Tag Archives: john boehner

House GOP re-elects Boehner as speaker, just ahead of Kid Rock and the guy from that Geico commercial

4 Jan

WASHINGTON–the 113th Congress got underway today, with the Republican majority narrowly re-electing John Boehner as speaker.¬†Boehner received two votes, narrowly edging out 231 other candidates who received one vote each.

“I am pleased to see that my personal leadership still commands widespread support among House Republicans,” said John Boehner. “The so-called experts who thought I couldn’t win in a field composed of dead guys, fictitious characters, and amusing puns have been proven wrong.”

Among the most heavily promoted candidates were Kid Rock, who polls have shown is the only Republican in the entire country with a net favorable rating, Ayn Rand, and the guy from the Geico commercial who smashes watermelons with a sledgehammer. “That’s exactly the kind of reasoned leadership we’ve come to expect from Congressional Republicans,” said one supporter of Gallagher, the Geico commercial guy. All fell short, however, as the Republican vote fractured badly, both because of strong internal political divisions as well as notoriously poor spelling among many newly elected Representatives.

“I must have handed out five hundred business cards,” said Eric Cantor, “but the guys kept taping them over the television screen to block out the image of Jon Stewart.” In the end, Cantor received one vote, tying for second with Eric Kantor, Erik Cantor, Erik Anteater, and “that guy with the dreamy high forehead.”

Surprisingly, “Mickey Mouse,” a longtime favorite of non-voters, received only one vote. Mouse, seen as a hot favorite early in the contest, lost support when thousands of photos surfaced on the internet in which he was wearing only high-waisted red shorts with white buttons and no shirt. “We don’t need an Anthony Weiner moment of our own,” said Rep. Thomas Massie (R–Ken.). Massie said that he had voted for Chief Casey Ryback, the ex-SEAL played by Steven Seagal in the movies Under Seige and Under Seige 2: Dark Territory. “That guy is totally awesome,” said Rep. Massie.

Defying critics, Washington achieves historic feat of kicking the can down the road for a few months

2 Jan

WASHINGTON–after protracted negotiations over the looming fiscal cliff, the White House and Congress came together at the eleventh hour to forge a historic compromise, in which the problem is temporarily patched over so that it can be ignored for several weeks.

“The American people sent a clear message that they want the government to do more than just bicker,” said President Obama. “With this agreement, we’ve shown that we can also stick our heads in the sand.” The president went on to say that he considers the stopgap arrangement “one of the signature moments of this administration,” and he looks forward to another such signature moment in March or so.

Republicans were equally proud. “This agreement shows that nothing is more important than America’s future,” said Speaker John Boehner. “Except, of course, for transient political advantage, our fears of a Tea Party primary challenge, the opportunity to generate cheap publicity, and that funny feeling in my stomach I get whenever I catch Eric Cantor looking at me. Nothing else.”

Under the terms of the deal, taxes will rise on high-income families, except for those residing in Iowa, New Hampshire, or general-election swing states, as well as major-party donors and Gerard Depardieu. Any remaining revenue gap will be filled by magical fairies. The deal also calls for massive spending cuts, which will be specified later, although defense, non-defense discretionary, and non-discretionary spending are all excluded from future cuts.

If no overarching budget deal can be reached in March, the current agreement calls for a “super fiscal cliff,” under which the entire United States will be sold to China in exchange for twenty-four dollars and a fortune cookie with the country’s lucky numbers printed on the back. “I’m sure there’s no way we’d be so irresponsible as to fail to strike a deal, with that hanging over our heads,” said Boehner, repeating his words from earlier in the year.

America’s leaders plan rockin’ New Year’s Eve party; fiscal cliff will have to wait

28 Dec

WASHINGTON–after lengthy negotiations, the White House and the Republican congressional leadership came together today to announce a bipartisan agreement to throw a “totally awesome” New Year’s Eve party.

“I am pleased to announce that we have been able to rise above everyday political divisions to come together on this important issue,” said President Obama, appearing at a joint press conference with John Boehner. “We have today the outlines of a plan that will cover the location, start time, and refreshments for what promises to be the best bipartisan New Year’s Eve in our country’s history.” In response to a question from the press, Obama added, “we haven’t really dealt with that fiscal cliff thing. Maybe in January or something.”

Added Speaker Boehner, “today we address you not as representatives of the Republican Party or the Democratic Party, but of a totally awesome party that everyone is invited to.” Boehner added that his parents were out of town for the weekend and “we can have it at my place. Totally stoked.” Later in the press conference, the Speaker noted that he hadn’t really given any thought to the December 31 deadline to avoid going off the fiscal cliff. “Thanks for ruining the mood,” he snapped at one reporter who asked whether a great party was really a higher priority than avoiding economically crippling tax increases and spending cuts.

Some important details remain to be worked out, such as theme and whether beer will be served in kegs or in cans, but both sides said they were confident an agreement could be reached.

As for the fiscal cliff, the president vowed to put all his energies into it “after we’ve cleaned up from the party, and I’ve finished my vacation, and I’m probably going to need a haircut pretty soon, too.”

Boehner unveils “Plan G” for fiscal cliff; relies on bake sales, car washes

22 Dec

WASHINGTON–fresh off the defeat of his “Plan B” to resolve the fiscal crisis, and following abortive attempts at Plans C, D, E, and F, John Boehner today revealed his latest roadmap for a balanced budget.

At the heart of Boehner’s Plan G is an ambitious bid to remake the Federal Government’s entire revenue structure, moving from reliance on taxes to heavier use of bake sales, car washes, and fundraising carnivals. “My forecasts show we can raise over ten billion dollars just from the Eric Cantor dunk tank,” explained Boehner in a press conference this morning. “And don’t even get me started about the Michelle Bachmann cream-pie toss.”

While some economists questioned whether the trillion-dollar deficit could be closed relying solely on Rice Krispie treats and volunteer dog-walking, political experts were uniformly impressed.

“He’s got a winner,” admitted left-wing pundit Michael Moore. “Americans are always looking to get something for nothing. Not only do we close the fiscal gap without any sacrifices, but the public gets to enjoy some delicious Max Baucus brownies.” Moore started to say something else, but then saw the transcript in which Boehner mentioned the Bachmann pie toss. “Excuse me,” he said, getting up hastily.

Although confidence among the GOP is high, Boehner is rumored to have a Plan H in reserve, just in case some small fiscal gap remains. “I can’t tell you very much,” said a senior aide to the Speaker. “But let’s just say that Powerball isn’t just for individuals any more.” And just in case that plan fails, the aide explained, “we still have Mitt Romney’s ‘unspecified other cuts’ to work with.”

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