Tag Archives: mitt romney

Karl Rove admits that Romney’s path to victory is “quite narrow now”

7 Jan

NEW YORK–two months after his controversial election-night protest that Fox had been premature in declaring victory for Barack Obama, Karl Rove today admitted that “right now it looks unlikely that Mitt Romney will be elected president.”

As all election results have been certified and all electoral votes have been cast, most political observers agree that Obama has won the election. In a guest appearance on CNN today, however, Rove noted that while “Romney’s path to victory is quite narrow, there still is a path.”

Asked to explain, Rove noted that “constitutional committees could spontaneously form in all fifty states, revise their delegate and election procedures, appoint new electors, and disband, all before the inauguration.” He also raised the possibility that “super-powerful aliens could give us the secret of time travel, allowing Romney to go back to the second debate and not sound like such an idiot.”

Rove also alluded to “deep backup plans” in the Romney camp, “just in case” neither of the first two scenarios comes to pass. When pressed, Rove hinted that Romney might just be able to show up at the inauguration, sneak into the front row, and “take the oath of office when Barack isn’t looking.”

At the end of the CNN interview, Rove was helped from the set by two friendly doctors, all the while waving his arms and shouting that the 1960 Texas results still aren’t final, and that “Nixon is still in this thing.”

Romney complains Obama used “better policies” and “charisma” to win election unfairly

15 Nov

BOSTON—a little more than a week after losing a close presidential election, Mitt Romney today told supporters that Obama had won unfairly, using his “better track record” and “more popular policies” to appeal to supporters.

“Obama only won because people liked what he was doing in office,” said Romney in a conference call with donors. “Supporting women’s health? Pandering to women. Keeping America safe? Sure, pander to the national-security vote. He just wasn’t playing fair.”

Leading conservatives echoed Romney’s complaints. “Obama shouldn’t be allowed to create and implement policy that Americans support,” said Ann Coulter, turning a slightly deeper shade of red than normal. “Leadership is about doing things that everyone hates and winning elections anyway.”

Romney singled out the popular provisions of Obamacare as problematic for his campaign. He also cited the auto bailout, the economic stimulus, and foreign policy as areas where the Democrats “cheated” by “having better ideas than we did.”

Romney praised the small army of volunteers who helped him in the campaign. “I want to thank the second-best team in the business,” he said, becoming emotional. “No one does incoherent, slightly racist rage like you guys.”

He also underlined that he was not going to run again in 2016. “I look forward to watching a new standard-bearer emerge to continue our party’s great tradition of losing winnable elections,” he explained.

Obama claims historic mandate for change, as slightly less than half of America votes against him

7 Nov

CHICAGO—after a long, hard-fought campaign, Barack Obama today won a sweeping victory over Mitt Romney, as 51 out of every 100 Americans chose him for re-election, excluding non-citizens, children, and people who didn’t bother to vote.

“America has spoken tonight, and it has said that it slightly prefers me to Mitt Romney,” Obama told a raucous crowd here at his campaign headquarters. “This gives us license to enact a sweeping second-term agenda.”

If several thousand people in key states had felt differently, of course, “it would have been a massive repudiation of the Democratic party,” observed CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. “Instead, because of some hiccups in Romney’s get-out-the-vote operation and good weather in the Midwest, we can safely say that America is fully behind Barack Obama.”

Obama’s campaign team immediately began to shift back into governing mode, focused on finding the best possible people for senior appointments, drawn from the entire pool of wealthy Democratic donors.

Sources close to the President say that he is excited to get back to the work of running the government. “He knows he’s got a role to play, and he’s excited to play it,” said David Plouffe. “I mean, Congress isn’t going to alienate itself, you know?”

Confident Romney assures crowd he will beat the spread and “lose by only a point or two”

5 Nov

ALTOONA, Pennsylvania—on a surprise visit to blue-leaning Pennsylvania, a newly emboldened Mitt Romney confidently told a rally here today that “we’re going to beat the point spread.”

“On Tuesday, Paul Ryan and I are going to receive between forty-eight and forty-nine percent of the popular vote,” the candidate told the cheering crowd. “And I promise you that we will get as many as 240 electoral votes.”

Romney’s confident assertion that he will lose by as little as one or two percentage points has breathed new vigor into the Republican campaign and caused nervousness in office pools and among bookies across the nation. “If he pulls this off, it’ll be the greatest performance since Gerald Ford barely lost to Carter in 1976,” said one pundit.

In a conference call with reporters, advisor Matt Rhoades was bragging about the campaign’s performance to date. “If you handicap this thing for Mitt’s baggage and inherent unlikeability, we’re way ahead of where we should be,” he boasted. “And if the Republican Party wasn’t focused on rape, gay conversion therapy, the wholesale rejection of government, and the gold standard, we might even be ahead.”

Mike Leavitt, who has been heading up Romney’s transition team, told reporters he was looking forward to the election, after which he will go back to his job at the car wash.

Romney campaign ahead on 14 of 16 KPIs; “only lagging in popular and electoral vote”

2 Nov

BOSTON—the increasingly confident Romney campaign today released a statement noting that it was ahead on 14 of the 16 key performance indicators it tracks to measure its own effectiveness.

“We are way ahead of our targets on contributions, volunteers, yard signs, campaign stops, you name it,” said campaign manager Matt Rhoades. “We’re doing far better than I could have hoped. The only places where we’re coming up short are in, you know, the popular vote and the electoral college. But everything else is great.”

By way of contrast, Rhoades noted that their scorecard shows Obama performing well on only two of the ten measures they track: “Endorsements by obese Republican governors” and “Likelihood of winning the election.” Said Rhoades, “on everything else, they’re nowhere near where they should be by now.”

Rhoades was dismissive of arguments that ultimately winning the election was the only measure that actually mattered. “That’s old-school, government-centric thinking,” he explained. “Mitt Romney’s a businessman, and these are the tools businesses use to measure success.”

Among the measures where the campaign was particularly strong included “Candidate alliteration,” “Number of crazy billionaires on board,” and “Executive hair.”

Tea Party members reject hurricane rescues on ideological grounds

31 Oct

ATLANTIC CITY—in keeping with their avowed anti-government stance, right-wing activists endangered by Hurricane Sandy have been almost unanimously rejecting the efforts of taxpayer-supported search-and-rescue teams that are trying to help them.

“No thank you!” shouted Dolores Vandermeer to the Newark ambulance crew working to free her from beneath the tree that had shattered her leg. “Last year I said government isn’t the solution to anything. What am I, a hypocrite?”

John Rottmeyer voiced similar views as he stood on the roof of his car, surrounded by floodwaters here in Atlantic City. “We need a free-market solution to this,” he yelled, waving off a Coast Guard helicopter that was prepared to winch him to safety. “The private sector should provide disaster rescue insurance, and I as a rational consumer will take it out, and we can get rid of these faceless bureaucrats,” he explained, pointing towards the four people risking their lives to help him.

In a post-hurricane rant on Fox, Ann Coulter reinforced the notion that government should get out of the way. “If we didn’t have Washington getting in our way, private citizens would come together and agree on a solution that worked for everyone, and then organize to put it in place.” When it was explained to her that that was what government was, she looked nonplussed. “Then it needs more flags,” she said.

Mitt Romney, who last year declared that FEMA was a waste of taxpayer money and should be abolished, today clarified his statement, explaining that he had been misquoted. “What I was actually saying was ‘I love America,’” announced Romney.

Republican Senate candidates grab Mitt Romney’s arm; ask for help in finding a job

28 Oct

COLUMBUS, Ohio–voters at a Republican rally here today were treated to a heartrending tale about a Republican Senate candidate who approached Mitt Romney after a rally, grabbed his arm, and asked for help finding a job.

“And this man, Todd, he comes up to me, and he says please–please, Mitt, he said–I live just over in Missouri, and I’m about to be out of work, and I really would like your help getting a job,” said Romney to the crowd.

According to pundits, the anecdote marked the ten-thousandth time someone has approached Romney after a rally and grabbed his arm. According to campaign sources, Romney gets deep-tissue massage every evening to keep his heavily-handled limbs in working condition.

