Tag Archives: Nevada

Hillary Clinton “really disappointed” with results of fundraiser at Burning Man

2 Sep

BLACK ROCK DESERT, Nevada–Hillary Clinton, under pressure to show a common touch after her much-derided appearance at the Iowa State Fair, decided to hold a fundraiser at the Burning Man festival this week. However, sources close to the campaign said that she was “really disappointed” with the results.

“We came away with two back massages, a pound of lentils, and a whole lot of weed,” admitted campaign spokesman Doug Macreavy. “While we didn’t expect Wall Street-level donations, this was below what we were hoping for.”

Burning Man expert Jonathan Dill noted that “you wouldn’t expect a far-right candidate like Clinton to get very far here,” adding that “it’s hard to imagine anyone more conservative–what would that even look like?”

According to Macreavy, Clinton’s next event to show her connection to regular people will be to line up a bunch of working-class people in Ohio and fly her jet down low over their heads.

burning man
Clinton was disappointed to learn that this was not the prototype of a Pentagon Walking Death Robot.

Rand Paul endorses Cliven Bundy; Cliven Bundy endorses slavery

24 Apr

BUNKERVILLE, Nevada—hours after Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) effusively praised Cliven Bundy, the rancher refusing to pay his grazing fees, Cliven Bundy returned the favor with effusive praise for enslaving African Americans.

[Normally at this point in the article we would make up something outrageous and pretend Bundy said it. However, Bundy’s actual words were so extreme that they are 1) impossible to satirize, and 2) deeply uncomfortable to repeat even in the context of a political humor blog.]

After being told of Bundy’s words, Sen. Paul was quick to clarify his statement of support. “While I really like Cliven’s gestures towards armed rebellion against the government and coded racist language, I don’t support anything that crosses the line of plausible deniability,” said Paul. “Can we change the topic back towards threatening to shoot government employees?”

Bundy has risen to fame after showing his anti-government beliefs by demanding huge government subsidies in the form of free grazing for his cattle. Shortly after the demonstration, he barged into the Bureau of Land Management cafeteria, ate eleven slices of pizza, and refused to pay. He then stole a whole bunch of Post-Its on his way out of the building, yelling “Freedom!” at the top of his lungs.

In the meantime, Fox News continued to support the armed radicals who gathered to support Bundy, explaining that it was okay to threaten to kill law-abiding citizens for ideological reasons as long as you are not Muslim

%d bloggers like this: