Tag Archives: military

Heavy fighting in Yemen causes concerned Americans to wonder exactly where Yemen is

24 Jul

CHICAGO–Dick Moser, longtime resident here, didn’t mince words today when asked about the renewed conflict in Yemen.

“It sounds serious,” said Moser. “So serious, in fact, that I’m strongly considering writing my Congressman, to demand that he google ‘Yemen’ and tell me where this place is.”

Across the nation, reports of continued clashes between the Houthi-led insurgents and the Saudi-backed government caused considerable alarm.

“If the insurgents keep moving north,” said Gladys Springwell, who teaches third grade at Oak Ridge Elementary here, “they’ll reach Indiana, and after that, Chicago must be next on their list.”

Opinion was divided as to what the American government should do next. 46% said “Obama should just bluff his way through the next press conference and pretend we know where this place is,” while 37% believed that “he should just fess up and ask a reporter to look it up on their phone.” As a less preferred option, 15% said the upcoming Republican presidential primary debates should be replaced with a Nickelodeon-style physical challenge, although this option might have garnered more support if it had actually been one of the options mentioned by the pollster.

Chicago residents were also worried about the nature of the insurgent forces. “I understand the Houthis are still a serious threat,” said Don Parlander, a paralegal at Rackham & Pitts, a prominent local law firm. “If he manages to get the Blowfish behind him, I don’t see how the government can withstand the attack.”

Parlander was not reassured by news that the Saudi-led forces had taken Aden. “I always said he should have been the one to end up with Carrie,” he explained.

We’re about 80% certain none of these countries are Yemen.

Angela Merkel tells lifestyle program she is expanding her living room; European armies go on highest alert

11 May

BERLIN—tensions in Europe unexpectedly climbed several notches over the weekend when German Chancellor Angela Merkel, being interviewed on a popular lifestyle show here, revealed that she was planning a home renovation to significantly increase the size of her living room.

“Wir brauchen mehr Lebensraum,” Merkel said to Sarah Kuttner, host of the popular program Wochenenden zu Hause.

Immediately the armies of Poland, Russia, Ukraine, and France went on highest alert. Belgium attempted to put its army on highest alert, but he was at the dentist and could not immediately be contacted.

After the program, Merkel attempted to calm the waters by reassuring other countries that nothing was imminent. “We would not plan to launch this for another month or two,” she explained. “If we went now, our vehicles could get bogged down in the mud, while if we wait, we can still finish before winter.”

The situation only got worse when the Chancellor went on to talk about her vacation plans.

Yemen launches bid for 2016 US invasion, trailed by Syria, Saudi Arabia, and others

28 Jan

RIYADH–President Obama started a short trip to Saudi Arabia yesterday, congratulating the new Saudi king and also inspecting a shortlist of countries that he is “really excited about” fighting his next war in.

“All the candidate countries are really strong,” said Obama in remarks made here at the airport. “I wish we could invade and occupy all of them.”

At press time, Yemen’s bid was generally agreed to be the strongest, with a powerful mixture of anarchy, humanitarian crisis, and “just the right amount” of terrorist “vibes.” Unfortunately, it is apparently seen as not having enough buildings that will look good blowing up on CNN. Syria’s once-promising candidacy has been weakened by overexposure, lack of a compelling narrative, but is still considered a real contender. Saudi Arabia is considered a dark horse candidate, being an American ally for the time being, while Beijing apparently put in a bid “just because we try to get everything,” a government spokesman said.

The winner will be announced in a disjointed series of self-contradictory press releases and leaks, a White House spokesman said before clarifying that it would be done some other way entirely.

The other purpose of Obama’s trip was to congratulate the new Saudi king, Salman. At age 79, Salman is said to be “vigorous” in the Saudi press, at least by those reporters that were not scheduled for caning.

Obama nomination of Ashton Kutcher as Secretary of Defense raises eyebrows

5 Dec

WASHINGTON–in a surprise move, President Obama today nominated Ashton Kutcher to replace outgoing Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, a decision that caught observers by surprise.

“We all knew this was likely to be a caretaker pick,” said expert David Fosters. “But I’m still scratching my head as to why Obama went with a TV star, instead of someone with relevant foreign policy experience, like Ashton Carter.”

In his announcement of Kutcher, Obama noted that “if Ashton could turn around Two and a Half Men after Charlie Sheen left, I’m confident he can fix up Afghanistan and Iraq.” Obama also noted Kutcher’s outsized Twitter presence as justification for the pick.

Kutcher was unavailable for comment. His publicist said that Kutcher was spending quiet time with Mila Kunis and their new baby and asked the media to respect their privacy, immediately before distributing several dozen glossy photos of the family for publication.
“How hard can it be?” Kutcher was reported to have said after accepting the nomination.

Obama promises Iraq intervention will be strictly limited to “bombing and fighting and, you know, whatever”

8 Aug

WASHINGTON–as President Obama ordered airstrikes in Iraq, he reassured a skeptical American public that he was not making an open-ended military commitment. Instead, he pledged that American intervention would be strictly limited in scope to “bombing, and maybe some fighting, and, you know, whatever sort of seems like a good idea at the time.” He also noted that he had put a non-negotiable time limit on military involvement, promising that it would last no longer than “a while, or until we win.”

