Tag Archives: lgbt

In political compromise, no one in Houston will be allowed to use the bathroom at all

4 Nov

HOUSTON—after a backlash against the defeat of an anti-discrimination ordinance yesterday, one that opponents claimed would “allow men into women’s bathrooms,” the city council and mayor here announced a compromise that would ensure no one was allowed into any bathroom at all.

Mayor Annise Parker, a strong supporter of the ordinance, said at a press conference that “while this compromise is far from perfect, it is better than continuing a legacy of discrimination on the basis of gender identity.” She then declined to take questions and walked off the stage quickly, explaining that she had “an urgent event to attend in Galveston.”

Opponents of the anti-discrimination ordinance ran a series of ads that seemed to equate being in a protected class with being a sexual offender. “I’m pretty sure that history is on our side,” said Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R). “Hopefully we’ve just passed Peak Tolerance.”

Abbott went on to say that he was not deaf to the pleas of transgender individuals to have some place where they can legally urinate. “We plan to have separate but equal facilities in place shortly,” he explained.

Ireland approves same-sex marriage; Rick Santorum to “watch vigilantly” for signs of man-on-dog weddings

26 May

DUBLIN—after Ireland made history this weekend by approving same-sex marriage in a popular vote, former Sen. Rick Santorum (R—PA) said that he would “watch vigilantly” for signs that the change was leading to human-canine weddings.

Santorum, who won 11 states and 4 million votes in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries, has famously argued that same-sex marriage would lead to pedophilia and bestiality. “Ireland’s vote makes it imperative that God-fearing Americans monitor the country carefully to determine whether we are in fact seeing men marry children, dogs, horses, motorcycles, and so on,” said Santorum. “We all know this is just the beginning of a slippery slope.”

Santorum said that he had personal experience of the confusion that might result from Ireland’s decision. He explained that after a Pennsylvania court endorsed gay marriage in May 2014, he had almost married his Labrador retriever, Patches, due to “a significant error in paperwork.”

Santorum's advice to men: "If a dog tries to marry you, just pop it on the nose and run away."

Ted Cruz says he favors “complete equality” for wealthy gay campaign contributors; not sure about other gays

24 Apr

NEW YORK—speaking at a fundraiser at the home of a wealthy gay couple here, Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) said yesterday that he is “completely fine” with people being gay, if they are major contributors to his campaign. “If my daughter were gay, and she married a hedge-fund guy, and that guy was dropping major checks to Ted Cruz for President, then I would love her just as much as I do today, or perhaps up to 30% more,” he told attendees.

As Cruz has made opposition to gay marriage a plank of his presidential campaign, a spokesman later clarified that he had not changed his position. “Senator Cruz does not believe there is a right to gay marriage,” said the spokesman. “That’s why he’d like to see fifty grand, cash on the barrelhead, before he signs off on one.”

According to attendees, Cruz also blasted “typical big government overreach like the Federal Reserve, foreign aid, the Federal highway fund, and the so-called NASA moon landings.” Clarifying his position, he later handed out a price list for what he expected in each. “You want fluoride in your community, I better see ten bucks per household.”

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I can’t be bought, but I’d really like it if you tried

Indiana passes law allowing people to punch gays in the face for religious reasons

30 Mar

INDIANAPOLIS—in a bold move defending the rights of the traditionally oppressed Christian minority here, Gov. Mike Pence (R) today signed a law that allows residents of Indiana to punch gay people in the face, if they have a religious reason for doing so, or “they really just don’t like gay people.”

Said Pence, signing the law, “Today we take another step towards protecting people who might otherwise feel like they can’t fully express their bigotry without somehow being judged.”

While critics have attacked the law for its blatant pandering to prejudice, Pence dismissed the criticism as coming from “outsiders—people living in New York, black people, that sort of thing.”

Pence also rejected claims that the law would just entrench discrimination. “It’s not about discriminating against gays,” he explained. “It’s about treating them differently and worse, for no valid reason.”
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Mike Pence asking a gay reporter to leave the press conference “for religious reasons”

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