Tag Archives: justice

Oklahoma botches traditional Thanksgiving Day turkey execution

27 Nov

OKLAHOMA CITY–in a feel-good moment gone wrong, local officials here today badly botched the state’s traditional Thanksgiving execution of a condemned turkey, leading to a grim scene of “flapping and squawking” at the State Kitchen today.

“Stuff happens,” said Gov. Mary Fallin (R), “We shouldn’t let one little setback disrupt our quest to find new and innovative ways of killing things.”

According to the state chef’s official inquiry, the condemned turkey seemed to be conscious for a “considerable period of time” after it was supposed to be sedated. The state’s “lethal cocktail” for turkeys consists of cutting each bird’s head off and refrigerating it for up to a week; the report said it was unclear why this “normally reliable” method had failed in this instance.

The turkey’s identity was not released. In a bid to stave off criticism, however, Gov. Fallin noted that it had been convicted of a 1987 convenience-store robbery on the basis of “highly reliable” eyewitness testimony.

Shocking photo taken minutes after the botched attempt

Oklahoma authorities find that executing people isn’t as fun as it sounds

30 Apr

McAlester, OK—a few hours after the badly botched execution of Clayton Lockett, politicians in Oklahoma admitted that killing people “just isn’t as fun as we thought it would be.”

“Look, it always sounded great when I said it in campaign commercials,” said Gov. Mary Fallin (R). “But when you actually watch the video, it turns out that watching a man strapped to a gurney dying in horrible pain isn’t as cute or as funny as you think it’s going to be.”

The Tuesday evening execution was bungled through a combination of inexperienced doctors and untried drug combinations, both stemming from a surprising reluctance from members of the health-care community to kill people. As a result, Lockett regained consciousness after receiving the lethal injection and began straining against his bonds.

The current state execution protocol calls for “barbiturates, or downers, or whatever we can find at the local pharmacy, or maybe just a whole lot of aspirin.” Dave Weston, chairman of the Oklahoma Republican Party, suggested that it be replaced by a process by which convicted criminals “just magically disappear into space.”

In wake of Zimmerman controversy, Florida to institute strict license-and-limit regime for killing black youth

15 Jul

TALLAHASSEE–reacting to criticism following the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the death of Trayvon Martin, Florida today announced that it would institute a strict requirement that all neighborhood vigilantes have a license before killing black teenagers, and that there would be a strict season limit of three regular teenagers or five suspicious ones.

“This tragedy has underlined the need to strictly regulate the killing of African-Americans in our state,” said House Speaker Will Weatherford. “If these rules had been in place a year ago, Trayvon Martin would still be alive, unless George Zimmerman had filled out an application and paid a $35 fee.”

The permits will be issued by the newly renamed Florida Department of Fish, Wildlife, and Civil Rights, and will come with an instant voting-background check.

“I think we can all agree that these commonsense rules will help prevent a lot of confusion,” said presidential hopeful Sen. Marco Rubio (R—Fla). “I encourage residents of this great state to ensure their permits are in order, preferably before the next election rolls around.”

GOP statement on Zimmerman verdict: “Thank God it is still legal to shoot black people in America.”

14 Jul

SANFORD, Florida—minutes after George Zimmerman was acquitted of murdering Trayvon Martin, the Republican Party issued a statement celebrating the fact that “our Second Amendment right to stalk and kill black people is still intact.”

“Did George Zimmerman shoot that Negro boy? Sure, he did,” said former Rep. Connie Mack IV. “What is that, illegal?” Mack went on to point out that because of the “liberal media,” Zimmerman had been without his “favorite gun” for months now.

RNC chairman Reince Priebus, answering questions at a press conference, noted that a guilty verdict would have “raised the specter of white people across the country going to jail just for shooting blacks.” Added Priebus, “if the courts can criminalize killing someone like this Martin kid, what’s next? Allowing unfettered access to the ballot box? Legalized interracial dating?”

Members of the jury, in post-trial interviews, explained that they believed Zimmerman had acted in self-defense. “I mean, what was he supposed to do in that situation?” said one juror. “Not follow Martin, get out of the car, start yelling at him, and then pull the trigger?”

If he had been convicted of first-degree murder, under Florida law, Zimmerman would have faced thirty days in jail, a $500 fine, or both.

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