Tag Archives: law

Following Supreme Court decision, experts warn that America’s natural reserves of political corruption may be exhausted by 2030

3 Apr

WASHINGTON—after yesterday’s McCutcheon ruling eliminated caps on campaign contributions, environmentalists warned that America’s corruption reserves, once thought to be virtually unlimited, could be exhausted as soon as 2030.

“The rate of depletion is going to increase substantially,” said David Brown of the Sierra Club. “Already, some of the largest deposits in easy-to-mine areas such as the White House and Senate are virtually gone.”

According to a batch of recently released studies, lobbyists desperate to replace their proven reserves are now exploring in difficult areas such as local sheriffs and county commissioners, as well as looking at alternatives such as the media.

The Federal Election Commission, fresh off its loss in the McCutcheon case, announced that it would “accept the new landscape” and would soon announce changed regulations for what would now be called the 2016 Pepsi Challenge Presidential Primary.

George Zimmerman rescues family from car crash; does not shoot them

26 Jul

SANFORD, Florida–less than two weeks after being acquitted in the death of Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman rescued a family of four after their SUV flipped over during an accident. Although Zimmerman later noted that they looked “shifty,” especially the “weird-looking kid in the back,” he did not shoot any of them, police confirmed.

“I’m pleased to say that my client did not kill anyone this week,” said Zimmerman’s lawyer, Mark O’Mara. “Even now that he’s got his favorite gun back, he’s gone two weeks without shooting everyone, not even those teenagers who hang out in front of the 7-11 for no reason at all.”

According to David Miller, who was driving the SUV, “the first thing I noticed when I came to was this guy waving a gun in my face, asking if I was okay. He offered to shoot anyone who was badly hurt, but we were fine, so instead he helped us out of the car and gave us a ride into town.”

Zimmerman explained that “it was touch and go at times, and they had some kind of candy in the back seat that might have been some new weapon invented by China or black people or something, but I decided to take a chance, and I’m glad it all worked out.”

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