can’t believe he overslept and missed the debate

18 Sep

TALLAHASSEE, Florida—almost two days after he was supposed to participate in the second Republican primary debate, Jeb Bush is still “just sick” over forgetting to set an alarm and sleeping through the start time, sources close to the campaign report.

“Jeb is just so angry at himself,” said one advisor, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’d been up all night rehearsing his ‘zingers,’ and so he decided he’d just have a quick power nap before it was time to head over to the venue, and then he got mixed up and thought he had set the alarm on his iPhone for 6pm, but actually he set the countdown timer for six hours, you know? It could have happened to anyone.”

Quick-aides were able to find a body double on short notice, a friendly math teacher named Henry, to stand in Gov. Bush’s place on stage. Henry was given the green light to try to get involved in the debate, but after two enormous gaffes—-claiming George W. Bush “kept us safe” and suggesting Margaret Thatcher could be on the ten-dollar bill—aides in the audience held up a sign telling him to be quiet.

“It’s just one of those things,” said another campaign advisor. “And it’s really annoying, because Jeb was all set to take this one by storm. He was going to dominate.”

With Bush absent from the debate, Carly Fiorina was widely viewed as the winner, on the basis of having no political experience, but not being Donald Trump or Ben Carson.


Jeb Bush whipping the crowd up into a frenzy during debate rehearsal.

Jeb Bush enters presidential race; withdraws 45 minutes later, citing weak support

15 Jun

TALLAHASSEE–promising to “lead America to a brighter future,” former Gov. Jeb Bush (R–FL) today entered the race for the 2016 Republican nomination. After a tumultuous afternoon that saw difficulties raising funds, bad press, and several difficult interviews, he then announced his withdrawal from the race, saying that “while the road has been hard, we have gotten our message across,” and pledging to support the party in November.

Bush’s exit came as no surprise to pundits, many of whom had noted that the campaign had struggled to gain traction in recent weeks. “He wasn’t getting the support he needed,” said former Speaker Newt Gingrinch, “and we all knew it was just a matter of time until he pulled out. I was pleased to be able to watch almost an entire episode of True Detective before I had to switch back to his concession speech.”

Bush blamed his campaign’s failure on a number of factors, but cited one issue in particular that he had been unable to surmount. “At the end of the day, it turned out that no one really wanted me to be president,” he said, in a judgment that will be hard to dispute.

Bush’s exit may clear the way for other candidates to gain more attention, such as former Gov. Rick Perry (R–TX), who sources say will roll out a new slogan tomorrow, “Still not convicted of any felonies.”

 Jeb Bush looking reflective after conceding defeat in his bid for the Republican nomination. 

Jeb Bush identifies as Hispanic on voter registration form; immediately deports self

7 Apr

TALLAHASSEE—Jeb Bush, who admitted yesterday that he had mistakenly identified himself as Hispanic on a 2009 voter-registration form, today announced that he was making good on his campaign platform and immediately deporting himself.

“Me refiero a lo que digo, y digo lo que quiero decir,” said Bush at a hastily called press conference in Matamoros, Mexico, where he unceremoniously dumped himself shortly after 6am this morning. “Tenemos demasiados los hispanos en los Estados Unidos ya , y yo vamos a hacer nada en mi poder para reducir su número.”

“Aunque me reservo el derecho de modificar mi posición después de la elección primaria,” he added.

Bush immediately gained six points in a Fox News/Tinfoil Hat poll of likely Republican primary voters.

“This is the kind of gutsy leadership we need,” said Bill O’Reilly later in the morning. “Here you have a guy who hasn’t had a job in eight years and who wants the federal government to fund his lifestyle going forward—deportation doesn’t get clearer than that. And extra points for having the guts to kick out a US citizen who has every legal right to be here.”

The scandal has also swept up fellow Republican Rand Paul, who apparently affirmed in a 2011 voter-registration form that he was of “sound mind” and able to exercise the vote responsibly.

Jeb Bush
“Por lo menos me acordé de votar ese año , a diferencia de 2008”

Huckabee campaign fires aide for insufficiently racist remarks

12 Feb

LITTLE ROCK–citing “a disappointing pattern of poor judgment,” former Gov. Mike Huckabee (R–AR)’s presidential campaign today fired chief technology officer Clark Willson for making insufficiently racist and misogynistic comments on social media.

“Governor Huckabee expects all of his staff to stay on message with coded racist comments and disparaging remarks about women,” said a spokesman. “It’s disappointing that one employee failed to follow our precepts and use phrases like ‘those people’ and ‘our kind,’ or to praise ‘traditional women’ in speeches.”

After party activists discovered the inclusive, non-judgmental language on Willson’s blog, he attempted to go back and add derogatory statements about African-Americans, gays, and professional women, but it was not enough to save his job.

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