Romney has been alternating the “Todd” story with another about a man named “Richard” from Indiana who is facing the same situation.

“My heart goes out to these folks,” said Romney. “They both told me that they thought they would get jobs in November, but now they won’t, and all because of the Obama recession, plus the fact that they keep saying really weird things about rape.”

President Obama, according to Anderson Cooper, has only been grabbed by the arm four times during the campaign. “And all of those were during the second debate,” explained Cooper.

In other news, Romney told a group of evangelicals that “God wants me to win this thing,” shortly before two campaign stops in Virginia were cancelled because of a hurricane.

Romney promises that Americans will be able to lose weight without diet or exercise

25 Oct

DAYTON, Ohio—Mitt Romney today pledged that, if he is elected, all Americans will be able to maintain a healthy body weight without exercising, while eating whatever they want.

“Under my health-care plan, you will be able to eat pizza and ice cream at every meal, sit on the couch all day, and get back to your college weight within six weeks,” Romney told a cheering crowd at a rally here. “It’s based on the same principles as my budget plan.”

Asked for specifics, Romney explained that “we will reduce caloric intake in other ways” to ensure that Americans lost the weight. When pressed for details, he said that he wanted to consult with Congress over the specific calorie reductions once in office.

The Obama campaign was clearly shaken by Romney’s bold new pledge. After some delay, a hastily-assembled press release announced that the administration would create a series of YouTube workout videos called “Sweatin’ With Joe,” featuring Vice-President Biden in his vintage leg warmers.

“If Romney wins,” said Stephanie Cutter, “we’re going to release these things. You’ve been warned.”

Romney endorses gender equality, education in Middle East; still thinking about it in America

23 Oct

BOCA RATON–in the third and final presidential debate, Mitt Romney put forward a robust vision for the Middle East, one in which education is widely available, women are on an equal footing with men, and the fruits of economic growth are available to everyone.

“All of that is completely wrong for the United States, of course,” he hastened to add.

The debate was marked by an aggressive tone as the candidates debated foreign-policy topics such as the US national debt, hiring more US teachers, and their rival plans to create jobs in the US.

Romney demonstrated his national-security credentials by insulting three nuclear-armed states: China, Russia, and Pakistan. Pressed by Obama on why he had called Russia the number-one enemy, Romney explained that Russia was the top “geopolitical” enemy, Iran the top “national-security” enemy, and South Korea the leading “dance-off” enemy.

While many observers gave a slight edge to Obama, Democrats continued to be nervous about the tightening race. “Mitt Romney is polling 58% among people in Ohio who have grabbed his arm and said they can’t find a job,” said one pollster. “That’s almost one-third of the electorate.”

Romney’s camp seemed pleased with the debate’s results, although they hastened to issue one clarification of their candidate’s comments. “When Governor Romney said ‘We can’t kill our way out of this mess,’ he was obviously joking,” explained campaign manager Mitt Rhoades. “I mean, we’re still Republicans.”

Americans to decide future of the Republic based on awkward sentence construction in debate

22 Oct

BOCA RATON, Florida—as Barack Obama and Mitt Romney prepare for their third and final debate here tonight, voters across the country are preparing to make their final decisions based on whether the candidates phrase their answers awkwardly or show disaffected body language.

Although some voters expressed interest in the policies of the two candidates, or their perceived competence in managing the administration, or their ability to work with Congress, these all take a backseat to whether a candidate says something that sounds a little odd, or smiles too little or too much.

“I believe a Republican victory would lead to the complete economic collapse of America and destroy our national security,” said Ariel Hutchins of Dayton, Ohio. “But if Obama makes the wrong amount of eye contact with Mitt Romney, or his expression isn’t quite right, then I’m switching sides. Enough is enough.”

Most Romney supporters similarly agreed that if their candidate used another strange phrase like “binders full of women” or talked about Big Bird, they would throw him under the bus and vote Democrat.

“It’s a real shame that we are so focused on these essentially meaningless stage performances that we call debates,” said CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. “I’d like to see voters making decisions based on more important criteria, such as the ability of candidates to suck up to wealthy donors and to hire talented marketing staff. That’s the approach that has gotten us such great presidents over the last several decades.”

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