Tag Archives: new jersey

Chris Christie investigates own conduct in bridge-closing scandal; discovers that he is blameless

28 Mar



TRENTON–in a compelling response to critics of his handling of the bridge-closure scandal, Gov. Chris Christie announced today that he had extensively investigated his own conduct throughout and found out that “I did everything exactly right at all times.”

“I have exhaustively reviewed all available evidence, spoken to hundreds of witnesses, and reviewed thousands of documents, and I can confidently state that my own conduct has been absolutely excellent at every moment,” said Christie, denying rumors that he had been involved in the controversial decision to close several approach lanes to the George Washington Bridge in apparent political retribution against the mayor of Fort Lee. “Anyone who disagrees with me is doing so for purely partisan reasons.”

A month ago, Christie appointed a fiercely independent team of investigators and directed them to leave “no stone unturned” in their effort to find the truth about . The team included his lawyer, his mother, three Teletubbies, and a golden retriever named Winston. “These guys are the best in the business,” Christie said at the time.

The final independent report, more than 370 pages long, reaches the conclusion that Gov. Christie not only “was completely unaware of the closings,” but also that he has “dreamy eyes” and is “sure-fire presidential timber in 2016.”


Christie reports being amazed at “just how great I did” throughout the bridge scandal

Russian army deploys to Ukrainian border in order to conduct traffic study

14 Mar

MOSCOW—tensions decreased here today when Vladimir Putin explained that the deployment of several thousand Russian soldiers to the Ukrainian border was simply a traffic study, and not the prelude to another invasion, as many have feared.

“For years, our scientists have been wondering what would happen if you took half a dozen crack assault divisions and tried to move them along the roads close to our borders,” explained Putin at a press conference here. “Finally, the answers are within our reach.”

The Ukrainian government, already under tremendous pressure from the Russian occupation of Crimea, was visibly relieved. “Normally we would find this sort of behavior concerning,” said a spokesman. “But a traffic study is such a logical explanation for almost anything that we aren’t worried.”

Putin also announced that, because the goodwill created by spending $52 billion on the Sochi Olympics had clearly been destroyed by the invasion of Crimea, he was planning to pile up another $20 billion in Red Square and light it on fire. “If that doesn’t earn respect, I don’t know what will,” he said, apparently meaning it.

Chris Christie shocked, shocked to discover petty political games in NJ

10 Jan

TRENTON—a contrite Gov. Chris Christie yesterday held a lengthy press conference in which he professed complete ignorance that his aides had engaged in recrimination against Fort Lee, NJ, after its mayor declined to endorse Christie’s re-election bid last year.

“I find it hard to believe that anyone connected with my office would be involved in any kind of obnoxious political scheme,” said Christie. “That’s not the New Jersey governorship people expect from us.”

According to news reports, aides directed the closure of two lanes of the George Washington Bridge in order to create traffic jams in Fort Lee. The lane closure was apparently a compromise plan after Christie rejected the initial plan, which was to burn the entire town and plow its fields with salt.

Showing his new, humbler side, when asked a tough question about his political future, Christie picked up a brick and prepared to hurl it at a reporter, but then thought better of it and merely berated him.

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