Tag Archives: malaysia

Vladimir Putin denies he has ever heard of any country called “Ukraine”

23 Jul

MOSCOW–as pressure on Russia mounted over the recent downing of a civilian airliner, killing 298 people, President Vladimir Putin denied that he had ever supplied arms to rebels in, or ever heard of “this so-called Ukraine.”

“Look, I guess there must be something on our Western borders, but I sure don’t know what it is, and I’ve never been there,” said Putin. “I’d be afraid of falling off the edge of the world, or being eaten by a sea monster.”

Putin, speaking from horseback to reporters, said that “there is no way Russia could have supplied anti-aircraft missiles to rebels in–what did you call it? Hurricane?–because we have no such weapons ourselves.”

Asked about the “Made in Russia” stenciled on the backs of missiles seen in news photographs, Putin explained that they were “typos.”

Asked further about a note found in a crate of missiles that read, “Hello from Oleg, deputy foreman at the Export Division of Anti-Aircraft Missile Factory Number Three in Smolensk, Russia!”, Putin explained that “the experts are really not sure whether Smolensk is a real place, either.”

Putin added that Russia could not afford to build missiles. “As you can see here today, the country is so poor that I am unable to afford a shirt, and need to keep warm by flexing,” he explained.

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Vladimir Putin speaking to reporters, immediately before beating an alligator to death with his bare hands

Malaysian government can’t remember where it wrote down coordinates of missing jet

21 Mar

KUALA LUMPUR–the search area for the missing Malaysia Airlines jet narrowed considerably when the government admitted today that it had a Post-It Note with the exact crash coordinates written on it.

“Apparently we received a satellite transmission with the precise location where the plane hit the water,” said a spokesman for the Malaysian Ministry of Aviation Safety and Volleyball. “But I wrote it down on a Post-It and just forgot I had it. Sorry about that!”

A multinational task force immediately swung into action off Australia’s western coast. “As usual, the initial focus will be on taking photographs of people staring out of helicopter windows at the water,” said Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. “Later, we will redeploy those people to the actual search area.”

As the search headed into its third week at the same time as the Crimean crisis continues, the American news media found itself desperately hoping that a celebrity would commit a major crime. “I mean, come on,” said Matt Lauer. “What’s next, some multilateral trade agreement? We need some A-list mug shots, and we need them now.”

GOP on missing jet: two passengers were signed up for Obamacare

11 Mar

BEIJING—the mystery surrounding the disappearance of the Malaysia Airlines jet over the weekend took a sinister turn today, as Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) revealed that two of the passengers on board had recently signed up for insurance under the Affordable Care Act.

“Although we cannot prove that this tragedy was caused by the White House’s misguided efforts at health-care reform, the math doesn’t lie,” said Cruz at a combined Tea Party/lobotomy convention. “Experts have said that the probability of two people getting Obamacare insurance and boarding a plane, and then having that plane crash, is less than one in a million.”

Cruz said it would be inappropriate to speculate on the exact mechanism by which health insurance could have caused the disaster, but noted that “crash” and “healthcare.gov” had appeared together in news articles more than ten thousand times in the last six months. “Everywhere we look, we see the President’s fingerprints on this,” he added.

In related news, the White House offered its condolences to the families of those presumed dead on the missing jet. “What makes this tragedy even worse,” said spokesman Jay Carney, “is that one of those passengers was supposed to make the final decision on the Keystone XL pipeline.”

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