Tag Archives: Kentucky

Noted libertarian entertainer RuPaul launches campaign for Republican presidential nomination

9 Apr

NEW YORK—in a surprising move, famous drag queen RuPaul announced on Tuesday that he was entering the Republican primary, becoming the second declared candidate after Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX).

RuPaul, the Tea Party darling, is noted for his outspoken small-government views, isolationist foreign policy, and longstanding career in drag, announced that “this is not a campaign for me, but for all Americans who feel oppressed by the long arm of government, who just want to live their lives alone, holed up in their bunkers with their dog, guns, and canned food.”

While many had expected Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) to enter the race, RuPaul explained that “Rand and I talked it over, and we both agreed that I’m a lot more in the mainstream than he is.”

Libertarian supporters noted that they felt “more confident than ever,” pointing out that Atlas Shrugged was currently #1,282 on the Amazon bestseller list, just behind A Wolf’s Desire, which is about sex with werewolves.

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Known for his fierce opposition to the Federal Reserve

Rand Paul accused of plagiarizing speech from crazy guy on street corner

5 Nov

LEXINGTON, Ky.—Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) was accused today of plagiarizing his stump speech from Elias Jarvle, a mostly-homeless man who spends his days wandering barefoot around Times Square with a sandwich board denouncing the Federal Reserve, the World Bank, and fluoridation.

“That darn Senator has stolen all my intellectual property around how the gold reserve is the only way to prevent the NSA from broadcasting propaganda about gun control and socialism through my dental fillings,” said Jarvle, wearing a falling-apart army jacket and, apparently, no underpants. “He also copied everything I’ve been saying about how Ross Perot planned 9/11 with the help of the IMF and the Trilateral Commission.”

Senator Paul released a statement in which he apologized for the plagiarism, which he claimed was inadvertent. “Because Mr. Jarvle and I think so much alike, it stands to reason that at times we would use the same wording,” explained Paul. “If I accidentally used his language when explaining why universal health care leads to totalitarianism and also how the IRS faked the Apollo landings, I am truly sorry.”

Later, Jarvle accepted Paul’s offer of restitution, consisting of a hot shower, ten dollars in Subway gift cards, and a speaking slot at the 2016 Republican national convention.

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