Tag Archives: medicare

Sticking with a winner, Republicans pass same budget that propelled Romney-Ryan to victory

21 Mar

WASHINGTON—as America’s fiscal crisis continues, the Republican Party today decided to play it safe, using its majority in the House to pass essentially the same budget that was such an instrumental force in Mitt Romney’s sweeping presidential victory last November.

“We figured, why change?” explained Vice President Paul Ryan. “America told us loud and clear that they want smaller government, less health care, and a shrinking safety net, all in the name of reducing taxes on the richest Americans. Why wouldn’t we go with a proven formula?”

While Democrats had hoped that the GOP would moderate its fiscal policies after the last election, Mitt Romney’s landslide victory seems to have had just the opposite effect. “We’re waiting for the Democrats to admit that they’re wrong,” said Speaker John Boehner. “Until they realize that Americans prefer a nineteenth-century-style government, they’re never getting back into the White House.”

The budget is slightly different this time around—some of the details around tax brackets are somewhat different, for example. But it retains the three key features of Paul Ryan’s previous budget outlines: the conversion of Medicare to block grants, sweeping reductions in taxes, and the assumption that magical fairies somehow produce $6 trillion in unspecified savings.

Romney vows to dedicate presidency to bringing back jobs he sent to China

10 Oct

ZANESVILLE—speaking at a rally to the Republican faithful, Mitt Romney today pledged that if elected, he would devote himself to “bringing back all those jobs that I outsourced to China” in his years at Bain Capital.

“American businesses want to hire American workers,” said Romney to the cheering crowd. “And they would, too, if the government didn’t stick its nose in and make them pay you seven dollars an hour and provide safety equipment.”

To show that he was serious, Romney’s campaign included “Create lots of good new jobs” on the latest version of his highly detailed 59-point plan for jobs and economic growth. Other additions to the plan include “Help everyone get super rich” and “Make America is totally awesome again.”

Romney’s announcement immediately put to rest the rumor that if elected, Romney would pay Xi Jinping twelve dollars an hour to do all the work of the US presidency. “No way,” said spokesman Kevin Madden. “And anyway, if we were going to do that, we’d send it to India. More English speakers and lower staff turnover. Not that we’re going to do it,” he added. “Shut up!” he said a moment later. “Totally not happening!”

In other news, a Georgia man who had been waiting in the emergency room for five hours removed a bullet from his own head with a pair of tweezers, “proving that Paul Ryan’s Medicare plan will totally work,” said Romney.

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