Tag Archives: national

Jeb Bush keeps promise to lose the primary in order to win the general election

3 Nov

TALLAHASSEE, Florida—appearing under a banner reading “Promises Made, Promises Kept,” Jeb Bush today announced proudly that he was on track to fulfil his campaign pledge of losing the primary in order to win the general election.

“I’ve been rock-steady on this since day one,” said Bush. “We need to be willing to stay in the political center and lose the primary in order to win swing voters during the general election. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

Bush went on to hold up a large chart showing his to-do list during the primary. “Lose the debates–check. Fall behind in the polls–check. Lose donors and endorsements–underway,” he said. “Now we’re working on these right here,” he added, pointing to two bullet points labelled “Lose in Iowa and New Hampshire” and “Drop out of race.”

Although he was careful not to appear smug, it was obvious to the crowd that Bush was feeling pretty pleased with progress to date. “We just need to get to the convention without enough delegates for the nomination, and then we’re all set for victory in the general election,” he explained.

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A promise not to make the same mistake as John McCain and Mitt Romney

In weird coincidence, Bernie Sanders, Lincoln Chafee, Martin O’Malley, and Jim Webb all develop mysterious illness and withdraw from tonight’s debate

13 Oct

LAS VEGAS—only hours before the widely anticipated first debate of the Democratic primary race, four of the five candidates have mysteriously developed identical symptoms, forcing them to withdraw from the debate.

According to Dr. David Williams, head of the Las Vegas Medical and Sports Book Association, Bernie Sanders, Lincoln Chafee, Martin O’Malley, and Jim Webb all woke up in the middle of the night with rapid heart rates, dry skin, enlarged pupils, and disorientation, leaving their campaigns no choice but to cancel their planned appearances tonight.

“We haven’t diagnosed the exact problem yet,” said Williams. “The only thing that makes sense is some kind of mass psychosomatic illness. It seems strange, but the only alternative would be if somehow all four of them had ingested a rare Bulgarian-derived alkaline poison we haven’t seen since the Cold War.”

Happily, Hillary Clinton’s campaign reported that she is in “excellent health, and excited to take the stage for tonight’s debate.” Clinton was however apparently disappointed that she would be appearing alone, and so that instead of a vigorous debate she will instead have two hours to herself to say whatever she wants.

“I’m really sorry to hear that Jim Webb touched that door handle and picked up some kind of transdermic poison,” said Clinton. “I mean, if that’s what happened to him.”

Experts say imposition of Sharia law only 358 votes away from veto-proof majority in Congress

7 Oct

WASHINGTON—underlining the serious threat that Islamic sharia law poses to the United States, conservative experts today estimated that a national law enshrining sharia’s role is only 358 votes away from a veto-proof two-thirds majority in Congress.

“It would only require 67 senators and 291 representatives to change their votes, and sharia would be the law of the land,” said David Eikleberry of the Heritage Foundation. “That’s 358 people—barely 0.0001% of the population—standing between us and mandatory hijab for all women.”

Eikleberry noted that the anti-sharia coalition was clinging to its shaky majority, but that he was worried about defections. “Just last week, I saw a photo of Nancy Pelosi eating pita chips at a barbecue,” he said. “What’s next? Harry Reid not spitting in the face of some Greek guy?”

The report immediately generated a strong response across the political spectrum. “This just goes to show how important it is to prevent Islam from taking over our government,” said Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. “Imagine if one group of people were to try to impose their faith on the country by using the laws of this nation.”

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These might simply be an innocent snack. But can we afford to take that risk?

Kevin McCarthy promises to run House of Representatives from an underground bunker in Idaho

28 Sep

WASHINGTON–Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), the No. 2 House Republican and current favorite to replace John Boehner, promised today that if elected Speaker, he would carry out all of his duties from “a secret bunker somewhere in northern Idaho.”

The pledge immediately bought him some goodwill among members of the Tea Party. “I was suspicious that Kevin might be another appeaser, because he’s never spent time in prison for threatening to blow up the Capitol, but I like this bunker thing,” said Jim Jordan (R-OH), chair of the Freedom Caucus and possible candidate for speaker himself. “I sent him some photos of mine to give him decorating tips.”

McCarthy has pledged that as Speaker, he will hide in the bunker, living exclusively off canned goods, and at no point engage in any discussions with any politicians on any topics whatsoever or support any legislation. “It’s a start,” said Jordan. “We’d like to get a list of the guns, though.”

Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA), a rival of McCarthy’s, dismissed the bunker pledge as “weak,” asking “what’s Kevin going to do when the United Nations invades Idaho to disarm freedom-loving patriots?” Scalise promised that he would fulfill his duties of speaker from a secret submarine operating only in “freedom-loving red-state waters,” like in the Terminator movies. He also apologized again for his infamous 2002 speech to a group of white supremacists, saying that when he had agreed to address the group, he didn’t know that it had recently endorsed a small tax increase to pay for local schools.

