Tag Archives: Mexico

Deal reached to keep Mexican cartel boss “El Chapo” Guzman in the Eurozone

13 Jul

BRUSSELS–after exhaustive, all-night negotiations, Europe’s political leaders reached a deal this morning that would keep notorious Mexican drug lord “El Chapo” in the Eurozone.

“We have a deal,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “While it’s not perfect, it’s much better than seeing El Chapo exit the euro.”

Under the terms of the deal, Guzman agreed to extensive labor-market and tax reforms in the cartel under his control, and as a result, the European Central Bank will start negotiations to restructure the cartel’s Euro-denominated debt, which consists of several unpaid VHS rental fines from El Chapo’s vacation to Rome in 2003. “We can extend the maturities of the fines as required, and we will overlook the fact that Guzman did not rewind Police Academy IV,” said Merkel.

After completing the negotiations at 7am local time, the European leaders also reached a sort-of-agreement with Greece to restructure its debts. Under the terms of the agreement, Greece will pass legislation handing control of the country to Germany, after which “we’ll see what we feel like doing,” said Merkel.

Guzman: “Of course I kept Jedi for an extra three days. It’s a great movie.”

Parents of 43 murdered Mexican students “deeply relieved” that killers were not Islamic militants

10 Nov

MEXICO CITY—the parents of 43 missing Mexican students, who have now been confirmed dead, were reported today to have breathed “a big sigh of relief” upon learning that their children were killed as part of a political feud in the southwestern town of Iguala, and that there was no connection whatsoever to militant Islam.

“If terrorists had killed my daughter, then of course this would be a national, even global, tragedy,” said Ramon Gonzalez, 43. “But corruption and murder? No biggie.”

Coming shortly after both Canada and the United States were pitched into hysteria by the murder of a soldier in Ottawa, the news that the Mexican killings were unconnected to terrorism prompted relief and celebration throughout the Americas.

“It’s not a tragedy if Muslims didn’t do it,” explained a US State Department spokesman.

Mexico captures notorious cartel boss, guaranteeing end of drug trade

24 Feb

MEXICO CITY—anti-drug officials today celebrated the capture of the notorious cartel boss “El Chapo,” which is expected to bring an end to the availability of illegal drugs in North America.

“El Chapo’s organization controlled virtually all of the drugs consumed in Mexico and also smuggled to the United States,” said President Enrique Pena Nieto. “Therefore, with him gone, we can expect that there will be no more narcotics sold in either country.”

Drug dealers reacted with dismay. “I thought I had it made, man,” said Javier Morales, a cartel employee who carries cocaine across the border through a network of tunnels. “A product we make cheaply, for which there is virtually unlimited demand—but with El Chapo gone, I guess we’re all done here.” Morales said that he planned to go back to school, finish his associate’s degree in auto mechanics, and start a small business. “Such a waste,” he said ruefully.

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