Tag Archives: new hampshire

Jeb Bush’s support from Latino Republicans in New Hampshire plummets from 66.66% to 33.33%

4 Feb

NASHUA, New Hampshire–the struggling presidential campaign of Jeb Bush took another blow today when polls showed that his support from Latino Republicans living in New Hampshire had fallen precipitously. This has called into question his so-called “Hispanic strategy” as a path to victory.

“Look, we were never going to get Maria,” said David Smith, Bush’s Director of Latino Outreach, referring to Maria Aleman, a second-generation Colombian-American living in Portsmouth. “She’s committed to Rubio. But I thought we had Hector Tamalpais locked up. I don’t know what happened.”

Tamalpais, reached at his home in Dover, explained that “I don’t know; I’m just not really feeling good about Jeb any more.” He said that he was increasingly drawn to John Kasich, “although I like Christie, too.”

Smith said he felt “very confident” that the third Latino Republican, Jose Aznar, “was solidly for us,” and went on to note that “33.33% of any group is an impressive result.”

“Look, this thing might end up in a tie,” said Smith. “If Jeb finishes equal-first among Latinos, and eighth among non-Latinos, who’s really to say who won New Hampshire?”

New Hampshire diner patron pleads with Republican candidates to leave him alone

19 Apr

CONCORD, NH–Jeff Wilcox, a 54-year-old mechanic who likes to have breakfast at Ray’s Diner, issued a statement today asking Republican presidential candidates to “stop bothering me while I’m trying to have breakfast.”

“While I am flattered by all the attention, I ask each of you to respect my privacy during these next several months,” Wilcox’s statement read.

According to Wilcox, he can rarely get through his standard order of a cheese omelet and Ray’s famous bottomless mug of coffee without some GOP hopeful bounding over, asking him a polite “but totally insincere” question about his family, and then promising to change the way Washington works.

The diner’s owner, Ray Scoggins, agreed that GOP candidates were becoming a problem. He said he was working on a humane no-kill solution, constructing a fake diner across the street with sticky floors. “It’s strictly catch-and-release,” said Scoggins. “We set them free in their natural habitat, the green room at Fox.”


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