Tag Archives: missouri

Missouri governor declares martial law in Ferguson, because “aggressive policing is just what we need right now”

18 Nov

FERGUSON, Mo.—as this St. Louis suburb waits to see whether a grand jury will indict the police officer who killed an unarmed black youth here, Governor Jay Nixon declared martial law, explaining that “when in doubt, I think it’s best to get white guys with guns all hyped up and then send them out on the streets.”

“Look, we all know what drives bad behaviour out there among the, you know, those people,” said Nixon at a press conference in front of an Abrams tank. “It’s not having the imminent fear of death at the very top of their concerns. If we can just change that, we should be okay.”

Responding to questions as to whether aggressive policing had in fact been the cause of the problems in Ferguson, Nixon looked confused. “I was told it had been shifty characters,” he said.

Nixon closed the press conference with a prayer “that we will have peace and harmony, and that if we don’t, that the National Guard opens up a can of whoop-ass on those guys.”

In a historic advance in American race relations, Obama pledges to do nothing and wait for Ferguson protests to go away

21 Aug

FERGUSON, Mo.—as protests continued in what many see as the worst racial tension in the US in over a decade, President Obama took advantage of the opportunity to take a historic step towards reconciliation, pledging to do nothing and just wait it out.

“At times like this, we are called upon to lead the nation forward,” said the President in a special prime-time television address. “

Instead of going to Ferguson himself, Obama vowed to send “an emissary with the stature to bring healing to this community.” After several phone calls, he settled on several contestants from Celebrity Big Brother, Matt Lauer’s younger brother, and Attorney General Eric Holder.

Meanwhile, in a conciliatory gesture, Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon imposed a curfew, declared martial law, and told protestors “I will mess you up good.”

GOP Congressman Steve Stockman invites racist rodeo clown to Texas; cites “professional courtesy”

15 Aug

FRIENDSWOOD, Texas—Freshman Republican congressman Steve Stockman (R—TX) today announced that he was inviting a rodeo clown, whose racist impersonation of Barack Obama created controversy at the Missouri State Fair, to perform in Texas. Stockman explained that his invitation was motivated by “professional courtesy to a colleague.”

“This guy and I have a lot in common,” said Stockman. “He’s been in the business of whipping up crowds into a racist frenzy for years, and I’m sure he’s got a lot of great tips for me.”

“It makes a lot of sense,” said Aditya Sood, Professor of Clown Studies at UCLA. “There aren’t that many racist clowns left, so they stick together.”

Stockman, whose achievements to date in Congress include sponsoring legislations to allow guns in schools and voting against the Violence Against Women act, seemed surprised by the negative reaction to his invitation. “If you’re saying we can’t make fun of black people at rodeos any more, what’s next? Giving them the vote?”

Stockman explained that his invitation was a defense of free speech. “In America, people are allowed to say whatever they want,” he said. “Constitutional scholars agree that only way to protect that right is to say incredibly offensive things all the time. I’d like to think I’m part of the solution.”

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