  

McCarthy standing in front of lead-lined American flags, which help keep airborne fluoride out of his precious bodily fluids

Jeb Bush still can’t believe he overslept and missed the debate

18 Sep

TALLAHASSEE, Florida—almost two days after he was supposed to participate in the second Republican primary debate, Jeb Bush is still “just sick” over forgetting to set an alarm and sleeping through the start time, sources close to the campaign report.

“Jeb is just so angry at himself,” said one advisor, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’d been up all night rehearsing his ‘zingers,’ and so he decided he’d just have a quick power nap before it was time to head over to the venue, and then he got mixed up and thought he had set the alarm on his iPhone for 6pm, but actually he set the countdown timer for six hours, you know? It could have happened to anyone.”

Quick-aides were able to find a body double on short notice, a friendly math teacher named Henry, to stand in Gov. Bush’s place on stage. Henry was given the green light to try to get involved in the debate, but after two enormous gaffes—-claiming George W. Bush “kept us safe” and suggesting Margaret Thatcher could be on the ten-dollar bill—aides in the audience held up a sign telling him to be quiet.

“It’s just one of those things,” said another campaign advisor. “And it’s really annoying, because Jeb was all set to take this one by storm. He was going to dominate.”

With Bush absent from the debate, Carly Fiorina was widely viewed as the winner, on the basis of having no political experience, but not being Donald Trump or Ben Carson.

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Jeb Bush whipping the crowd up into a frenzy during debate rehearsal.

Latest polls show Bernie Sanders with 34% support and 19% name recognition

10 Aug

BURLINGTON, Vt.—the latest national polls released today show Sen. Bernie Sanders (Indep.—VT) increasing his support to 34% of all Democrats, up significantly from last month and well ahead of his name recognition.

“You could say his support is a little soft,” said Prof. Christina Meiklejohn, Nader Chair of Hopeless Long Shots at the University of Vermont. “Especially since half of the voters behind him don’t actually know who he is. But, still. Go Catamounts!” she added, making a complicated gesture that we understand is sometimes made at football games involving the University of Vermont.

Engaging further in the investigative reporting which has won Twissblog more than a dozen Pulitzer Prizes, we spoke to Prof. Susan Randsdowne, Professor of Confusing Mascot Names at the University of Alaska, who informed us that a “Catamount” is a kind of wild cat, like a cougar. “Go Nanooks!” she then yelled into the phone before we could hang up, although we all then agreed that we hadn’t heard her and therefore were under no obligation to find out what a Nanook is.

We then spoke to Nate Silver of fivethirtyeight.com, who explained Sanders’ confusing numbers stemmed from the fact that pollsters had given him credit for varied responses to the telephone survey such as “that other dude” and “you know, that one, who isn’t Hillary,” as well as “the Senator guy” and “anyone who isn’t Hillary or Martin O’Malley or Jim Webb or Lincoln Chafee but is still a credible declared candidate.” Silver also then went on to warn twissblog that there were stiff penalties for attributing fake quotes to real people, even in humor blogs.

Contacted by phone, the Sanders campaign said that it was “pleased” with the latest poll results and expected “to compete strongly for the Democratic nomination.” It also noted that “based on the margin of error, Bernie is outperforming Graham and Jindal for the Republican nomination as well,” and demanded that he be included in the next GOP debate.

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Admit it, you’re not really sure whether this is Bernie Sanders or not.

Rick Perry signs up for 20,000 new phone lines

3 Aug

AUSTIN, TX.—Former Gov. Rick Perry (TX) today signed up for an additional 20,000 phone lines at his home here, explaining that he “needed them for personal use.”

“See, Anita needs one to talk to her friends, and then I like to have one in case someone wants to call to invite me fishing,” he explained. “And then there’s one for the Internet, which I hear is going to be big, and then it’s just polite to have one for each of 19,997 potential house guests we might have.”

Perry steadfastly denied that there was any connection to the decision by Fox News to limit participation in Wednesday’s Republican primary debates to the ten candidates with the highest polling numbers.

“First of all, I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” said Perry. “Second of all, even if the polling cutoff was tomorrow night, and even if pollsters do find targets by randomly dialling phone numbers, and if their statistical models regularly oversample Austin due to its high-sigma demographic profile, well, what does that have to do with anything?”

A twissblog reporter, dialling the Perry residence for comment, had a conversation with an answering machine that proclaimed its strong support for “Rick Perry for President 2016,” before asking the caller to leave a message “and ideally credit-card authorization for $2,700.”

Perry, who is currently in 11th place in polls with 2.8% of the vote, trailing Chris Christie with 3.4%, denied any connection to the message. “I suppose that’s just some God-fearing citizen of Texas expressing his views, he said. “I don’t know why it sounded like it was recorded through a sock.” Perry then looked confused. “So you hung up before it mentioned the George Washington Bridge thing? I mean, if it had mentioned that. Which I wouldn’t know if it did, or it didn’t.”
Gov. Rick Perry gives a speech during the Texas GOP Convention in Fort Worth, Texas on Thursday, June, 5, 2014. In his address, the longest-serving governor in the state's history focused more on the future and national issues than his political legacy at home. (AP Photo/Rex C. Curry)

If elected President, Rick Perry promises to give every American a nice T-Bone steak, “about this big”

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