Tag Archives: nbc

Brian Williams retracts story of losing both his legs to an IED in Iraq

9 Feb

WASHINGTON–as controversy swirls around Brian Williams’ story of being on a helicopter forced down by enemy fire in 2003, the news anchor today issued a second apology, saying that he had made a mistake when he claimed to have lost both his legs to an improvised explosive device in Iraq in 2005.

“I now realize that when I told people that my Humvee drove over an IED and it took both my legs off, I was actually conflating two different stories,” said Williams. “The first was when I accelerated out of the Safeway parking lot in my Honda Civic and hit a speed bump, and the second was when I bought a pair of pants on eBay and they turned out to be a little tight.”

“You can understand how this happened,” said Williams.

The admission came two days after NBC launched an investigation of Williams’ on-air claim to have lost both his legs in the IED attack, citing “credible evidence” that it might not be true.

Williams, currently on leave from his anchor role, was at press time standing by his accounts of his other experiences in the Middle East, including spending two years as an ISIS prisoner, only slipping out at nights to come back and go to work.

Citing low ratings, NBC cancels Syrian civil war

1 Jun

NEW YORK–NBC CEO Steve Burke today announced the cancellation of Syria’s growing civil war, part of a housecleaning intended to revive the network’s flagging fortunes. He cited viewer apathy and declining ratings as the reasons for the decision, going out of his way to clarify that “we at NBC love what the Syrians have been doing over there–it is truly cutting-edge stuff–and we’re sorry to have to let it go.”

According to industry insiders, while NBC was delighted with the initial response to the Syrian revolution–“demos off the charts,” in the words of one expert–a sense of sameness had set in among viewers. Attempts to keep the war fresh with new plotlines involving factional splits within the rebel ranks only confused the public further, leading all but the diehard fans to stop watching.

The creative teams behind the war were disappointed but not surprised. “While I would love to see this war continue forever, it’s taken longer to find our audience this season,” said Syrian President Bashar Assad. “I’m incredibly proud of the work my team here has done, and I hope we can continue to slaughter civilians online.”

The civil war will join many other NBC assets that have recently been let go, including “Smash,” “Rock Center,” and a lingering sense of self-respect. In the most recent ratings results, the network placed thirty-seventh, behind ABC, CBS, Univision, Oxygen, a bunch of eighth-graders with a webcam, and vacuum-tube radio.

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