Tag Archives: new jersey

Chris Christie “just not lemonade-stand material,” says daughter

2 Dec

TRENTON, New Jersey–Gov. Chris Christie’s ambitions suffered another blow when his daughter Bridget said that he “just isn’t lemonade-stand helper material,” sources close to the Christie family reported this morning.

According to someone familiar with the matter, Gov. Christie had suggested to Bridget that he could “squeeze lemons, carry the water, and get ice” to help her with her lemonade stand planned for the sidewalk in front of the governor’s mansion. While Ms. Christie said that her father “was in many ways a very compelling candidate,” she ended up giving the helper post instead to Tommy Wilkins from her math class, who was apparently “also well-qualified to make change and interact with customers.”

Gov. Christie, who never formally applied for the role, later held a press conference denying that he had ever held any specific ambitions for the post. “I’m just excited to support Bridget in any way that I can, and if that’s staying in the house away from the windows so no one sees me, then that’s terrific,” said the governor.

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Chris Christie promoted from head of Trump transition team to Special Advisor Without Portfolio

12 Nov

NEW YORK–Chris Christie’s rapid political ascent continued today with the news that Donald Trump was promoting him from head of the transition team to “Special Advisor,” a post created especially for him.

“As Special Advisor to Donald Trump, I’ll have some of the most important responsibilities in his administration,” said Christie. “For example, I will be responsible for washing the team’s uniforms at home and bringing them back to school. Also, I’ll be in charge of keeping the locker room nice and tidy.”

President-Elect Trump called Chris Christie on Friday afternoon to give him the good news. “Chris, you’ve done such a good job running the transition team, that I want you to stop doing it,” he reportedly said. “I’m going to need you for the big stuff now, like handing out the little cartons of milk at lunchtime, and choosing the order to wake everyone up from nap time.”

Experts agreed that the promotion took Christie to even greater levels. “We’re really in uncharted territory here,” said Suzanne Baldrich, Professor of Made-Up Jobs at the University of Idaho. “Special advisor could mean anything, and Christie’s responsibilities just seem to keep growing. Just this morning we heard that he would be in charge of counting off the Cabinet when they come back in from recess and making sure everyone is there.”

Christie, shown here making sure that everyone is lined up straight before heading to lunch

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Chris Christie denies he even wanted that job at the car wash

13 Aug

TRENTON–Gov. Chris Christie (R) today denied that he had even wanted the cashier’s job at Hassan’s 24-Hour Car Wash, just down the street from the statehouse. Owner Hassan Haleed announced yesterday that the role would go to 27-year-old Ron Wetherston, who will be leaving his post at Arby’s in the coming weeks.

“I already have a job,” said Christie after checking his phone. “While the cashier’s job at Hassan’s is of course a real plum, I’m not thinking about what comes next. I’m focused on doing the best job that I can for the people of New Jersey.”

Experts dispute this account, noting that Christie had been promoting the car wash extensively in recent weeks, twirling a big arrow on the sidewalk outside Hassan’s and promoting the “Luxury Wax” service in frequent speeches.

Wetherston, who many think was picked because of his familiarity with the type of cash register used at Hassan’s, spoke graciously of Christie. “He’s a real talent, and he will always be a close friend of the car wash,” said Wetherston. He did not respond to questions asking whether Christie might be able to get a different job on the lot, perhaps in concessions or on the hose. “It’s too early for those discussions,” he said.

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Gov. Chris Christie recaptured in Sinaloa, months after daring tunnel escape

9 Jan

EL AGUADITA, Sinaloa, Mexico–the race for the Republican presidential nomination took a surprising turn as international fugitive Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ), currently polling fourth in New Hampshire, was captured by Mexican special forces only a few miles from the prison from which he made his daring escape last year.
“I’m proud to announce that the notorious fugitive, Governor ‘Chris’ Christie, has been captured,” said Mexico’s Attorney General. “He was unable to maintain a low profile, and instead had been seen a number of times around Sinaloa, as well as in several Republican debates.”
Christie’s recapture ends an embarrassing episode, in which he escaped from a press conference in New York City in July 2015, digging a tunnel beneath a lectern while reporters asked him questions about the George Washington Bridge scandal. Mexico’s armed forces repeatedly identified his location, but were unable to come up with the $2700-per-head minimum required to attend a fundraiser at which he could be apprehended.

   
 Chris Christie in the gubernatorial mansion; undated photo

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Christie campaign introduces new slogan: “At least he’s still not in jail”

3 May

TRENTON–seeking to revitalize his struggling presidential campaign, Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) introduced a new slogan today: “At least he’s still not in jail.”

Said spokesman Bruce Davies, “We think it’s important that the public really understand who Chris Christie is. And as of this moment, Chris is not a convicted felon.” Davies then briefly checked his phone. “Still good,” he said afterwards.
The new slogan came the day after three of Christie’s associates were indicted in the George Washington Bridge scandal, which also produced a detailed report of the events leading up to the closing of the bridge. A jubiliant Christie announced that the report “completely exonerated” him personally. Spokesman Davies later sent a note to reporters clarifying that the governer had used the phrase “completely exonerated” in the alternative sense of “did not find evidence to support an indictment.”

  
Absolutely, definitely, not in prison at this moment.

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Growing concern among Republicans that American economy may be improving

6 Feb

WASHINGTON—After this week’s strong jobs report, which showed a significant increase in the labor force as well as upward revisions to the job creation of recent months, leading Republicans today expressed concern that life might be getting better for the majority of Americans.

“You plan, and you work, and you take dozens of symbolic votes in the House to repeal Obamacare, and then a piece of bad luck like this just drops in your lap,” lamented Ted Cruz (R–TX). “The job growth, the improving consumer confidence, the wage improvements–it’s putting everything we’ve worked hard not to accomplish in jeopardy,” he said.

Not everyone had lost hope. On a recent visit to London, Paris, Tokyo, Singapore, and Hong Kong, Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) shared his confidence that “we still might see the hopes and dreams of the American public go down the pooper” in time for the 2016 presidential election. He added that he looked forward to paying a brief visit to New Jersey “just as soon as I’ve finished trips to Italy, Germany, Yugoslavia, the Soviet Union, India, and China.”

Jeb Bush, speaking to a gathering of Republican mayors as part of his regular duties as the ex-governor of Florida, enthused about an “America full of breadlines and crime,” noting that “in times of crisis, Americans will want to see a middle-aged white guy in charge, and I’m one of those.”

Rick Perry returned a call seeking comment, but could not easily be heard, as he held the phone upside down for the entire conversation.

Official Portrait
We could have used a photo of any of these guys, but we here at twissblog have a particular fondness for Smilin’ Chris Christie, and want to use his official state portrait as often as possible.

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Chris Christie makes strong play for stupid vote with anti-vaccine comments

4 Feb

LONDON–Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) made several comments yesterday in support of parents who choose not to have their children vaccinated against measles, thereby staking out a strong claim to the stupid vote in the upcoming GOP presidential primaries.

“It’s not that I’m saying that the anti-measles vaccine will make you gay,” said Christie to startled reporters. “It’s just that I’ve challenged CDC Director Tom Frieden to provide us with proof–not assurances, cold hard proof–that the current vaccine wasn’t created by Elvis Presley and JFK using alien technology to read our thoughts.”

When asked about the overwhelming scientific evidence that the vaccine is safe and effective, Christie noted that “the jury is still out on science,” and said he would wait for more information, preferably delivered on mimeograph paper with lots of typos.

When asked whether he wasn’t letting his presidential ambitions get in the way of promoting public health, Christie was thoughtful for a moment. “I think I’d draw the line at about five hundred dead kids,” he said finally. “If we had five hundred kids dead from measles, then I might pull back a little. One hundred, two hundred to get me to the White House–that feels fine.”

Official Portrait
“Obviously my kids have been vaccinated and won’t get measles, but that doesn’t mean yours can’t.”

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Chris Christie investigates own conduct in bridge-closing scandal; discovers that he is blameless

28 Mar

 

 

TRENTON–in a compelling response to critics of his handling of the bridge-closure scandal, Gov. Chris Christie announced today that he had extensively investigated his own conduct throughout and found out that “I did everything exactly right at all times.”

“I have exhaustively reviewed all available evidence, spoken to hundreds of witnesses, and reviewed thousands of documents, and I can confidently state that my own conduct has been absolutely excellent at every moment,” said Christie, denying rumors that he had been involved in the controversial decision to close several approach lanes to the George Washington Bridge in apparent political retribution against the mayor of Fort Lee. “Anyone who disagrees with me is doing so for purely partisan reasons.”

A month ago, Christie appointed a fiercely independent team of investigators and directed them to leave “no stone unturned” in their effort to find the truth about . The team included his lawyer, his mother, three Teletubbies, and a golden retriever named Winston. “These guys are the best in the business,” Christie said at the time.

The final independent report, more than 370 pages long, reaches the conclusion that Gov. Christie not only “was completely unaware of the closings,” but also that he has “dreamy eyes” and is “sure-fire presidential timber in 2016.”

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Christie reports being amazed at “just how great I did” throughout the bridge scandal

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Russian army deploys to Ukrainian border in order to conduct traffic study

14 Mar

MOSCOW—tensions decreased here today when Vladimir Putin explained that the deployment of several thousand Russian soldiers to the Ukrainian border was simply a traffic study, and not the prelude to another invasion, as many have feared.

“For years, our scientists have been wondering what would happen if you took half a dozen crack assault divisions and tried to move them along the roads close to our borders,” explained Putin at a press conference here. “Finally, the answers are within our reach.”

The Ukrainian government, already under tremendous pressure from the Russian occupation of Crimea, was visibly relieved. “Normally we would find this sort of behavior concerning,” said a spokesman. “But a traffic study is such a logical explanation for almost anything that we aren’t worried.”

Putin also announced that, because the goodwill created by spending $52 billion on the Sochi Olympics had clearly been destroyed by the invasion of Crimea, he was planning to pile up another $20 billion in Red Square and light it on fire. “If that doesn’t earn respect, I don’t know what will,” he said, apparently meaning it.

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Chris Christie shocked, shocked to discover petty political games in NJ

10 Jan

TRENTON—a contrite Gov. Chris Christie yesterday held a lengthy press conference in which he professed complete ignorance that his aides had engaged in recrimination against Fort Lee, NJ, after its mayor declined to endorse Christie’s re-election bid last year.

“I find it hard to believe that anyone connected with my office would be involved in any kind of obnoxious political scheme,” said Christie. “That’s not the New Jersey governorship people expect from us.”

According to news reports, aides directed the closure of two lanes of the George Washington Bridge in order to create traffic jams in Fort Lee. The lane closure was apparently a compromise plan after Christie rejected the initial plan, which was to burn the entire town and plow its fields with salt.

Showing his new, humbler side, when asked a tough question about his political future, Christie picked up a brick and prepared to hurl it at a reporter, but then thought better of it and merely berated him.

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