Tag Archives: John Kerry

US seeks to pacify Iraq by flooding it with weapons

26 Dec

BAGHDAD—seeking to reverse the recent increase in sectarian violence, the United States has recently launched a plan to pacify Iraq by making sophisticated and deadly weapons available to all sides.

“The peace in Iraq is fragile, and could be broken at any moment,” said Secretary of State John Kerry when asked about the program. “Obviously, the safest path forward is to ship a massive quantity of small arms, missiles, and drones to the Iraqi Army, which will then be in a position to distribute them to armed groups of all persuasions.”

Sources close to the White House confirm that the program was inspired by the “tremendous success” of America’s domestic gun-control policy, which has “conclusively proved” that most violence is caused by insufficient access to weapons.

“Right now, only the bad guys are armed, and also most males aged fourteen and above,” explained Kerry. “We figure that if everyone has a Hellfire missile or two up their sleeves, the terrorists will think twice before launching a suicide attack.”

The news was broken by the New York Times, which later reported a “critical breakdown in our irony-detection algorithms” when editing its story.

Iran rejects nuclear deal on the grounds it would prevent them from making nuclear bombs

12 Nov

GENEVA—talks to resolve the Iranian nuclear crisis collapsed yesterday when Iran withdrew, explaining that the proposed deal does not do enough “to make us a nuclear power.”

“We came here in good faith, ready to negotiate,” explained Hassan al-Khatief, lead negotiator in the six-party talks. “We were surprised and disappointed to learn that the so-called Western ‘compromise’ would not allow us to create nuclear weapons, now or in the future.”

Al-Khatief said that in exchange for an easing of sanctions, Iran had agreed to a wide range of concessions, including VIP seating for American officials at war commemorations, a signed photo of the Ayatollah Khomeini, and a full accounting of the country’s “secret dessert recipes,” but that there had been no response.

“They didn’t even want to talk about it,” lamented al-Khatief. “It was all just ‘uranium this’ and ‘centrifuge that.’ It almost felt like they didn’t want us to have nuclear weapons.”

US Secretary of State John Kerry denied that American policy was to keep Iran from gaining regional pre-eminence. “In fact, we’ve created tools that will help Iran tremendously,” he explained. “All Iranians need to do is go to our website and sign up.”

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