Tag Archives: kim jong eun

Kim Jong Eun worried that Paul Ryan is a “crazy madman”

14 Aug

PYONGYANG—Kim Jong Eun, the reclusive dictator of North Korea, shared today his concern that Paul Ryan is a “complete lunatic” and “utterly heartless.”

“I mean, he seems friendly and all,” said Eun in a rare, candid interview. “But when I actually read that budget plan? This guy makes Jim DeMint look like Dennis Kucinich.” Eun went on to express his fears that Ryan’s proposed spending cuts would fall disproportionately on “vulnerable working-class and elderly Americans.”

Eun, who is better known for bloodthirsty anti-Western rhetoric and provocative military demonstrations, made the comments in a two-hour interview with South Korean television. After forty minutes of threatening to drench America in its own blood and destroy Seoul with a thousand pillars of nuclear fire, he took an unexpected detour to discuss the American presidential election.

“I mean, Romney seems like a reasonable man who had to move right for the primaries,” said Eun. “I’d like to see more specificity in his tax and health-care proposals, because I can’t get the numbers to add up, you know? But Paul Ryan—that guy just scares the daylights out of me.”

Ryan, campaigning in Iowa, responded to Kim Jong Eun’s attacks.

“I guess people have a pretty cushy life in North Korea,” said Ryan at a campaign stop in Cedar Rapids. “But I believe that people other than me should look to the private sector, not the government, for income and health care.”

“I agree with what Paul said,” said Mitt Romney later in the day, after getting permission from Ryan to respond. “That’s okay, right?”

In opening to the West, Kim Jong Eun to appear on “Dancing with the Stars”

29 Jul

PYONGYANG–as part of what many observers are calling a gradual opening up to the rest of the world, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Eun today announced that he would be a contestant on the next season of the show “Dancing with the Stars.”

“Our beloved leader Kim Jong Eun, supreme light of the Korean people, great teacher of the Juche ideal, fearless commander of the mighty Korean People’s Army, will be competing for the mirror-ball trophy this fall on ABC,” said state news agency KCNA. “All Yankee imperialist dogs should tremble before his nimble toes, and also check their local listings for showtimes.”

North-Korea watchers were nonplussed by the move. “Although there have been possible hints of change–the announcement of his wife’s identity, the pictures of him on a roller coaster–we all thought the next step would be a cultural exchange or something,” said Don Oberdorfer, a longtime Korean expert. “Not going head-to-head with Bristol Palin in the Lindy Hop.”

South Korean president Lee Myung-Bak, who has taken a harder line with North Korea than his predecessors, issued a statement shortly after the KCNA announcement. “Although we are still displeased with the Northern regime’s constant threats to start nuclear war and turn Seoul into a lake of fire,” read the press release, “we are still super-excited about anyone who might be able to wipe that smug look off Apolo Anton Ohno’s face.”

ABC had no comment on the record, although a senior company official speaking on the condition of anonymity said that “it was really a diversity play for us. We are pretty good on gender, ethnicity, and so on, but we haven’t had a crazy hermit megalomaniac on the show since Tom DeLay in Season 9.”

A pro-regime rally was held in Pyongyang shortly after the announcement. According to KCNA, when the news broke, more than 100,000 North Koreans flocked to the central stadium to participate in a mass demonstration to express their joy, as well as to warn ABC that they would crush their evil imperialist ways should they stick Kim Jong Eun with that hopeless leadfoot Anna Trebunskaya.

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