Tag Archives: media

Sesame Street to move to HBO in the fall, at last allowing for more violence and profanity

14 Aug

NEW YORK—in a surprising move, HBO and Sesame Workshop today announced a deal that would see new Sesame Street episodes airing exclusively on HBO, starting this fall.

“We’re delighted to announce our new partnership with HBO,” said Jeffrey Dunn, chief executive of Sesame Workshop. “Not only will this shore up our finances and ensure that we are able to produce original programming in the years ahead, but it will finally allow us to show the dark, gritty side of Sesame Street that we couldn’t use on PBS.”

Like many other producers, Dunn explained that he was looking forward to the “creative freedom” that cable television provided. “We plan to see a lot more hookers and blow next season,” he said. “Our new unconstrained format will allow us to provide educational programming to that underserved demographic, the children of rich white people with pay TV subscriptions.”

An HBO spokesman noted that “we look forward to welcoming Sesame Street to our lineup of award-winning shows, and then to making it really hard to watch and unpleasant, because that’s what great educational television is all about.”

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We didn’t make this, but it’s still pretty awesome

Shirley Temple dies at 85; sadly media fails to fully exploit tragedy

11 Feb

WOODSIDE, California—Shirley Temple, the famous child actress, died at home yesterday at age 85.

“It’s sad when anyone dies,” said Access Hollywood host Billy Bush. “But it’s especially sad when there’s nothing tawdry we can rub in the faces of our viewers, you know?” He sighed. “It’s just so upsetting.”

Upmarket media was equally upset. “There’s really no flimsy metaphor about society as a whole that we can use as an excuse to relate scurrilous gossip here,” said Sia Michel, arts editor of the New York Times. “There isn’t really any scurrilous gossip, period.”

Although Temple had been on a temporary 64-year hiatus from the film industry, she had started a comeback in the last few years, most recently appearing on the Red Skelton Hour in 1963, where she received generally positive reviews. “We had hoped for her to come back on the show soon, but then we found out Red passed away in 1997,” said her longtime agent.

Koch brothers fund anti-ACA advertising campaign; unleash army of orcs

15 Jan

MORDOR—operating from their mountain fortress here, the billionaire Koch brothers today announced a commitment of $20 million to target vulnerable Democrats who have supported health-care reform. They also announced that they were sending their secret orc army to conquer all of Middle Earth, with a particular focus on the swing states.

“We believe that Senators and Representatives who have supported the White House’s disastrous health-care reform should rightly be concerned about their electoral prospects in November,” read a press release. “Also, about seeing their families cut down by kobolds as their villages are burned to the ground.”

The money will be funnelled through an unnamed organization that has been described as “One PAC to Rule them All.” It will continue to advocate for free-market economic policies, a reign of one thousand years of evil overseen by the all-seeing Burning Eye of Baradur, and state-level changes to reduce the influence of public-sector unions.

A spokesman for the Koch brothers declined to comment, but instead grew to many times his size and crushed several reporters with an oversized flaming mace.

Rupert Murdoch files for divorce, complaining that wife has not “aged as gracefully as I have”

13 Jun

NEW YORK—after 14 years of marriage, billionaire Rupert Murdoch filed for divorce today, noting that his 44-year-old wife Wendi Deng was “not aging well at all.”

Murdoch, 82, explained in a subsequent interview that Deng was “cramping his style” when they went out, and that “because of her, no one believes we’re twenty-somethings any more.”

The media mogul also revealed the secret of his oft-cited magnetic personality and looks, which turns out to be “enormous amounts of money spent rashly.”

While the business community expressed concerns that the divorce could impact the family’s role in the News Corporation, management hastened to reassure investors that there would be no interruption to the company’s phone hacking and influence-peddling.

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Wendi Deng, seen here with an unidentified man in a scary Halloween costume

Citing low ratings, NBC cancels Syrian civil war

1 Jun

NEW YORK–NBC CEO Steve Burke today announced the cancellation of Syria’s growing civil war, part of a housecleaning intended to revive the network’s flagging fortunes. He cited viewer apathy and declining ratings as the reasons for the decision, going out of his way to clarify that “we at NBC love what the Syrians have been doing over there–it is truly cutting-edge stuff–and we’re sorry to have to let it go.”

According to industry insiders, while NBC was delighted with the initial response to the Syrian revolution–“demos off the charts,” in the words of one expert–a sense of sameness had set in among viewers. Attempts to keep the war fresh with new plotlines involving factional splits within the rebel ranks only confused the public further, leading all but the diehard fans to stop watching.

The creative teams behind the war were disappointed but not surprised. “While I would love to see this war continue forever, it’s taken longer to find our audience this season,” said Syrian President Bashar Assad. “I’m incredibly proud of the work my team here has done, and I hope we can continue to slaughter civilians online.”

The civil war will join many other NBC assets that have recently been let go, including “Smash,” “Rock Center,” and a lingering sense of self-respect. In the most recent ratings results, the network placed thirty-seventh, behind ABC, CBS, Univision, Oxygen, a bunch of eighth-graders with a webcam, and vacuum-tube radio.

Karl Rove admits that Romney’s path to victory is “quite narrow now”

7 Jan

NEW YORK–two months after his controversial election-night protest that Fox had been premature in declaring victory for Barack Obama, Karl Rove today admitted that “right now it looks unlikely that Mitt Romney will be elected president.”

As all election results have been certified and all electoral votes have been cast, most political observers agree that Obama has won the election. In a guest appearance on CNN today, however, Rove noted that while “Romney’s path to victory is quite narrow, there still is a path.”

Asked to explain, Rove noted that “constitutional committees could spontaneously form in all fifty states, revise their delegate and election procedures, appoint new electors, and disband, all before the inauguration.” He also raised the possibility that “super-powerful aliens could give us the secret of time travel, allowing Romney to go back to the second debate and not sound like such an idiot.”

Rove also alluded to “deep backup plans” in the Romney camp, “just in case” neither of the first two scenarios comes to pass. When pressed, Rove hinted that Romney might just be able to show up at the inauguration, sneak into the front row, and “take the oath of office when Barack isn’t looking.”

At the end of the CNN interview, Rove was helped from the set by two friendly doctors, all the while waving his arms and shouting that the 1960 Texas results still aren’t final, and that “Nixon is still in this thing.”

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