Tag Archives: measles

Chris Christie makes strong play for stupid vote with anti-vaccine comments

4 Feb

LONDON–Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) made several comments yesterday in support of parents who choose not to have their children vaccinated against measles, thereby staking out a strong claim to the stupid vote in the upcoming GOP presidential primaries.

“It’s not that I’m saying that the anti-measles vaccine will make you gay,” said Christie to startled reporters. “It’s just that I’ve challenged CDC Director Tom Frieden to provide us with proof–not assurances, cold hard proof–that the current vaccine wasn’t created by Elvis Presley and JFK using alien technology to read our thoughts.”

When asked about the overwhelming scientific evidence that the vaccine is safe and effective, Christie noted that “the jury is still out on science,” and said he would wait for more information, preferably delivered on mimeograph paper with lots of typos.

When asked whether he wasn’t letting his presidential ambitions get in the way of promoting public health, Christie was thoughtful for a moment. “I think I’d draw the line at about five hundred dead kids,” he said finally. “If we had five hundred kids dead from measles, then I might pull back a little. One hundred, two hundred to get me to the White House–that feels fine.”

Official Portrait
“Obviously my kids have been vaccinated and won’t get measles, but that doesn’t mean yours can’t.”

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CDC encourages American parents to receive anti-ignorance vaccine

4 Feb

ATLANTA–Tom Frieden, the director of the Centers for Disease Control, today encouraged all American parents who have not yet done so to receive a new anti-ignorance vaccine that is being rushed to market.

“This new compound is safe, effective, and affordable, and will have significant benefits for public health,” said Frieden.

The vaccine is administered in the form of a single sheet of paper that explains the overwhelming scientific evidence that the measles vaccine is safe and effective. Frieden explained that it was painless and required less than five minutes.

The vaccine is contraindicated for some small groups, such as politicians tacking right for the GOP primaries, but otherwise should be distributed “as widely as possible.”

Frieden noted that the scientific consensus behind the safety and efficacy of vaccination was “overwhelming,” and that the only suggestion to the contrary was a 1998 paper that used an innovative statistical technique known as “falsified data.”

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Frieden asked if he would be more convincing if he stood on a street corner and held up a handmade sign stating that vaccines are safe

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