The White House announcement immediately brought relief to worried citizens. “I was afraid this was the beginning of another quagmire,” said Tom Dallard of Sheboygan, WI. “But now I figure the worst case is a long, unproductive war.”

Republicans rallied behind the President, but their support came with warnings. “If we’re going into Iraq, we need to go in all the way,” said Sen. John McCain (R–AZ). “I expect that an invasion of Iraq will result in a lot of American soldiers being killed, so if we don’t invade, then we’ll be dishonoring their future sacrifice.”

Obama made a second announcement, hours later, in which he expressed confidence that the intervention in Iraq would be successful. “If history teaches us anything,” he said, “it’s that when we dabble in complex internal conflicts in faraway countries where we can’t really explain why we’re there, everything turns out just great.”

Maliki says Iraqi army is doing “a heckuva job”

23 Jun

BAGHDAD–as thousands of Iraqi army soldiers fled the battlefield, removing their uniforms and dropping their weapons, Prime Minister Maliki announced that the military was doing “a heckuva job.”

“I couldn’t be more pleased with how our men are performing,” said Maliki at a press conference here today. “Our battle plan is unfolding exactly as we’d hoped.”

Maliki insisted that the rapid collapse of several Iraqi army divisions was all part of an elaborate stratagem to make the militants “overconfident.” He also explained that soldiers removing their fatigues were just changing into the army’s new uniforms, which consist of civilian clothes “and a frightened expression.”

The PM insisted that the army would soon recover all the territory lost with minimal casualties.

Speaking from Texas, former President George Bush endorsed Maliki and noted that his “thoughts and prayers are with the Iraqi oil fields.”

Obama sends top troubleshooter Kathleen Sebelius to fix up VA

30 May

WASHINGTON–as pressure mounted on the troubled Veterans Administration health-care system, President Obama today announced that he was sending his “number one gun,” former HHS secretary Kathleen Sebelius, to sort out the issues.

“Our veterans deserve the same great health care as the rest of Americans get,” said Obama at a press conference to introduce Sebelius. “And who better to provide it as the woman who led the flawless implementation of healthcare.gov?”

During the press conference, while she stood next to the President, Sebelius accidentally unplugged the microphone, then knocked over the lectern, spilled a glass of water on the First Lady, and then accidentally shot four disabled veterans in the audience. “My bad,” she said afterwards.

In a separate development, the VA released a report showing that most veterans are “a bunch of whiners” and “should stop getting sick.”

Syrian opposition cheered by news that their fate depends on U.S. Congressional action

1 Sep

ALEPPO–morale among the fragmented opposition here today was buoyed by the news that President Obama is going to ask Congress to vote on possible military intervention in the Syrian civil war.

“If all that stands between us and American support is getting Eric Cantor and Nancy Pelosi to work together, then our victory is assured!” exclaimed Ahmed Al-Jabbour, leader of a small militia based in the suburbs of Aleppo. “Surely they wouldn’t let petty partisan differences get in the way of working together for the common good.”

Supporters of the Assad regime were despondent. “We now face one of the nimblest, shrewdest governments history has ever known,” said General Ibrahim al-Nassour, deputy commander of the Syrian Air Force. “I just don’t see how we can possibly outsmart John Boehner.”

In Washington, in the meantime, the Senate was temporarily shut down while the Republican caucus investigated rumors that Mitch McConnell had once shaken President Obama’s hand “without irony.” In the House, in the meantime, GOP leaders promised swift action on Syria as soon as the ACA is repealed and taxes are cut to a flat $9.95 per capita.

Bradley Manning identifies as a women; immediately offered “firm support” by San Diego mayor Bob Filner

22 Aug

WASHINGTON–Bradley Manning, the Army private convicted of leaking thousands of diplomatic cables, announced today that he now identifies as a woman and would like to be referred to as “Chelsea.”

Minutes after Manning’s statement, she received a strong expression of interest from San Diego mayor Bob Filner, who said he would offer “firm support” of her cause.

“When I heard there was a female veteran out there who was hurting, I wanted to reach out in every way that I could,” said Filner, known for his interest in women in the military. “If Chelsea needs anything–anything at all–I hope she’ll know I’m always available.”

Political experts noted that Filner is having a difficult time, and assumed that his support of Manning is a desire to appeal to his progressive base that sees her actions as heroic.

“It’s political, of course, but it’s also idealistic,” said Gavin Davies, a local journalist. “I think Filner genuinely believes in what he’s doing for women, and wants to do more of it, all the time, everywhere, without stopping.”

Manning sentenced to 35 years for revealing that Hugo Chavez was a blowhard

22 Aug

WASHINGTON–Bradley Manning, who gave more than 700,000 classified diplomatic cables to Wikileaks, was today sentenced to 35 years in prison for revealing America’s deepest secrets. Among them were the following shockers:

– Hugo Chavez was kind of a “blowhard” and really not very interesting
– Peace between Israel and Palestine is not going to be easy
– Vladimir Putin is a big jerk
– No one wants to work in the American embassy in Equatorial Guinea

“This affair has done grave damage to America’s national security,” said President Obama, apparently referring to the revelation that Canadian trade delegations hosted “dull” receptions at international conferences.

Private Manning was also reduced to the lowest rank in the Army, E1, which experts say could hurt his future career prospects in the military, were he not about to spend most of the rest of his working years in prison and be a pariah.

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