Tag Archives: marriage

Eliot Spitzer calls Anthony Weiner “rank amateur” philanderer

11 Jul

NEW YORK—entering the race for New York City comptroller, disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer today lashed out at his comeback rival, disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner.

“This guy knows absolutely nothing about tawdry behavior,” Spitzer said in a news conference. “Tweeting a photograph of your junk? With underwear on? Don’t make me laugh.”

Spitzer went on to spell out his own list of accomplishments. “Actual sex, for one. With prostitutes. Repeatedly. Those are the three pillars of really cheating, and Mr. Weiner doesn’t seem to have gotten around to any of them.”

Some voters were puzzled as to why Spitzer would attack Weiner, who is running in an entirely different race and thus not a rival. Irene Dortmund of Brooklyn, however, said she understood completely. “Weiner is blurring Spitzer’s story,” she explained. “Spitzer actually has a feel-good story about wrongdoing , redemption, and personal growth. Except there’s been no redemption of any kind, or any personal growth.”

Rupert Murdoch files for divorce, complaining that wife has not “aged as gracefully as I have”

13 Jun

NEW YORK—after 14 years of marriage, billionaire Rupert Murdoch filed for divorce today, noting that his 44-year-old wife Wendi Deng was “not aging well at all.”

Murdoch, 82, explained in a subsequent interview that Deng was “cramping his style” when they went out, and that “because of her, no one believes we’re twenty-somethings any more.”

The media mogul also revealed the secret of his oft-cited magnetic personality and looks, which turns out to be “enormous amounts of money spent rashly.”

While the business community expressed concerns that the divorce could impact the family’s role in the News Corporation, management hastened to reassure investors that there would be no interruption to the company’s phone hacking and influence-peddling.


Wendi Deng, seen here with an unidentified man in a scary Halloween costume

%d bloggers like this: